Sweet Pickles

Friday Wrap-Up

Got assy last night for R-Fuen's birthday at T-War's house.  Sluts have GOT to stop having shit on Tuesday or Thursday evenings... why can't more weeknight boozing be happening on Monday or Wednesday evenings, when Sweet Pickles ain't gotta teach until 4:00pm the next day?  You know Sweet Pickles can't say no, so it's kinda unfair to keep making him get drunk the night before a 3-hour class at 9:00am.  Shame on you!  At least my liver wasn't alone in its misery this morning.  By the time I headed into the classroom, I still hadn't seen JustJess (which is rare).  N-Lope rolled in with a pint of Gatorade.  Pointing at my bloodshot eyes, I asked him, "How do you like my eyeballs?"  He replied, "How do you like my voice?  I sound like a funeral director."

On a test in my American Culture class, there was a question that said America's capital city is named after __________, who was the first president of the United States.  Six of the thirteen students (not including the group's single Spanish-speaker) wrote "Jorge Washington."  I suspect that the spelling confusion came from a Mexican student in our program, whose name is Jorge but calls himself by the English version (George) in his classes.  I think many of my students know him as George, but see his name written as Jorge.  Regardless, I got tickled thinking of Georges Bush fils, Wilhelm Clinton, Giorgio Bush il Vecchio, Ronaldo Reagan, etc.

In case you haven't been keeping up with Shit My Dad Says recently, I think I might like Uncle Bob as much as Justin's father. 

Uh, where the hell has Will Cooley Fan Club been lately?  If this hiatus is some coy ploy to leave 'em wantin' more, it's working.  Sweet Pickle is jonesing!

Frenchie sent me the second trailer for Jersey Shore (below), which I hadn't seen.  I'll leave you with this:  "I don't have to do what I don't wanna do.  I'm a bartender.  I do, you know, great things."

The internets just got a little more awesome.

Shrinker is starting her own blog, Just Jess!  I imagine that most of Sweet Pickles' readers would also be down with her program, so you should totally check it out.

Thanks, D-Hug!

In case you aren't a regular reader of WCFC (in which case, you're a weirdo), the slut who runs that site has found and shared a great link to the web's greatest Venn diagrams.  She already posted the best one, but here's my personal fave:

A New Look?

Are ya feelin' it?

If you're like Sweet Pickles, you hate to mess with a classic but also have a short attention span.  After a year and a half, is it time for SweetPickles.typepad.com to get a makeover?  And if so, should this be it?  What do y'all think?  Let a Pickle know!

A.)  This is like New Coke, don't mess with what works!
B.)  Hellz yeah, your new look is giving me feelings I've never felt before (call me)!
C.)  Yeah, it's time to shake things up, but this is not the look you should be going for... try again!

Fackism!

A few minutes ago, while posting a comment over at Will Cooley Fan Club, I was reminded of an ongoing trend I've been noticing lately, in which the prophylactic (euhhhhh!) screening devices through which commenters post responses has been shifting away from the visually distorted alphanumeric sequences 'hidden' in a blizzard, toward less distorted sequences of letters that almost look like they could be real words from the SAT vocabulary list, or perhaps new pharmaceutical products.  Stuff like epilaxy, depomitrant, neoflicity, etc.  The linguist in me wants the job of creating these 'decoys'.  Hands down, my fave is the one I just got at WCFC:  fackism.  It sounds like a chronic condition many of my friends experience!

I. Can't. Breathe.

Dlisted has got me laughing so hard, I'm actually huffing.  This post has it all.  The original story itself is is enough to bring the chuckles (why is there a penguin named "Linda"?), but Michael K's commentary just made me spew Dr. Pepper out my nostrils. 

The blogosphere just got a little sexier!

Help me to welcome M-Shan to the blogosphere by checking out Peace and Carrots!

The more things change...

I was going to title this post "I Got Nothin' For Ya," by way of apology for my ass-draggin' inactivity as of late.  But then I was inspired by Yankee Librarian's recent retrospective posting looking back at the past year in her life.  Whereas the Librarian's year was one of big changes, the Pickle's was one of the same ol' same ol'.  Therefore, I decided that my own retrospective would be more focused on what was I doing at this time last year. 

In May of last year...

I was thirsty/hungover.

My Spanish-speaking students were being titillated with a fictional town in Gulliver's Travels named "Laputa" (which weirdly, I was reminded of by one of the aforementioned students just this afternoon!).

