Sweet Pickles

My richass new phone...

... is going to involve a steep learning curve.  I do understand that it takes everyone a while to figure out how to do certain tasks whenever they get a new phone, but after hours of playing around with it, I still couldn't figure out how to initiate a text message without reading through a 'tutorial' on the phone.  I still can't check my voicemail.  It is a birthday gift from Sister Pickles, who works for Sprint, and on whose friends-and-family plan I will be paying about $15 per month for all kinds of unlimited everything. 

Saturday night, Sister Pickles and I went to a friend's annual holiday party and had a blast.  On the way to the party, I made Sister Pickles swing by the Bagby's new house so I could get some beer I left in their fridge, because I keep forgetting that one can purchase cold beer in the civilized world!  On the way back home late that night, we drove through the Whataburger drive-thru (I've eaten at Whataburger twice since coming home, because I miss their awesome ketchup).  Sunday night, la familia Pickles had a little reunion with the other families who used to live in the same neighborhood when I was growing up, and it was nice.  Monday, Brad Bagby and I went to get the stuff to make vodka gimlets and drank them at his place while T-Bagg and my godchildren were in Big D.  [Question:  What's the big deal about Grey Goose?  I don't understand why rappers are always so horned up about it.]  Today, I went with Mama Pickles to have lunch with her friend Rosemary, and then run errands.  Tomorrow, T-Bagg and I are taking my godchildren to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch (my Christmas present for the kids), then going to shop at the Asian grocery store.  Over the past several days, I've gotten a lot of good work done for my upcoming Wintersession class, but am starting to get a bit worried about how much more there is to do!

Here are some recent discoveries and rediscoveries about my family members, with whom I have been having a totally awesome time:

DADDY PICKLES

• Likes - the movie Hangover; pork; waking up before sunrise every day; watching movies on the computer while sitting at the desk; those banking commercials where an adult tricks a child (especially the one with the real pony)
• Dislikes - staying awake past 7:00pm

MAMA PICKLES

• Likes - the movie Hangover; pork; homemade 'trash' (a.k.a., Chex-mix); sleeping until lunch time; television shows about horrific crimes; jazzercise
• Dislikes - driving on the right-hand side of the road

SISTER PICKLES

• Likes - the movie Hangover; pork; betting on football games;
• Dislikes - the laziness and/or helplessness of Sweet Pickles

"We were just creative kids with no outlet!"

Getting drunk on the phone with Wipey last night, he reminded me of the baroque prank calls that our group of friends in high school used to make when we were bored. These prank calls were highly elaborate, interactive, and contained intricate narrative structures. After recounting several of our greatest hits with Wipey, my beer and I ended up on the horn with Brad Bagby, with whom I recalled a couple of others. At one point during all the laughter, I pondered, "What was wrong with us?" Brad said, "Nothing... we were just creative kids with no outlet." Which made me feel better about the fun we used to have at others' expense. Here's a sampling of what we smalltown geniuses cooked up...

Target: out-of-place substitute teacher with a large bouffant
Persona: Deborah the assistant manager at Taco Bell (played by Sweet Pickles)
Premise: notifying lucky customer about the coupon booklet she had won in a random drawing
Objective: convince victim to present herself to the manager of the Taco Bell to claim her prize
Hightlight: the victim’s increasing enthusiasm because of how hard Deborah was selling the greatness of the amazing coupon booklet (Victim: “But I didn’t sign up for any drawing.” Deborah: “Then you need to find out who to thank for signing you up, because you are gonna LOVE this coupon booklet!”)

Target: dorky gay guy
Persona: mysterious suitor (played by Brad Bagby)
Premise: trying to connect after near-miss encounter at our county’s one gay club
Objective: convince victim to show up for a first date
Hightlight: mysterious suitor’s indignation at not being remembered by the victim, considering the intensity of the moment (Mysterious Suitor, after describing himself to the victim: “How can you still not remember? But we DANCED!” [note: the word ‘danced’ was pronounced ‘dahnced,’ in the British manner])

Target: JV cheerleader
Persona: socially-awkward girl in the Flag Corps (a real person in our school, played by A-Flor)
Premise: unpopular admirer becomes too close
Objective: freak out JV cheerleader with the prospect of a lesbian stalker
Hightlight: turn-in-the-conversation toward the erotic (Socially-Awkward Flag Corps Member: “Sometimes, when I’m lying in bed at night and can’t fall asleep, I pull out the yearbook and open it to the page with my favorite picture of you. And when the fan is blowing cool wind across my body…” JV Cheerleader: [quickly hangs up])

Target: a romantically-linked couple of band dorks
Personae: the girl’s fictitious cousin from out of town (played by A-Flor), the guy’s fictitious cousin from out of town (played by Sweet Pickles)
Premise: the boyfriend/girlfriend wants to break up with their girlfriend/boyfriend, but is so upset/angry that they can’t talk to them on the phone themselves
Objective: to break up a couple
Hightlight: ex post facto reckoning at school the next week, in which Sweet Pickles was confronted by the incensed flute player

2004 Flashback: A Year in the Life of the Pickle

That Whitney Biennial where I first saw Julie Mehretu's work got me thinking about 2004.  I remember it as a year in which I was actively happy (God, how could I have not been... I looked amazing!) whereas, these days, I guess I would say that I'm content more than rapturous.  So, I dug out photo albums for a trip down Memory Lane.

