Sweet Pickles

Really?

Of America's twelve coolest college towns, most of this story's criteria would seem to disqualify us...  bicycles seem to outnumber cars, affordable restaurants serve up authentic cuisines from all around the world, nature is usually accentuated, performing arts abound, etc. 

Of course, part of me feels flattered that Ye Olde Academic Sweat Shoppe's town is the only SEC member to be included, but can our modest hamlet really be said to offer experiences comparable to those in places like Chapel Hill or Madison?  Maybe my insider's perspective is preventing me from seeing the forest for the trees.  As an undergrad, there was a lot about The Capital of Texas that drove me crazy sometimes (the traffic, the militant political correctness, the cult of the intentionally unattractive, etc.), and made my grad school's town seem like a welcome breath-of-fresh-air, but comparing our remote village to Austin seems a bit audacious. 

It's not that I'm worried about misleading outsiders with overly rosey impressions (and hey, we can always use the positive press to attract more cool people here).  I think it's the crotchety old grandpaw in me that doesn't want to give undeserved bragging rights to those of our students who will never have reason to visit places like Ann Arbor, Charlottesville, and Boulder.  Not that Sweet Pickles has been to all of these towns.  But I do have lots of friends who have lived in each (and many other cool college towns not on this list) who are fervently-devoted former residents in love with those places.  But, they've all adjusted well, and seem relatively happy here.  So maybe I'm just a grass-is-always-greener kind of guy. 

Free Tip of the Day

I you are a male who has thin hair that is really stringy, you probably shouldn't wear it shoulder length.  Especially if you have one of those rat faces.  I'm just sayin'. 

Trivial Facebook Rant

The word "yum" is starting to make my ass hurt.  I never hear anyone actually say it in real life, but it's in 85% of all status updates on Facebook.  And if you really want me to kick your ass, try "yummy!" 

Sure, there are some things I like to eat.  Recently, I was compelled to spread the word about the pickle plate at the Snackbar, for example.  Or Don Beer (does that count, since it's alcoholic?).  But I have NEVER used the word "yum," in speech or in print.

At a conceptual level, I understand that some people enjoy food.  I also recognize, that because I tend to view food as the ultimate enemy, I don't always 'get' it when people get all orgasmic on Facebook about the muffins they just baked, or the iced tea they just brewed, or the gouda they brought back from the gourmet grocery store.  And part of me wishes that homegrown yams or a cappuccino was all it took to get me off.  I do sometimes wonder, wouldn't my life be a better place if all it took to get me tantric was homemade oatmeal cookies with raisins?  It's a deviled egg, people... not an all-night coke-fueled celebrity orgy in the VIP room of some hot new club in LA.  Which is about what it would take for Sweet Pickles to go on Facebook to tell every 'tard I went to kindergarten with that something was "yummy!"

Ode to the Elusive Stapler

Over at Rate Your Students, a forum where those of us who teach college can kvetch, a recent post made reference to one of my favorite questions from students:

Do you have a stapler?

No, I don’t have a stapler. Did I have a stapler the first three times you tried this? See, I didn't write a paper that needs stapling. You did. Do you know who does have staplers? The store. That’s right. They are fully stocked. And I hear they barter goods for cash and coinage, so why don’t you plan on walking yourself over there at some point and picking one up? Excellent.

I liked this instructor's response, because it so closely parallels my own attitude in this particular matter.  When I was in grad school, if anybody had told me that the most recurring annoyance of teaching at the college level would be the dearth of stapler ownership among the teenage children of the privileged castes, I wouldn't have believed them.  At least 5 minutes of Sweet Pickles' beginning-of-the-semester 'Fair Warning' lecture (the 'shock and awe' kick-off to every Sweet Pickles class) is dedicated to the stapler.  In fact, the first day of class is the only occasion when I actually bring a stapler with me to class (in order to introduce this rarest of artifacts to students, and to demonstrate how it is used).

For any readers who are also combatants down in the trenches of pedagogical warfare, I'll pass along this small bit of ammo if it helps you to keep fighting the good fight.  This excerpt is a sample drill of what Lieutenant S. Pickles puts his incoming recruits through at the beginning of every semester (i.e., pre-stapler-ownership)...