I was making lots of Top 3 lists and posting lots of Madonna videos.

Mama and Daddy Pickles visited me.

I was attending parties.

I was nostalgic for the good ol' days when my crash-dieting actually led to drastic weight-loss results for me.

I was irate about Low-Church social mores governing the local acquisition of booze.

I was seeing dumb summer blockbusters with friends at the local theater.

I was comparing local temperatures unfavorably to the much better weather back home.

Déjà frickin' vu!  Am I in a rut, or what?!?!  Although it's a Groundhog Day-level of repetition, I figure I should be grateful that at least it's not anything awful that's recurring. 

Sheesh... anything new in the world of Sweet Pickles?  Nothing earth-shattering.  Let me see. 

Between going out and various parties, I boozed it up 6 times between Friday and Sunday evenings.  [Not sounding very new yet, is it?]

I exercised with K-Fiel this morning, and we ran into L-Shep at the gym on campus.  At a welcome picnic early this evening, I taught our new students how to play Red Rover, Red Rover. 

Brad Bagby called about the rendition of Fiona Apple's song Criminal that I used to sing in the voice of this girl from elementary school who had a speech impediment that we used to make fun of (don't worry, it was never to her face).  He couldn't remember exactly how I did it, and needed me to perform it for him again.  Just FYI, here's how it goes:  "I've been a bad, bad durl.  I've been tareless with a delicate man.  And it's a tad, tad world.  When a durl can break a boy just because she tan."  Don't ask me why this particular song... there was never any particular reason.

So, basically, I guess I still should've just titled this post "I Got Nothin' For Ya!"  Except for this:  For those of you who don't read DListed regularly...  A.) you probably should start, and B.) you might not have seen this Literal Version Video of Total Eclipse of the Heart yet.

OMG WTF

Behind the scenes here at SweetPickles.typepad.com, it looks like two of today's readers got here from CNN.com, which is kinda freaking me out.  If you'll click here, it should take you to their story about the Arab League's support for the leader of Sudan, and if you scroll down toward the bottom, there's a section title "From the Blogs."  SweetPickles.typepad.com was showing up there!  How the hell did that happen?  This ain't that kind of blog.  I mean, yeah, people get misdirected here all the time, but it's the kind of people who were searching for info on Jaclyn Smith, pictures of macaroons, or where to get their slutwear.  Not people wanting to learn more about Darfur! 

Note to any smart people who end up here by mistake:  This definitely isn't the blog your looking for.  Sorry for the chain-yank!

Check it, yo!

Our fair hamlet has apparently produced yet another hip, attractive (the only kind of bloggers Sweet Pickles reads or recommends) fresh new talent on the blogging scene.  So, keep an eye on Crumbs...! 

Just go to Bebe!

In these tough economic times, what do the people need most?  Jobs?  Affordable healthcare?  Tax cuts?  Stimulus checks?

If recent search-engine traffic to this blog is any indication, it's slutwear.  Slutwear is outperforming Jaclyn Smith and pictures of macaroons! 

To all the Google-searchers for "where to find slutwear" or "where to buy slutwear," my question is:  "Don't they have a Bebe at your local mall?"  You should check it out... it's one-stop shopping for all your slutwear needs. 

Get your slutwear here!

When you think of buying slutty clothes, think Sweet Pickles.  This recent Google searcher got schooled about where it's at!

3 out of 4 Simpsons characters agree!

Don't let this happen to you!

I've gotten a couple of hours of enjoyment out of Passed Out Photos and Drunk Shaming.  You might too.  This samples (below) made me laugh particularly hard.  Others submitted to the sight are feats of engineering that marvel.







If you'll scroll to the bottom of their page, you'll also find links to some other funny sites they do. At Porn SFW, they take stills from pornographic videos and draw clothing and other accoutrements on the actors to make it look like their doing different innocuous activities.

HYFA: Requiescat In Pace

Got in a little while ago from the worst excuse for a Friday night out-on-the-town that I've had in at least the past five years.  The upside of the evening was my pre-downtown delicious dinner with awesome friends I haven't seen enough of this semester.  The downside of the evening is that, after feeling compelled by people's whining that HYFA doesn't do enough anymore, I end up trapped by guilt into leaving aforementioned dinner party to meet up with exactly TWO people (one of whom I don't know, but ended up being okay).  You already know what Sweet Pickles is gonna say.  Eff a bunch o' that!  Luckily JustJess and B-Hale eventually came, and just before I left, M-Lern and N-Rif stopped by. 