In the life of Sweet Pickles, 2004 was the year...

• of my first-ever trip to NYC (the first of many art-related travels with L-Ant).
• that my godson was born which, as with the birth of his sister, and in the words of Michael K, made me feel feelings in my heart.
• of the surprise blowout Sister Pickles and I threw for our parents' 40th wedding anniversary.
• of my first Thanksgiving away from home (i.e., the whiskey-sours Thanksgiving at G-Wrobe's).
• that I started looking really hot (the modeling contracts didn't start rolling in until 2005).

Things that were a regular part of my life that I really miss:

• dinner parties at J-Klo's house
• $105 per week to meet with a trainer every MWF
• tanning beds
• vanilla vodka
• Sue, the best cleaning lady I ever had
• T-Lev's house in the Valley
• theme parties at G-Wrobe's house (e.g., the Monochromatic Party)
• parties at my own house (e.g., the Okonomiyaki Party, my first Annual 29th Birthday Party)
• Student Art Association functions (Flashback Prom, Halloween Party)
• HYFA happy-hours at the Long Shot
• the book club that met in the coffee shop on campus
• Old Chem 402, my penthouse office for my first 5 years here
• working with M-Add every day
• slutty dancing with A-Mar every time the song "Butterfly" came on at a party

People who were here then that I miss now:

J-Klo, the Housleys, Yankee Librarian, the Navalinksys, Christiane G., Christelle F., Elizabeth and Andrew, Lisa R., Jen A., Helene S., and more

People who are still here that I wish I saw more of these days:

the Dales, Dr. Oh, T-Lev, G-Wrobe, Joanna F., Kao-chan, Angela H., Gin & Ash, Yunhee, Charles B., and more

People who are still here that I wish would leave:

Frosty (apparently), the Bald Dwarf, and her girlfriend (president of the Pentecostal Hair Club for Women)

Guess what this weekend is!

RED RIVER SHOOTOUT!!!

Misty-Water-Colored Memory of the Way We Were:  One Friday each October, back when George H. W. Bush was president, we always skipped classes to caravan up I-35 to Big D for the annual UT-OU game.  Although we never got tickets to go inside the Cotton Bowl, we still made the migration every year for the par-tay, and about 15 of us would stay the weekend in a friend's 2-bedroom/1-bath apartment across from the SMU campus.  One year, we decided that we needed something more special than the usual "Hook 'Em" or "Go, 'Horns" to shoe-polish on the back window of K-Bor's car for the ride north, but couldn't figure out what we should write.  That genius T-Bagg proposed: "Dallas-Bound and 'Horny" (and we made the 'o' in Horny in the iconic shape of Bevo's head).  On the highway, we got more complimentary beer passed to us from the open windows of other fans' speeding cars than we knew what to do with!

Ya know what I miss?

Pre-2006 Facebook.  This answers a lot of questions. 

"Look good hair, go 'head look good."

I don't know why, but Brad Bagby's recent return to Music Slut trivia brought back a fond memory.  Back in 2005, when Kanye West's Gold Digger was rocking our respective worlds, Brad Bagby used to sing to himself a modified version of the lyrics "Get down girl, go 'head get down" (see the title of this post) whenever he was getting ready in front of the mirror.  Sweet Pickles wonders if this is still happening on a regular basis.

The song I've had in my head all afternoon...

My friend and colleague D-Sap told me she used this in her American Culture class today.  To which my response was, "Why haven't I ever thought of that?!?!"  I have to say that, of all the great old Schoolhouse Rock tunes, this has always been my fave. What's yours? 

Remember when George W. Bush's father was vice-president?

So, I finally got up in the attic, and managed to find a shoebox with some stuff I could use for tomorrow night's 80s Dance Party/benefit for the local animal shelter. 

Most depressing artifacts: several very 80s old belts that won't fit around my thigh, much less around my waist anymore. 

Most fun artifacts: some random Charlie's Angels collectors' cards (the kind that came in packs with a flat sheet of bubble gum, and have portraits of the Angels or action shots labeled "Jill nabs a crook!" or "Kelly poses as a cop," or "Sabrina cracks the case!").  I don't know how exactly I might use these (because I hate to get rid of them), but I'm thinking of 'trading' them to people who buy me drinks (I'm a slutty lush like that).  Or maybe I'll just carry them in my pocket and flash them to people I wanna get with.  But I'm not sure of of what years the show ran... was it too 70s? 