This device is known as a stapler.  It is used to attach multiple pages, thus keeping them together and in their intended order at all times.  The model that I've brought with me for the purposes of illustration and demonstration is the personal property of your instructor, and today is the first and last time that you will ever lay eyes on it.  My stapler is shy and doesn't like to travel, although it generously agreed to come show itself to you today for the sake of education.  Because one fascinated student last semester tried to touch it, my stapler was against coming today, but I told it that part of the college experience should be exposure to different things so that students won't be frightened of strange new ideas like stapling, and so it relented.  As I said, after today, none of you will see my stapler again.  Ever.  That is because neither my briefcase nor my laptop bag is your mama's purse.  Similarly, I will never have a calculator, a Kleenex tissue, or some Tic-Tacs for you.  While I recommend highly the purchase of a stapler as a worthwhile investment for the next 6 years of your undergraduate studies here, I do recognize that some might not be able to afford one.  In that case, I would advise you to consider stapler-possession when deciding whom to date this semester.  "What is so necessary about having dependable access to a stapler," you might be asking yourselves.  In this course, and likely in others, you will be required to complete and submit assignments whose length will, on occasion, require more than one piece of paper.  In these instances, folding down the corners together like you did in junior high school will no longer suffice in the grown-up world.  Neither will paper clips, glue, saliva, rusty nails, caulk, chewed bubble gum, or fishing hooks.  And as part of my 'Fair Warning', I'm gonna let y'all in on a little secret about the first thing I do after collecting student papers... after class, I take the stack of papers outside into the parking lot (hoping that it's a particularly windy day), and toss them sky-high.  After gathering all of the scattered sheets, I take them home, tap a box of Franzia, and get out my red pen.  Any random, unidentified pages are discarded, and any first pages missing their following pages are marked 'F' with the speed of lightning.  This really cuts down on the amount of grading I have to do, which is time-consuming and labor-intensive.  Part of me wants to kick myself for giving you this 'heads-up', but I believe the children are our future.

Know what I'm tired of?

The ubiquitous misuse of the adverb too, in place of so or very.  You know what I'm talking about.  When you and your girls went out last night and split a dessert that was too delicious, and the bartender was too cute, and y'all had too much fun, and took some pics that were too hilarious (and then posted those pics along with some of your kid that were too precious).  What especially chafes is how this particular irritation is too 2007, and it wasn't cool even then.  File this annoying habit under "How to Lose a Guy in 20 Minutes."

Dear Sweet Pickles: An Advice Column

Via Facebook, Wipey writes:

hello sp--
i have to say that i am not that impressed with my newest fb friend, mrs. [girl we were in TAG with in junior high]. at first i was okay with reconnecting with her, but then, when I asked if she wanted to get together with her family at [a popular location in Austin, where they both live], she's like, "well, at this time of year, we really stay in our part of town. maybe we'll run into you sometime." okay---was that the biggest blow-off ever? apparently her conservative husband, mr. [husband of girl we were in TAG with in junior high], is running for judge in travis county. she made sure to tell me that. i think that i might actually get involved in politics next spring pacifically to thwart [them]. you know how i hold grudges against people like this...OMG...did you see what she did on her birthday:"church in the morning, pappadeaux for lunch, relaxing in the afternoon." okay. i may be obsessed at this point, but i am furious. i think i have an anger management prob....but maybe i'm just d-runk?
party on--
Wipey

Dear Wipey,

Although I had a crush on Ms. Girl-We-Were-in-TAG-with-in-Junior-High, in her most recent pics she looks very much like what she has apparently become... an old lady school teacher.  You, of all people (as a former member of the First Baptist family), should know better than to expect too much in the way of coolness from these people.  But, with that being said, how does she think y'all are going to "run into" each other in a metropolitan area the size of Austin?  And why is "staying in our part of town" tied to the season?  Or maybe she's like the [Dallas resident and former friend of ours from high school] of Travis County agoraphobics?  And her idea of birthday fun is not only a major snooze, but would be most people's definition of how NOT to celebrate a birthday.  What, between church and Pappadeaux's, she couldn't squeeze in a root canal and a tax audit?  And what's the point of living in one of the nation's hippest urban areas if all you're going to do is church and cheesy chain restaurants?  It's like moving to SoHo or Chelsea or the West Village for the quilting circles and monster-truck shows.  And as for her husband's Republican political aspirations in Austin, Texas... I hope he'll let us know how that works out for him.  So... my advice to you is:  Write back to Ms. Girl-We-Were-in-TAG-with-in- Junior-High, saying "If the cost of the gasoline is an issue for y'all, we totally understand.  Lots of people are having to stay in their parts of town in this economy.  We'd be happy to come pick y'all up.  And dinner will be our treat (we insist!)." 

For the rest of Sweet Pickles' readers, I share Wipey's experience as a cautionary tale.  Being friends with Baptists on Facebook can sometimes be as difficult as being friends with Baptists in real life.  For those of you with troubles of your own, let Sweet Pickles tell you what to do about them... email me your questions.  We'll start a new feature!  What should we call it?  Pickles Knows Best?  The Judge Picky Show?  Advice for the Young at Heart?

I'm afraid that Parrish's might be starting to suck :(

I wanted to go out tonight since tomorrow will be the only day this week that I don't have to get there by 9:30am.  Met up with JustJess and B-Hale, also knowing that K-Fiel and M-Add might be coming out after seeing some film.  But I was never able to get into the groove, because it took 20 minutes to get a beer.  Every time.  On a Monday night!  However, the deal-breaker was the volume of the music.  It was like shopping in an Abercrombie & Fitch (but hetero-erotic).  Disclaimer:  Most of you already know that I'm pretty hard-of-hearing in the first place.  But this was ridiculous.  If no one else is complaining, I always assume that it's just my deafness.  But I was far from the only one complaining.  If an establishment wants to crank up the jamz, then Sweet Pickles is gonna need a dancefloor and a lightshow.  And some X.  Otherwise, a Monday night in the middle of nowheresville is neither the time nor the place. 