As far as the Pickle is concerned, the HYFA listserv appears to have died a semester ago, and I ain't gonna be the one defibrillatin' shite.  When G-Wrobe and I first started up the HYFA thing, back in the day, he and I always had a different approach.  G-Wrobe = the more the merrier.  Sweet Pickles = only the cool kids.  Since G-Wrobe's abandonment and HYFA's slow death from indifference and neglect, Sweet Pickles will be inaugurating a new start-up known as SACOUFA (the Sexy and Coked-Up Faculty Association).  But shhhhh... it's a secret.  There ain't gonna be any listservs... communiqués will be dispatched via text message from Sweet Pickles' cell phone (if you ain't in it, you can't win it). 

On an unrelated note...

In case you've been wondering... yes, people still need pictures of macaroons.  The latest twist, however, is that Egypt (of all places) has gone all kosher-for-Passover apparently.  Hopefully a little unleavened baking might give Egypt something to do with its free time during lulls between massacres of tourists.

I couldn't have said it any better!

Since this year's Oxford Film Festival occurred during my eff-it period blogging sabbatical, I never shared any commentary on what a great weekend that was.  But K-Fiel has a great post on her blog (listed in the "BLOGGERS I KNOW" sidebar) that sums it up perfectly.  It should make you out-of-town readers think about planning a roadtrip for next year's festival!

That weekend, K-Fiel won the hearts of TWAT (Texas Women Art Travelers) by promising to come bail them out of jail if they got arrested during their drunkenness, even if she had to max out her credit-cards and seduce the officer-on-duty at the county lock-up.  For this willingness, K-Fiel earned her honorary Texas citizenship.

Check it, yo!

Allow me to direct your attention to this blog's "OTHER BLOGS I READ" sidebar, where you'll find my newest time-sucker.  I suppose one might describe Dlisted as a celebrity-gossip blog.  Sweet Pickles, however, would describe that hot mess as a bowl full of party.  Of the many recurring features, my personal fave is "Hot Slut of the Week" (and rarely does it feature who or what you would anticipate). 

A long time ago, Brad Bagby tried to get me hooked on Dlisted.  But the idea of a celebrity-gossip blog didn't have the appeal for Sweet Pickles that you might expect it would.  Sure, I'm the one with the suntan-lotion-stained/sand-encrusted copy of People magazine on the beach while M-Kin reads The Economist.  But I don't know enough about Mischa Barton or the Jonas Brothers to be able to get the joke.  And while the smartass who writes Dlisted certainly rakes the likes of Miley Cyrus and the Hilton sisters over the coals (man, does that dude hate him some Paris Hilton!), it's not really about that.  The author's phraseology is enough to pull you in.  Also, I originally found the sometimes-graphic nature of some references very "Ewww!"-inducing (you know Sweet Pickles usually ain't down with the scatological humor).  But if you can get past some of the "Fear Factor"-type descriptions, it's well worth it in terms of LOL hilarity.

While Dlisted comes with the Sweet Pickles seal-of-approval, be warned that it might not always be appropriate for in-office reading.  Additional warning:  If you get this guy's sense of humor, you most likely will feel compelled to start at the beginning of the site's archives (like I did), and read the whole megillah, from start to finish, in one sitting.  Actually, now that I think about it, Dlisted might be a large part of the reason I haven't been devoting much time to my own blogging since I got back after the holidays!

"The truth is, I never left you!"

“Guess who’s back.  Back again.  Pickie’s back.  Tell a friend.”

Sorry to leave y’all hangin’… I hadn’t realized how many of you need your daily (or at least semi-weekly) fix.  Damn… people be jonesin’ for the Pickle!  But, as my publicist is constantly reminding me, “You gotta leave ‘em wanting more.”  No, wait… it was something about nobody buying my cow when I’m always giving the milk away for free, or something like that.  Anyway.

The first half of January was a whirlwind of inactivity.  The second half of January was, as usual, consumed by beginning-of-the-semester mayhem.  The first half of February was filled with lethargy and indifference.  The second half of February has featured some technical difficulties.  And now, you’re current as far as this tease of a blog is concerned.

Hopefully, the next few days will include a flurry of postings.  After all, we’ve got a lot to catch up on!  For sweetpickles.typepad.com, 2009 promises lots of new escapades, high jinks, shenanigans, tomfoolery, and larks (even if they don’t get jump-started until seven and a half weeks into the new year)!