Most suitable or relevant artifacts (as far as the costume contest is concerned): two Swatch watches (I had many more than that, back in the day), a 'hand-woven' friendship bracelet (in pink and green), a skinny knitted necktie (Ralph Lauren Polo, bitches), my retainer, one of those loops to hook to the arms of your sunglasses (the kind your grandmother has on her bifocals, that were cool for a few minutes at the end of the first Reagan Administration), and an assortment of buttons (the kind you could wear on the lapels of a jacket or the straps of a backpack) reading "Depeche Mode," "Berlin," "I've been slimed" (Ghostbusters), "It's not who you are, it's what you wear," "Do ya think I'm sexy?" "Disco is out, break-dancing is in," (FYI, disco is never out), "I want to be disgustingly rich," and again "Depeche Mode" (FYI, recognize).  If you go tomorrow night, and buy me a drink, I might let you wear one of them for a little while. 

Most nostalgic artifact: the 8-track-to-cassette converter that I got with my first car (one of my mother's cast-offs... an American-made cruise ship that still had an 8-track deck, and could comfortably seat 12 people, which Brad Bagby dubbed "The Nurse" because it was white and solid).  The converter's connectivity was sketchy, so it required a butter knife from my mother's silverware pattern to be inserted along with the converter into the 8-track deck [Do you remember that, Brad Bagby or Wipey?], but it was a necessary evil because you couldn't get Depeche Mode on 8-track! 

Artifacts I need from SweetPickles.typepad.com readers:  a pink button-down oxford cloth shirt and a pair of size-9 deck shoes/boaters.  I want to wear the pink oxford over a green polo shirt (collar turned up), and my skinny knitted Polo necktie over it.  Of course I will also be rocking 'pegged' cuffs on my pants, but have no era-appropriate footwear.  Or, if you don't have either of these items, I'll settle for this shirt:

Additionally, I also need someone to sub my Friday morning classes, so that Sweet Pickles can get crunk on Thursday night!  Hook a brother UP!  Meet me there at 8:00pm tomorrow, even if you don't want to do the trivia contest... that way we can get a buzz in the parking lot on Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers before the ass-shaking starts at 9:00pm!

The summer my youth died...

never seems to end.  Is this what every generation goes through, all at once like that?  What scares me the most is that almost every pop cultural icon to die this summer has been younger than my parents.  Although I probably would never have described myself as an actual fan, I found this tribute video montage of great scenes from Patrick Swayze's movies a positive reminder of his career. 

A blast from the past!

A local friend, whom I don't see often enough, posted this on Facebook earlier this evening.  I had completely forgotten about this show!

Musings from Bed

Didn't get home from T-War's after-party con los Ecuadorianos until 4:45am, so another shout-out to our willing hostess!  The impending conclusion of this summer session and fast-approaching departure of the Ecuadorians (and my Mexican students) has already got me missing Summer 2009. 

Pretty soon, I should drag my corpse out of bed.  I need to go pick up some party supplies before heading over to D-Hug's and P-Rut's barbecue.  Good times!  And another example of why the other seasons that aren't summer are three player-hatin' biotches.  I wish that summers never ended. 

For reasons I don't understand myself, I just went on an online music-buying binge in which I only downloaded songs from Steely Dan or England Dan & John Ford Coley.  I've never owned a single song by either artist (and part of me still recoils at the thought of the money spent on nothing to which my ass can be shaken).  I came across one of their songs when it was suggested to me by iTunes.  It was the kind of stuff that was playing on the radio in my daddy's truck or my mama's Gran Torino during the Ford Administration.  I think I'm on some kind of nostalgia jag. 

Something else that I am missing about childhood and my home are the lakes in my home county.  I never thought anything special about them, and just took it for granted that every county had its own lakes, and assumed that ours were probably the lamest.  Now that I've had opportunities to compare, I can now r-r-recognize and appreciate them.  I'm not saying that either is Lake Tahoe, but I miss them and am sad that I won't be able to make it back home while it's still summer. 

Joyeux anniversaire, France!

That said, I still miss the Ancien Régime.

I like my lady leaders a little on the badass side!

