Sweet Pickles

My richass new phone...

... is going to involve a steep learning curve.  I do understand that it takes everyone a while to figure out how to do certain tasks whenever they get a new phone, but after hours of playing around with it, I still couldn't figure out how to initiate a text message without reading through a 'tutorial' on the phone.  I still can't check my voicemail.  It is a birthday gift from Sister Pickles, who works for Sprint, and on whose friends-and-family plan I will be paying about $15 per month for all kinds of unlimited everything. 

Saturday night, Sister Pickles and I went to a friend's annual holiday party and had a blast.  On the way to the party, I made Sister Pickles swing by the Bagby's new house so I could get some beer I left in their fridge, because I keep forgetting that one can purchase cold beer in the civilized world!  On the way back home late that night, we drove through the Whataburger drive-thru (I've eaten at Whataburger twice since coming home, because I miss their awesome ketchup).  Sunday night, la familia Pickles had a little reunion with the other families who used to live in the same neighborhood when I was growing up, and it was nice.  Monday, Brad Bagby and I went to get the stuff to make vodka gimlets and drank them at his place while T-Bagg and my godchildren were in Big D.  [Question:  What's the big deal about Grey Goose?  I don't understand why rappers are always so horned up about it.]  Today, I went with Mama Pickles to have lunch with her friend Rosemary, and then run errands.  Tomorrow, T-Bagg and I are taking my godchildren to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch (my Christmas present for the kids), then going to shop at the Asian grocery store.  Over the past several days, I've gotten a lot of good work done for my upcoming Wintersession class, but am starting to get a bit worried about how much more there is to do!

Here are some recent discoveries and rediscoveries about my family members, with whom I have been having a totally awesome time:

DADDY PICKLES

• Likes - the movie Hangover; pork; waking up before sunrise every day; watching movies on the computer while sitting at the desk; those banking commercials where an adult tricks a child (especially the one with the real pony)
• Dislikes - staying awake past 7:00pm

MAMA PICKLES

• Likes - the movie Hangover; pork; homemade 'trash' (a.k.a., Chex-mix); sleeping until lunch time; television shows about horrific crimes; jazzercise
• Dislikes - driving on the right-hand side of the road

SISTER PICKLES

• Likes - the movie Hangover; pork; betting on football games;
• Dislikes - the laziness and/or helplessness of Sweet Pickles

Pending Friend-Request #65

From an early-morning exchange with Wipey.  Cross-file this under "People Are Dumb" and "That's Just Sad'...

Sweet Pickles: Who da f*ck is A-- F------ S---? The name sounds kinda like one of those who went to middle school in [our hometown] but moved away well before we made it to high school, right? Regardless, if she and I have ZERO friends in common on Facebook, how da f*ck did she find me? I mean, how can I possibly have made such an impression on her at age 11 that, almost three decades later she gets on Facebook one day and thinks, “I wonder what that kid from the junior high school I used to go to for a little while is doing these days?” Or, am I totally off here? Do you have any recollection to jog my memory?

Wipey: I think you are right. I think she was a choir dork who was really tall and had brown hair. That's all that I remember about her! I don't even think she finished jr. high with us. I got a friend request from S---- C------ yesterday. I think it will sit for awhile... Talk to you soon.

Sweet Pickles: This feels like stalking (and not in a sexy way). My emerging hypothesis: If you didn't finish college, you probably aren't going to understand the purpose or function of social networking sites. Maybe I need to blog about my new hypothesis!

P.S. - I've got one from S---- C------ too. Has either of us ever even spoken to S---- C------? I mean, even once? EVER?? What's wrong with people?

Wipey: such good questions...and what this hell is Sweet Pickles doing awake before 7 am??

Sweet Pickles: I know, right? And I have the week off, so I'm even more baffled by my early wakefulness!!

ADDENDUM (from a separate message):

A-- F------ S---: hey [Sweet Pickles] you may not rember me buti went to school with you from the 3rd grade till tenth its me a-- f------ saw your prfile and wantedto say hello and catch up hope yo rember

[SIDE NOTE:  Since I changed my hometown on my Facebook profile to Beverly Hills, California, how can she have "seen my profile" without a specific name search.  And what on earth would she and I have to "catch up" on if she left our school district circa 1985 and I don't have enough recollections to even identify her?]