Dannazione Brad Bagby, che geloso bastardo!

I can't imagine why, but apparently, someone took the time to have www.sweetpickles.typepad.com translated into Italian.  It's fascinating.  I could read through (or try to read through) this stuff for hours!

Apparently, I need to get down to Venezuela. Pronto.

They seem to have an attitude down there that I'm really in tune with.

What happened while I was gone???

I just got back in from my late-night run to the Memphis airport.  What the hell did I miss???  In the three hours that I was gone, today's daily total for the number of hits at www.sweetpickles.typepad.com reached 163!!  I think that almost doubles my previous daily record, and I only added one post today!  Why are people all-of-the-sudden loving me so hard?  Should I be scared? I don't think www.sweetpickles.typepad is quite ready for prime time. 

How people get here never ceases to amaze me!

Unfortunately, the short answer to your question is 'no'... believe me, Sweet Pickles has tried it before.  All it does is make your crotch smell lemony fresh. 

Feeling better!

Since Tuesday evening, Sweet Pickles has been feeling poorly.  It's that time of year when my seasonal sinus infection gears up.  Enough so that I've had a temperature and sore throat and upset stomach that made me cancel class on Wednesday, and miss Yom Kippur services.  At least being sick and bedridden did help me obey the prohibitions associated with the Day of Atonement... no eating or drinking; no bathing; no wearing leather shoes; no sexual relations; etc.  For Sweet Pickles, the not eating is a cinch... it's the no sex from sundown to sundown that is next to impossible.  Euhhhhh!

Today I started feeling better in late afternoon.  One thing that helped was this site.  It comes recommended by both Frenchie and Ruby (so you know that shite is good)!

You ain't gonna believe this one.

Some visitors may be looking for macaroon pictures.  Others can't get enough of Jaclyn Smith.  But peep this.  I bet somebody left sweetpickles.typepad.com extremely disappointed. 

Today is just full of chuckles!

For yet another laugh riot, check out this blog about "unnecessary quotation marks" (which I stumbled upon through the awesome cake wrecks blog)!

Check this out!

This comes recommended from M-Shan.  It's a blog that features cake-decorating gone wrong.  It is hee-haw-hilarious!

What's this one all about??

Here are two phrases I never expected to see together (or to lead searchers to Sweet Pickles' blog)!

Sorry for the minimal posting lately!

Dear Readers,

I apologize for being so out-of-touch and derelict in my blogosphere commitments lately.  It's just that I've been busy (read: in rehab), had some unexpected things come up (read: herpes flare-up), and been preoccupied (read: trying to prevent the unauthorized publication by a jilted ex of a compromising videotape) these past few weeks. 

As with so many other aspects of Sweet Pickles' life that require thinking, sweetpickles.typepad.com should probably go on a summertime hiatus.  But we'll put that decision off 'til we've dried out (read: probably never).

Love,

Your Favorite Blogger

Well, well, well!

Today, sweetpickles.typepad.com has tied its record of 120 views in a single day!  I'm even more excited that this is happening on a day when TypePad is preventing sweetpickles.typepad.com from achieving its regular standards of greatness.  Regardless, it must've been Rita that's bringing all the boys to the yard.

Another milestone!

WOO HOO!! Today, the number of people who viewed sweetpickles.typepad.com surpassed the hundred mark! Sweet Pickles wants to thank each of you for peepin' his blog, especially the two viewers who were led here by these google search results:

"sweet pickles If only I had teeth"

"kinkade's bad childhood"

I owe it all to my fans!

[a.k.a., I did it all for the nookie.]

Today represents a milestone for sweetpickles.typepad.com. In the 18-day history of this paradigm-shifting blog that revolutionized how Western civilization thinks about blogging, sweetpickles.typepad.com has never had 70 hits in one day. On this random Monday, we did it. And Sweet Pickles couldn't have done it without the loyal support from readers like you.

What I still haven't figured out is, why today? Is there something in the more recent content that titillates Sweet Pickles' readership more than the usual fare? Have I misjudged how many people out there want to read about Hillary Clinton's beauty regimen, or Sooz Orman's literacy issues, or the award-winning film No Country for Blood??? I ask because Sweet Pickles is all about giving people anyt'ing they want [spoken in the voice of the Vietnamese prostitute in Full Metal Jacket].

Regardless, tell your friends about me. Euhhhhh!