Wednesday in my International Relations class for the Mexican students, each had to give a small presentation about a female political leader of the 20th or 21st century.  After everyone had finished telling the group about the different presidents and prime ministers, I posed the question:  "If we had to elect one of these people to become the leader of our class, for whom would you vote, and why?"  The options were:  Corazon Aquino, Violetta Chamorro, Benazir Bhutto, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, Angela Merkel, and Margaret Thatcher (there had been a few other possibilities, but these are the ones they each selected to learn about).  Their responses really impressed me.  After all 7 of the students had voted, the results were:

Violetta Chamorro - 1
Angela Merkel - 3
Margaret Thatcher - 3

To break the tie, they insisted that I cast the deciding vote.  I hemmed and hawed, discussing what I liked about each, detailing why it was difficult to choose one.  But, of course, I eventually came down to either Thatcher or Meir with Merkel a close third (after all, I'm both a Saxon and a Jew), explaining how significant I felt it was that both Thatcher and Meir had demonstrated that women can be successful as commanders-in-chief.  Certainly the Yom Kippur War outweighs the Falklands War in terms of military crises, but since Meir had no chance of winning our class election, I went with Thatcher.  If only the Tories had been as smart as my students (John Major?  Please.), the Iron Lady might still be kicking ass and taking names!

Requiescant in Pace

I'm feeling especially old today.

Do you remember?

I can't recall exactly the name of the program, but I think it was something like "Scholastic Reader."  The one where you used to could order little books in elementary school?  Your teacher would distribute the cheap-paper 'catalogs' in class, and you'd take it home, and your mom would send back a check with your completed order-form.  Then you'd have to wait an agonizing eternity (probably 2 weeks, but it seemed like decades) for the shipments to arrive at your school.  On the day the catalogs were disbursed, I'd hem and haw over which books to choose, because I knew that Mama Pickles would let me get whatever the minimum order was to get the free poster of kittens in a basket.  I recall always opting for the latest Frog and Toad book as one of my selections, because they came with a 45 record (proto-audiobooks?), and of course, the latest Sweet Pickles book (natch).  On those days when I came into the classroom and could see the boxes sitting on the teacher's desk, I'd wet myself and be unable to concentrate on anything else until the end of the day when I could finally get my hands on my kittens poster. 

Catching up with Depeche Pickles!

What has Sweet Pickles been up to lately?  A whole lot of nothin' (but in a good way). 

Mama Pickles and Daddy Pickles have arrived safely back in the Lone Star state after a nice visit.  We didn't do anything special, just caught up, made each other laugh, and ate a lot.  Some very good QT.

Saturday was B-Whit's partay for M-Add's and K-Fiel's birthdays.  Those sluts turned it OUT.  L-Hane (my opposite-sex Doppelgänger) brought down the house with the best orange Jello-shots EVAH (I assume most of you have seen the pics of them on Facebook already?).  After I posted the party pics on Facebook, a friend from elementary school commented "Your friends are lucky--wish you were one of my friends here in Cali--you always look like you are having a blast!"  I don't know why her comment touched me so much, but it totally made my day.  Someone who lives in L.A. and is the mother of a television child-star wishes she could hang out more with me?  Go on, girl... recognize!  But really, Sweet Pickles is the one who's lucky to have the kind of friends she saw in all those pictures. 

This morning, the temperature was 54F at 9:00am, which infuriates me.  What was Sweet Pickles doing up at 9:00am when classes aren't in session, you wonder?  Meeting K-Fiel at the gym for some cardio!  And we're headed back tomorrow morning for more.  Our new theme for Summer '09 is "Gettin' Skinny!"  Because I simply cannot have another summer at 20 lbs. over my ideal weight. 

Which reminds me... is anybody else up for a mad-dash weekend getaway to Laredo some time soon?  We could fly in on a Friday, take care of business early (i.e., 10-minute consultation with a local doctor then get prescriptions for Mexican diet pills filled at the farmacia), load up on good tequila to pack and bring back, sip margaritas in the plaza, shop, find some place to listen to some mariachi, get our freak on, brunch at La Posada and then fly back on a Sunday afternoon.  Who's with me?

Speaking of travel (and fun), L-Ant's been negotiating with her Japanese contact, and it's sounding hopeful that they'll be able to get our per-person cost down below $3,000!  Although that doesn't include roundtrip airfare (or shopping or boozing or bail), it DOES include <b>everything else</b> (all hotels, meals, in-country travel, and admissions fees for 7 days/nights in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka, with stops in Yokohama and Nagoya).  For those of you employed here at Ye Olde Academic Sweatshoppe, you can have the cost deducted from your paycheck over a period of up to (I think) 12 months.  And you're never gonna find a sexier pair of tour-guides than L-Ant and the Pickle.  It's been exactly 3 years since the last time we were there, and it won't be the same since Frenchie won't be with us this time around.  Unless...?!?!?!

We're going to THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN, bitches!  Departing 25-July.  Come with!!  To get you in the mood, here's a delightful video filmed with some tourists' camera, shot from the conveyor-belt inside a kaiten sushi restaurant... every time I watch it, I think "Those are my peeps!"  I hope you'll get to see some of them, live, in person, and soon :)

You know who pulls? "This Life" pulls!

Did any of you ever see "This Life" on BBC America back in the day?