Facebook Tips for the Politically-Incorrect

Ya know how, when friends of yours get tagged in the photos albums of people whom you aren't friends with, you can still see all the photos in that other person's album?  Word to the not-so-wise:  try to think ahead to your first job interview before uploading all of your photos.  Check out this gem I just stumbled across...

Offend much?  Am I overreacting, or wouldn't the Halloween costume on the right (unfortunately, he was tagged only as "Lil Wayne") constitute blackface anywhere else in the country?  With regard to church attendance, it has often been said that 11:00am is the most segregated hour in the American week.  In our town, it appears that downtown on a Friday night would be an equally segregated time of the week.  Otherwise, this colostomy bag (or rather, the contents of one) would have gotten his ass kicked on the streets of one of America's twelve "coolest college towns."  

I realize that, when we're 19 or 20 years old, we don't always make the smartest decisions (I certainly didn't... check out my GPA, or my Valtrex prescription).  Even at my own extremely liberal undergraduate institution, fraternities were frequently in trouble for this kind of stupidity.  I also realize that, typically, our state is about a quarter of a century behind the rest of the country when it comes to national trends.  But come on.  Really???  Who still thinks it's okay to do this on a public sidewalk in 2009?  Obviously, some undergrads where I teach still do.  Luckily, the cheerful young woman rubbing up on the colostomy bag was tagged by name.  And I'll be saving this picture, just waiting, in case she ever runs for public office. 

Ya know what I miss?

Pre-2006 Facebook.  This answers a lot of questions. 

Facebook Etiquette 101

People need to get schooled on these rules (especially numbers 3 through 5) for how not to be hated on Facebook! 

Rule #10 gives me an idea.  I think I might want to start posting status-updates that are both cryptic and inappropriate.  Maybe stuff like "Sweet Pickles wishes he had known that herpes was contagious!"

To these, Sweet Pickles would add Rule #11:  Never re-submit a second friend-request.  If the first one didn't do the trick, walk on by.  In fact, keep walking all the way down to the "Clues R Us" store and get one.

Shouldn't we all?

On Facebook, I saw a friend's recent status update, and a response to it that made me laugh:

FRIEND:  i draw wearily unto slumber, which, though it beguilingly beckons me bedward, fails to fulfill its promise of sleep.

RESPONSE:  You should go bowling with Byron and Shelley!

I know neither the responder nor Byron and Shelley, and although the suggestion would appear counterintuitive to the complaint, I like the positive attitude!  Also, I plan to co-opt the phrase "beguilingly beckons me bedward."  Whenever people ask me what I going to do (on Friday night, for the weekend, over the summer, during the holidays, etc.), I'm going to say "Beguilingly beckoning people bedward." 

Speaking of Facebook... my quest to have more pending friend-requests than accepted friend-requests stands at 43 to 325 thus far.  I've realized that this goal will take a while to achieve, because I keep getting friend-requests from actual friends. 

New Goal

On Facebook, my new objective is eventually to have more pending friend-requests (from people whose requests I will never accept) than I have friends.  It'll take a while.  Right now, things stand at a ratio of 38 to 314.  And those 38 pending friend-requests are an ensemble case comparable to The Poseidon Adventure, but for C-Listers. 

Who the hell made up this 'Bucket List'?

I've seen this 'Bucket List' survey floating around Facebook lately, and assumed from the title that it would've been inspired by the Morgan Freeman movie of the same name.  I haven't seen the film, but understand the basic concept... a 'to-do' list of experiences to accomplish before you die.  But once I got into this survey, I realized I wouldn't be able to post my answers on Facebook without insulting all the hometown yokels who had completed it in earnest.  So, I thought I'd share all my hard work with my more exclusive readership here.  Half of the items are either nonsensical, ridiculous, or depressing in their low expectations.  But I tried to answer the ones that I could. 

The Bucket List----Copy & paste….place an “X” by all the things you've done and remove the “X” from the ones you have not, and send it to your friends (including me). This is for your entire life.

(?) Paid for a meal with coins only?
    A meal, no.  (I avoid food.)  A pack of cigarettes, yes.

(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
     Every Friday night as the bars start closing down.

(X) Made prank phone calls?
     This is why I hate call-waiting.