Although the series was created back in the mid-1990s, I very much associate it with the period 2000-2002 (which is when I was watching it), and my old apartment back when I first moved here.  The concept was very similar to "Friends," but it was a drama instead of a sitcom, and cool rather than goofy.  Before I got close with J-Klo or N-House, the cast were kinda like my first 'friends' in my new life.

That show was the first time I ever heard my all-time favorite pick-up line:  "Get your coat, love.  You've pulled."  And I remember how much I loved the theme song (another contrast with "Friends")... I haven't heard it since, and I think that if I heard it right now, I'd get all verklempt.  Apparently there's a soundtrack, but it's one of those import buys on Amazon.com that is priced in pounds sterling (Sweet Pickles ain't an international banker, yo!).  [Anyone visiting the UK between now and December: you know what to do.]

The only thing I don't love about British television is how most series don't run for very long.  I guess the upside is that they know how to quit while they're ahead, and never have to jump the shark. 

If it's available through Netflix, you should totally get it.  Let me know, and I'll bring a box of Franzia!

Ode to the Sun

Yankee Librarian's recent post about the love of my life was right on time.  Today, I was walking around downtown with JustJess, T-War, and K-Fiel during our town's annual arts festival.  T-War and K-Fiel had just bought some of those bigass Henry VIII turkey drumsticks, and we were looking for a place to sit while they ate.  One of them pointed at a small tree across the street and said "We can sit in the shade."  Then it hit me... shade!  Yes, the sun was out, and with enough intensity to create shadows!  God, it's been a long time.  And the temperature was warm enough to be pushing us to actually seek shade.  Can it be that April is actually almost over?  Brushing my teeth a while ago, I noticed a bit of color on my forehead!

Where I'm from, the sun isn't just a lighting effect, it's a physical presence.  And its presence is ubiquitous (and for about half the year, intense).  There, the summer sun doesn't shine, it burns.  And there, it looms closer, just inches above your head.  It's not a yellow disk in a blue sky.  Its brightness bleaches the color out of the daytime, and its reflections in glass and chrome blinds.  Even with all the drapes closed, there was rarely a lightbulb on anywhere in the house during daylight hours... it wasn't necessary, and would only make your mind think it was even hotter than it actually was.  That's my sun, and I miss it! 

In the words of John Denver, sunshine all over my naked body on my shoulders makes me happy!

"Laying in the after glow..."

JustJess texted me the good news!

Just ask Allison what happens to those who disappoint me!

Today I introduced the group project in my art appreciation class.  Each group will be required to produce a travel brochure titled "Seven Wonders of the Non-Western World."  After arranging all 44 students into ten groups, I set the scene for them.  It went a little something like this...

"This class is an ad agency.  Each group is a different R&D (Research and Design) team.  A large travel company has invited our firm to submit proposals for an ad campaign promoting educational tours to international visual arts destinations.  The name of the ad campaign is "Seven Wonders of the Non-Western World."  The name of our firm is D&D.  My name is Amanda Woodward, and I will not hesitate to destroy your careers if your work doesn't meet my specifications." 

And they got it!  I had wrongfully assumed that a Melrose Place reference would be too old for most of them. 

Spring Cleaning: Update

Dishwasher has been unloaded and reloaded with stove-top burner covers, plastic knobs/dials, and glass plate from the interior of the microwave.  Kitchen trashcan has been hosed down, scrubbed, and disinfected.  One kitchen countertop has been scrubbed down and disinfected. 

Got dizzy from 'better-living-through-chemistry', so took a break to chat with T-Bagg and then Mama Pickles.  Delta Dawn by Tanya Tucker had come on the Party Shuffle, which reminded me of T-Bagg, who had a miniature Schnauzer named after that song.  Her and Brad Bagby are in San Antonio (where it's 85F today) with her father and my godchildren, doing the Alamo, the River Walk, Sea World, etc., while the kids are on Spring Break.  Then I called Mama Pickles to ask a cleaning question.  She said "Do not put your coffee maker in the dishwasher!  Use an old toothbrush to clean in all the nooks and crannies."   So, I just finished scrubbing that biotch out by hand. 

A little while ago while I was fumed up in the kitchen, Hands Clean by Alanis Morisette came on the Party Shuffle.  That song was out the summer I bought my house in 2002, and I will always associate it with my first (and probably only) real estate purchase.  As I scrubbed, I remembered how excited I was back then, and how bright and shiny my new house was, and it motivated me to continue on with this cleaning BS.  And then I got all verklempt thinking about old friends who were here to share my excitement, but have moved away since then.  J-Klo, N-House and D-House, E-Liz, H-Sinn, M-Sull, C-Nav, F-Preiss, C-Günth, a dozen Art grad students, and so many more aren't here to get drunk at my house (or help me clean it after a party), and that's making me a little sad :(

Is live-blogging the cleaning of my house the boringest idea ever, or what?  I suspect it's a form of avoidance, or at least, procrastination. 

FINALLY!