(?) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose?
     I don’t really have that kind of reaction, but I have choked on drinks from laughing so hard.

( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
     I avoid snow.

(X) Danced in the rain?
     I’ll dance anywhere.

(?) Auditioned for something?
     Would job interviews count?

(X) Quit your job?
     More than once. 

( ) Tended bar?
     I can’t be trusted to control that much alcohol.

( ) Cross a police line?

( ) Dine and Dash?

( ) Hike the Grand Canyon?
    I don’t ‘hike’. 

( ) Eat food your neighbor has grown without his permission?
    I grew up in a very respectable suburban kind of neighborhood…  nobody was farming there.  Now I live in a townhouse (although I suspect the undergrads across the street might be growing some ‘herbs’ on their back porch).

( ) Volunteer at a soup kitchen?
     I don’t like to be around poor people.

(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus?
     I asked for him to leave his autograph.

(X) Swim beyond the breakers?

(X) Skipped school?

( ) Watched someone die?

( ) Been to Canada?
     For what?  Why not somewhere like Italy or China?  Aim higher, ya low-expectation-havin' MFs!  Who lays on their deathbed wishing they'd made it to Ottawa??

(X) Been to Mexico?
     Only to border towns for good tequila and diet pills.  Now that I’m older, I want to go for Frida Kahlo and the Maya.  And still the good tequila and diet pills.  But still, as Americans, can't we aim any farther than our two continental neighbors??

(X) Been to Florida?
     You don’t even know!  (Attention Perdido Keyers:  I’ve been forgetting to tell y’all that my cousin owns a beach house at Fernandina Beach/Amelia Island that we can use anytime.  It’s several hours further away, but free.  And it doesn’t have the Florabama, so forget it.)

(X) Been on a plane?

(X) Been lost?
     In Japan, yes.  And the Bronx.  But I’m surprisingly good with a map!

(X) Been on the opposite side of the country?
      I don’t really understand what this one is asking, but I’ve been to both the Atlantic and Pacific coasts.

(X) Gone to Washington, DC?
     Highly over-rated.

(X) Swam in the ocean?
     I’m in love with the ocean.   I wish I could marry it.  Or at least swim in it more often.

( ) Cried yourself to sleep?
     I don’t cry, I make other people cry.

(X) Played cops and robbers?

(X) Recently colored with crayons?
     With my goddaughter over the holidays… what a blast!  I teased her by drawing pictures of her in boys’ clothes, or big hearts with letters inside that said she loved different boys in her 2nd-grade class.  Next December, I’m going to do pictures of her kissing different boys in her neighborhood.

(X) Sang karaoke?
     In Japan.  With drunk American undergraduates and Japanese businessmen.  And a tambourine.

( ) Join a picket line?
     I usually don’t like Organized Labor.

(?) Coached a team?
     Does teaching international students how to play baseball count?

(?) Been kissed under the mistletoe?
     I’m usually the kissee.  And there’s usually more groping than kissing.

( ) Saved someone's life?
    If resisting homicidal urges counts.

( ) Been on a cruise?

( ) Learned to scuba dive?
     I'm more of a snorkeler.

(X) Been to Graceland
     Don’t get me started.  I’ve taken so many groups of international students, I can give the tour myself.

( ) Witnessed a birth?
     Ewww!

( ) Watched the sunrise with someone?
     Who is awake that early?

(X) Blown bubbles?
     But honestly, who the hell hasn't blown bubbles??  Come on!

(X) Gone ice-skating?

(X) Been skinny dipping outdoors?
     Too many times to count.  Not much to do in my hometown.

(X) Gone to the movies?
     Uh… even in the poorest of Third World countries, who hasn’t?  What kind of sad-ass bucket list is this?!?!  Have you ever worn shoes?  Have you ever opened a gift?

( ) Cheated death?
     Wow, that’s quite a leap… from something as mundane as going to the movies all the way to defying the Grim Reaper!!

(?) Met your hero?
     I’ve met one of my heroes (Empress Michiko).

( ) Stood up to a bully?
     I’m usually the one who is egging on the bully from the sidelines.

(X) Had a black eye?
   
( ) Been shot?
     No, but I kinda wish I could say I had.   