Old El Paso salsa is now available at my local grocery store. And my happening upon this treasure was entirely accidental. I was so excited! I wish you all could have been there to see me doing my ‘happy dance’ (it looks a lot like the Lambada, but with just one person) in the aisle.

For years now, I have been making due with Pace (the kind of stuff that people in places like Indiana, or Delaware, or Oregon buy). And I wouldn’t be caught dead with a bottle of that Taco Bell salsa in my hand.

Trust your favorite Sexan (Sexy Texan), this is some good stuff. Maybe not Guadalajara-good. But at least Austin-good. Which is better than Minneapolis-good or Nashville-good when it comes to salsa.

For my local readers, your assignment is: go out and buy some every week, so that maybe they’ll keep selling it here!

'Supper' tonight

I guess Texas really is where the South meets Mexico.  Tonight, Mama Pickles (who feels it's yankified to refer to the evening meal as 'dinner') made fried green tomatoes, which we ate with tamales for supper tonight.  Da. Lish.

Priorities: "So just put down the coffee."

It's hard to stay mad

Conversation on my back porch this morning:

The Sun:  "Heyyyyy... you miss me?"
Sweet Pickles:  "Hello, Sun."
The Sun:  "Ouch.  Why so cold?"
Sweet Pickles:  "Oh, I don't know... maybe because you totally disappeared for five days!"
The Sun:  "Come on now... you know I've been working down in the Southern Hemisphere."
Sweet Pickles:  "Then why don't you just drag your sorry ass back to Sydney or Cape Town or wherever the hell you've been hanging out."
The Sun:  "Don't be like that, boo."
Sweet Pickles:  "Like what?  I texted you a million times.  I even called your mama's house.  But I guess you were just too busy shining yourself all over those sluts in Rio to call me back."
The Sun:  "Where you going?"
Sweet Pickles:  "Back inside to wait for the Moon to come out."
The Sun:  "The Moon!  I'm gone five days, and now you're running around with the Moon?!?!  How you gonna play me like that?"
Sweet Pickles:  "What was I supposed to do, wait around forever?  I'm a hot-blooded mammal, I need some brightness in my life."
The Sun:  "You know the Moon can't do for you what I do."
Sweet Pickles:  "Yeah, well at least the Moon was here when I needed it!"
The Sun:  "I brought you a present back with me."
Sweet Pickles:  "Keep it."
The Sun:  "Don't you even wanna know what it is?"
Sweet Pickles:  "No."
The Sun:  "C'mon... it's your favorite."
Sweet Pickles:  "So what is it?"
The Sun:  "Vitamin D.  And not that weak-ass supplement shit."
Sweet Pickles:  "Vitamin D!  Can I open it now??"
The Sun:  "Now that's more like it.  Sit your sweet self back down on that patio furniture and let me warm you up."
Sweet Pickles:  "Oh, Sun!"

Don't call it a comeback!

According to the New York Times, an old fave may soon be available again at a store near you!  Back in the day, Gurkha shorts were a staple in Sweet Pickles' college wardrobe.  And I do believe I actually purchased mine at an old-school Banana Republic (the one in Austin's Highland Mall, I think).  Sporting them with a long-sleeved mock turtleneck from GAP and a pair of Cole Haan pinch-buckle loafers (no socks), I was unstoppable. 

 

P.S. - At no time were my Gurkha shorts ever belted above my waistline (as worn by the British soldiers pictured in the Times' article).

You know what else I miss?

The greatest series on television EVER. This intro sure brings back memories. And makes me want to fly into DFW!

You know what I miss?

The most awesome chain of grocery stores in the whole wide world. I never knew how good I had it! Please come to the Magnolia State, HEB. Pretty please?

Galveston: Mother City of the Republic of Texas

I've been remiss in sharing my heartbreak at what Hurricane Ike has done to my favorite city of my home state, Galveston, 'The Oleander City'. At one time, Galveston was the most important city in Texas, and the most important port in the Gulf of Mexico. Most of the state's old families are 'Islanders' (which is what Galvestonians call themselves). Although eventually displaced by the rise of Houston, Galveston still remains one of the most popular destinations in the state, treasured for its architecture, its food, its beaches and bay, its flora and fauna, its history, and its good-times atmosphere. It is to Texas what Charleston is to South Carolina, what Savannah is to Georgia, what New Orleans is to Louisiana. I hope some of these images will communicate some sense of how amazing a place Galveston is. And when things return to normal, I hope you'll visit there sometime. Come with!!

 

My trip home: big fun, too brief

After a successful trip home for my class reunion, Sweet Pickles is back again. The whole thing was mos def worth the exorbitant cost of the airfare. After all the worries about insufficient weight loss and underwhelming wardrobe options, Sweet Pickles was still one hot commodity. Mama Pickles said she hoped this taught me a valuable lesson. Oh, it did... Sweet Pickles has still got it! [Although I think what she meant was something like, people will still like you no matter how you look. Yeah, right!] My only regret was not being able to stay for a longer visit home. Here are a couple of items spotted around my hometown that reminded me of some of the things I miss about home:

Homemade business signs in which the phone number has too many digits (and, apparently, free gas)...
and, authentic Asian cuisine...

Big Fun

BHS Class of '98 had big fun last night.  I was pleasantly surprised by how great everybody looked.  And by how many people I enjoyed hanging out with, beyond my usual posse.  Since the event was held in a venue that was open to the public, we had a lot of awesome 'crashers' from other graduating classes.  At the end of the night, my bar tab was only $9.00.  For those of you who know me, you'll immediately recognize the improbability of this.  I don't know if the bartender was trying to get with me, or if it was some kind of accounting error, or if I was reaping some good karma, but I didn't ask any questions.

Tonight's the main event, which should include several more attendees who couldn't make it last night. 

Today, for lunch, I had Whataburger, which I miss a lot.  Tomorrow, I want to eat at Mr. Gatti's! 

This afternoon, I made music recommendations for my sister to pirate for her collection of hot downloads, and we had a fun afternoon.  To log onto her computer I had to ask what her password was.  She said, "dirtysluts.  One word.  Plural."  I didn't believe her.  It really was.  I said, "Why?"  She said, "Why not?"

A Remote Blogcast!

From my hometown! 

The temperature was 102 F when my plane landed at Bergstrom International (I still can't believe that Austin's airport qualifies as'international').  Even from the air, you could see that Texas has passed into the yellow phase of its summer, i.e., the sun has killed off most of the green grass everywhere except in a few shaded corners.  The sun seems so much brighter here.  It makes the sky a paler, more washed-out blue.  The sun's reflections off of glass or chrome surfaces everywhere is more intense.  I notice the need for sunglasses more.  At home, all of the window blinds are drawn, and interior lights are off, and air conditioning never stops.  For me, summer is when I miss Texas the most!

Tonight is the first night of Sweet Pickles 10th class reunion.  Last night when I was packing, I couldn't decide what to wear, so I brought all the possibilities with me.  In minute, I'm going to start trying on everything to decide what most makes me look like I did actually lose the 20 pounds I'd planned on dropping before this date arrived. 

When I wake up tomorrow afternoon, I'll try to blog again with the lowdown on the BHS Class of '98 reunion.  Euhhhhh!

An old hero of Sweet Pickles'

A recent email from Brad Bagby reminded me of an old hero of mine who I miss seeing regularly on my television... Quinn Morgendorffer!  But ya know who I miss even more than Quinn??  Her BFF Sandi.  Now that was my kinda friend.  Actually, now that I think about it, the reason I probably like Quinn and Sandi so much is because their personalities remind me of Brad Bagby (Quinn) and myself (Sandi).  And Wipey would obviously be Daria, but if he wants to roll with us, he's gonna hafta be Tiffany.  Ahhh, good times at Lawndale High!

It's gettin' hot in therre!

Driving home from the office a while a go, I got a voicemail from Mama Pickles (timed 3:40pm).  She had called to make me jealous by reporting that today was the first day that the temperature reached 100 F.  She knows how much I miss summertime back home (i.e., REAL summer).  A hundred degrees, and it's not even June, y'all!  Man, I miss Texas sometimes!  

Ya know what I miss??

Sweet Pickles' Back-to-School Diet!

I recently noticed that there's a lot of foodstuff featured on sweetpickles.typepad.com lately. This is weird (since I hate food), and totally inappropriate (since I'm trying to lose 25 lbs. before my 10th class reunion next month)!

To rectify this situation, and get back on track, I'm thinking of trying an old fave from back in my college days (i.e., a few years ago). Every August before returning to Austin after a summer in my hometown, I'd follow this daily meal plan (one of many diets that I invented) for a super-effective crash-diet:

BREAKFAST: diet pills from Mexico (they also help you get a lot done all day!)

SNACKS THROUGHOUT THE DAY: ice (a way to hydrate that seems like eating something solid!)

LUNCH: ultralight cigarettes (a fun appetite suppressant at parties or on modeling shoots!)

DINNER: kleenex tissues (like rice cakes, but with fewer carbs!)

DESSERT: packets of artificial sweetener (for your sweet tooth!)

What I really miss is how my body used to respond to dieting. The older I get, the less effective starvation becomes. Which is totally depressing. But maybe one last hurrah for Sweet Pickles' Back-to-School Diet... just for old times' sake? Any local readers care to join me?

You know what I miss?

my goddaughter, M-Bagg

Her first year of school (kindergarten) is almost over.  I hate when she does smart things and I'm never around to enjoy them.   

Here are some similarities she shares with her godfather:

1.)  Enrolled in her school's program for talented/gifted students (although at a much earlier age than her godfather).