( ) Worked for food?
     Is this another question from the sad-ass bucket list?  And is it something I really want to try before I die??

( ) Assembled a rock band?

( ) Fast for a week?
    Why a week?  I’ve fasted 24 hours for Yom Kippur.  What’s the deal with one week?  More questions from the sad-ass bucket list?  I don’t get it.     

( ) Drove a cab?
     Is this really something I need to accomplish to make my life complete?  (Just FYI, I also haven’t operated a fork-lift, or loaded cargo onto a ship.)

(?) Hit a home run?
     I can’t remember.  Possible, but I doubt it. 

( ) Went bungee jumping?
     In general, if I can’t do it holding a lowball and a lit cigarette, I don’t do it.

( ) Went sky diving?
     See above.

( ) Ever been heart broken?
     I don’t get broken.  I break.

(X) Went skiing?
     But typically, I spend more time in the ski resort’s bar and hot-tub than on the slopes.  I avoid winter.

( ) Climbed a mountain?
     What’s with all this ‘great outdoors’ shite?  Enough with the nature already… how about some culture?  Ever seen Congress in session?  Ever been to the Guggenheim?

(?) Played a sport?
     Professionally???  What does this even mean?  Hasn’t everyone played something at one some point in his or her life?  This is sounding like a bucket list for terminally-ill children in the Make-a-Wish Foundation’s program.  These weird, depressing questions make me think I should create my own ‘Bucket List’ of things people should do before they die.  I’ll keep y’all posted.


On a related note...

I love love love questionnaires that are patently created by 14-year-olds for other 14-year-olds, but that 40-somethings can't figure out aren't aimed at them.  You know the kind I'm talking about... the ones with questions and answers like these:

"Are you nervous about passing your drivers' license test?" -- I was before I took it 25 years ago.
"Have you ever gotten in a fight with your homeroom teacher?" -- I can't remember who my homeroom teacher was.
"Which 'High School Musical' character are you?" -- Well, since my current job is a school secretary, I guess I'd say the school secretary.
"Have you ever told a boy that you like him?" -- Only my husband Ronnie.
"What will you name your first child?" -- Brianna (age 11), Kyler (age 9), Maygon (age 8), and Arin (age 2, he was a surprise but a blessing!).

Another downside to Facebook

Aside from all the linkages with near-strangers to whom I never spoke when we were in junior high school together, another downside to Facebook just occurred to me.  When I go home for the holidays later this month, no matter what clothes I pack, I will no longer be able to wow my Texas friends with what I'm wearing because they'll all have seen my entire wardrobe in the 412 (yeah, that's right) photos of me on Facebook. 

This is what Facebook is like for popular people...

Here's the transcript of an instant-messaging session I had on Facebook earlier with one of my oldest BFFs (we played soccer together the summer before 5th grade).  It might be difficult to follow because we were typing simultaneously and sometimes overlap in our responses.  Names have been redacted out, in order to protect the catty (Sweet Pickles and J-Ev) as well as the unpopular.  In it, you'll find: some useful tips, some great one-liners, and the all-time greatest mental image of Sweet Pickles EVER (you'll never be able to get it out of your head)!

J-Ev:  “SP--did i tell you that I vanquished K----- B------ from my friend list?"
Sweet Pickles:  “no. why? I need to vanquish about 50 losers from high school from mine.  Have you been getting zillions of friend requests from high school 'tards lately?”
J-Ev:  “yes I have. what's up with that?
Sweet Pickles:  “i don't know, but i've about had it. i officially hate our high school.  R—B--------??  REALLY???  I can't recall a single conversation with R—B--------.  And E--- R------ just sent me his SECOND request.”
J-Ev:  “Next it will be B----- S---------.”
Sweet Pickles:  “Guess E--- can't pick up on subtle hints, huh? At least B---- S--------- is someone i once knew well.”
J-Ev:  “i am sick of hearing about what A----- B---- Z---- is doing...”
Sweet Pickles:  “which is why i didn't accept her friend request.  her request to you seems even more baffling then hers to me.  were y'all ever tight?”
J-Ev:  “yes, i know.  J------- S----? I didn't like her.  And I really don't like J---- H-----...why is she my friend??”
Sweet Pickles:  “EXACTLY... hers was another i ignored. i actually actively dislike her still (although not to her face).  ditto here on J----  (who is pissed that I defriended her).”
J-Ev:  “why did you defriend her?  i mean, besides the obvious reason--her personality.”
Sweet Pickles:  “before things got out of hand, i tried to go through and unfriend people i should never have accepted in the first place. she's the only one who noticed, resent a request, then complained to B---- about it”
J-Ev:  “how funny. who else have you kicked out?”
Sweet Pickles:  “i can't remember who else i kicked off (because i hardly knew most of them), but i've ignored S-------- P--- too.  i mean, i liked S-------- P--- fine, but didn't even know if she was still alive really... so why would she need to know what's going on with me every day?”
J-Ev:  “thank you.  I think I need to be more selective with the friends”
Sweet Pickles:  “i did accept C---- M-----, obviously, as I really wanted to see his page. but he'll get the boot soon too probably.  some people i get requests from, i think of writing back to them "How dare you?"
J-Ev:  “B--- A----- keeps showing up in the "people you might know" section, but I am not going to make a friend request to him because of his dorkiness. Yea, C---- M----- is boring. How dare you!!! That's funny”
Sweet Pickles:  “oh, the best one yet!! R------ T------!!! What the????”
J-Ev:  “and C-------- R------“
Sweet Pickles:  “yeah, i thought you'd like "how dare you."  do NOT tell me C-------- R------ tried to friend you!”
J-Ev:  “yes, and I accepted it because I thought I had to.”
Sweet Pickles:  “sheesh!!!!”
J-Ev:  “Now I see that I don't...”
Sweet Pickles:  “here's a new tip i learned... don't click "ignore" button, just let them sit in your box forever, and that way, they can't resend!!”
J-Ev:  “Who is V------- H-----, anyway? I see her on several people's pages.”
Sweet Pickles:  “i got that one too (didn't accept). at first i couldnt figure it out, then.....  it dawned on me....  "Is this V---- A----????"  How dare she!”
J-Ev:  “How dare she indeed.  who is S----- W----- S----?”
Sweet Pickles:  “i have thought of changing my profile's name to "Sweet Pickles (not the popular guy from your high school, a different one who you don't know)"    that name vaguely rang a bell when she tried me, but i couldnt solve that one.    or how about this idea for a future response to requests....”
J-Ev:  “good lord everybody wants a piece of the pickle...”
Sweet Pickles:  “Technology certainly makes it easier to approach the throne, doesn't it?"
J-Ev:  “Yes. I do love that one, but "how dare she" is more to the point and reminds me of you with a black glove slapping someone's face.”
Sweet Pickles:  “ooooh, then i'll definitely stick with that one”

Euhhhhh!!

This has got to be my all-time #1 favorite google search to lead someone accidentally to sweetpickles.typepad.com.  I simply cannot envision any foreseeable search that could possibly beat this.  

Sweet Pickles hates change.

In general.  

 

Since TypePad rolled out its new interface for composing posts, I've been frustrated figuring out how to do the most basic functions I had previously mastered.  And everything I've had to figure out on my own has been completely counter-intuitive.  This is just one example of why I dread every time Blackboard gets 'improved' or there's yet another version of iTunes to be downloaded.  Invariably, it has been my experience that whatver enhancements are intended are grossly outweighed by the bugs.  Call me a Luddite (albeit, an extremely sexy Luddite).

Another form of change I hate happens every year at this time for those of us who live in college towns and work in academica.  As the magnolias bloom, favorite students graduate and good colleagues take other jobs, and wonderful people move out of our lives.  

Uh...

obviously TypePad still has some issues to work out, if the appearance of my previous post is any indication.  Not cool.  Check back later to slow dance with Madonna and Sweet Pickles.

Getting to Know Your Host

Apparently, some out there want to learn more about the history of sweet pickles.  Well, it all began on a magical day back in 1979, in one of central Texas' finer maternity wards.  Euhhhhh!

Well, surprise, surprise!

Is anyone really shocked to learn that the skanks who filmed themselves beating a classmate have names like "Brittini" and "Mercades?" Mispelling during the naming process of a baby is an amazingly accurate sociological predictor that your children will grow up to humiliate themselves on national television. Just ask Mr. and Mrs. Spears.