2.)  Hyper-conscious of her appearance in photographs.

3.)  Loves the sun, but easily hurt by it.

4.)  Is the object of her classmates' envy.

5.)  Hobbies include:  drawing; telling others what to do; ass-shaking.

6.)  And her new favorite drink is Calpis!

P.S. - Notice her rich-ass Hannah Montana lunchbox, courtesy of Uncle Pickles.

P.P.S. - Can you believe this child is one-quarter Japanese?

Know what I miss?

My Japanese homeslice, H-Tak.

Especially at this time of year, when I used to be gearing up to take students to Japan during the May Intersession. He's pictured here at my favorite karaoke studio in Osaka. He's the richest person I've ever known on a personal level. Why can't I have friends this rich in my home country, where it could do me some good on a regular basis? But it's him I miss, not his family's limousine. I swear. No, I mean it. For reals, y'all!

Frenchie and LA should recognize the briefcase behind him.

I miss...

Wayne and Cindy.  Which is a way of saying that I miss spin classes with my former trainer C-Brew (a.k.a., the Spin Nazi).  When my BFF (J-Klo, who moved so far away) and I first started going to his spin classes, we observed how he would single out (by name) certain riders in the group for extra exertion.  So, early on, J-Klo and I started referring to each other by the pseudonyms ‘Wayne’ and ‘Cindy’ so that the Spin Nazi wouldn’t ever learn our true identities.  I don’t know why we chose these two particular names (I started calling her Cindy, and she responded with Wayne).  These aliases became an ongoing joke between the two of us.  Eventually, long after we got to know the Spin Nazi, the plot behind Wayne and Cindy came out, and the Spin Nazi punished us accordingly in his spin classes. 

After the Spin Nazi quit teaching spin classes at our gym, Cindy and I tried several other instructors’ classes.  None of them compared.  As much as the Spin Nazi’s classes kicked our asses (literally), as much as we whined about having to go every time, we never missed a class.  Since then, I have yet to find another spin class (or any other aerobic activity, for that matter) in which I can burn 500 calories in 45 minutes.  I have also never found a spin instructor with taste in music as good as the Spin Nazi. 

“Spin Nazi, come back!  Any kind of fool could see,

There was something in everything about you.”

I miss...

my BFF who moved so far away :(

I miss...

The Whitney Biennial.

Ceci n'est pas une swimming pool

I live in the most no-swimming-pool-havin' place in the country. I don't know if it's because nobody here can afford to have a swimming pool, or if the water table is too high in this part of the country for below-ground pools. Whatever the reason, it's depressing. As summer approaches, this fact will only seem more depressing.

While it's not a real substitute, my solution will be an inflatable pool on my back porch this summer. Come over some time and stick your feet in. And bring beer!

Nostalgia

Technically, 'Silvie' (the predecessor of Goldie and Sexy Edward) wasn't my first car. I had driven one of my mother's cast-offs and then one of my father's cast-offs throughout high school. But Silvie was my first car that was only mine (i.e., hadn't previously belonged to a member of my family before me). Silvie was a 1989 Dodge Raider. I drove Silvie for 8 years. In that time, my recurring roadtrips put a lot of miles on Silvie... Austin to Laredo, Austin to Dallas, Austin to Galveston, and eventually the steady back-and-forth between Texas and Mississippi. The inside of Silvie smelled like a whole lot of Fendi cologne and Benson and Hedges Deluxe Ultralight 100s. Silvie's glove compartment was always full... hairbrushes, Mexican diet pills, cassingles of songs by Technotronic and The KLF. And you might not believe it by looking at Silvie, but I once fit nine people (including myself driving) inside Silvie!

Introducing...

my BFF!  Get to know my godchildren's baby-daddy.  Check out his answers to one of those questionnaires that is always circulating around MySpace:

Stickers!

Not the scratch-and-sniff kind, the kind you'd inevitably step on while running around your neighborhood barefoot. 

As the weather warms up and the days get longer again, I've been thinking about stickers lately, and how it's been decades since the last time I had to pull one out of the sole of my foot.  I suppose it's not actually the stickers themselves (or the pain) that I miss.  I guess what I miss is being outside and for most of the summer.  Along the same lines, I miss wearing a swimsuit all day long for two or three days in a row (before your mother would notice and make you change).  While I'm at it, I miss being way too into some activity to run inside when I got thirsty, but drinking directly from the end of the waterhose (which my mother said was disgusting because you never knew what dog had peed all over the end of the waterhose).  Maybe for Summer 2008, I should make a vow to do all three things more.  Anyone wanna come over (barefoot and in a swimsuit) to drink out of my waterhose this summer?

I miss...

Calpis!

Has anybody else ever tasted the deliciosity of Calpis? I can find it at the Asian grocery, but only in concentrate form, or for more than $3.00 per bottle :(