I don't know which is worse...

boldfaced election fraud on behalf of a clown like Ahmadinejad, or the false hope that the victory of a 'reformer' could have had any real impact on the theocracy that runs Iran.  The Islamic Republic of Iran has never had real elections in any sense of the word that modern representative democracies would recognize.  To have any true hope for change, Iranians should have been filling the streets well before now.  The travesty of this 'election' is not its outcome, but rather its limited options (i.e., the pre-approved list of candidacies permitted by the medieval regime).  The delusions under which Moussavi's supporters had been laboring were naïve, but their disillusionment and the upheaval it has caused is, nonetheless, disheartening and difficult to watch.  After 30 years of this nonsense, I wonder if anyone inside Iran today would be ready to bring back Reza Pahlavi the former Crown Prince (below)?  Not in the same capacity as his father (God knows the Middle East already has more than its fair share of dictators), but as a unifying symbol in a parliamentary democracy similar to the Westminster model?  To me, this seems like Iran's best hope for a longterm future of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness... not the election of Moussavi or any of the other reformist candidates.

Who is "Little Caylee"???

And why the hell does she have her own 24-hour television channel?  According to a Wikipedia article, she's a child who went missing sometime LAST YEAR, whose mother was indicted sometime LAST YEAR, and whose remains were discovered sometime LAST YEAR. 

For months and months and months now, I haven't seen anything on CNN's Headline News that isn't about "Little Caylee."  The world's in the midst of a catastrophic economic meltdown, and our country is fighting two wars abroad, but I can't find any information about that on HLN. 

I can't wait to hear grown adult broadcasters code-switching between pompous legal jargon and baby talk about "poor, sweet Wittle Caywee."  Quit trying to pull on heartstrings, you jackasses.  Obviously, it goes without saying that the killing of a child is the most heinous of murders, and even more so when a parent is responsible.  Our species recognizes this fact instinctively and viscerally, and we don't need a network dedicated to 'news' to remind us every waking moment. 

CNN should start being honest with viewers by changing the channel's name (and its own name) to The Child Murders Network's Dead Babies Sideshow, because really, there's no news being broadcast here whatsoever.  It's only "Little Caylee," every night.  That is, until the trial is over.  Then HLN's caring 'journalists' will be on to the next ratings-boosting tragedy involving another murdered child, and "Little Caylee's" name will never be mentioned again by the network that is so obsessed with milking her name at this moment. 

It is gratuitous, distasteful, unethical in its profiteering, and non-stop.  But CNN is only the dealer who traffics in this kind of dead-baby porn.  It's the dead-baby junkies that watch this shite, and thus create the market for it, who really undermine my faith in humanity.  They are sensationalizing the horrific death of a child here, people!  It's reprehensible.

And here's what took my breath away... the only let-up in HLN's "Little Caylee Murderama" was a brief interlude in which Nancy Grace (the bloodsucking host of this travesty of news) displayed pictures of her own twins Lucy and John David (excuse me, Little Lucy and Little John David) doing adorable things, with sentimental music playing while the proud mom narrated the high jinks of her two little rascals.  I was dumbstruck.  While I imagine that Vampira Ms. Grace would defend her motivations as being those of a mother herself who wants to see that justice is done in the case of "Little Caylee," it came off as callous... a woman whose career appears to benefit indirectly from the continued perpetrations of gruesome crimes against other people's children showing off her own. 

In addition to changing its name, I also think that CNN should commit to airing a one-hour "Remembering Little Caylee" memorial special on the anniversary of her death, every year until the child would probably have died of natural causes had she not been killed (let's say 2087).  And if, in the year 2061 or 2079, annoyed viewers might ask "Who is Little Caylee, and why does she get a one-hour special every year," then you will have to tell them:  "Little Caylee's tragic death was the most important news story of 2008 (and 2009).  The world was a very different place before the events of her death.  No child had ever been murdered before that, and none have ever been murdered since.  What happened to her altered the course of human history on this planet.  When you think of the year 2008, Little Caylee is the single most important historic event to remember. Nothing even remotely as significant happened that year."  Otherwise, you'll have to tell them the truth... that your network devoted tens of thousands of hours of 'news' coverage to sensationalize the sad death of a child. 

But even if Sweet Pickles were still alive in 2061 or 2079 or 2087 (I'm assuming that Ms. Grace, however, will be), he wouldn't be seeing any of the annual "Remembering Little Caylee" specials, because he's taking HLN off the "Favorites Channels" listing on his remote control.  Right now.  And forever. 

This steaming pile...

is apparently available on DVD now, because I see it advertised during every commercial break on television.  I couldn't find an embeddable trailer for Fired Up, which is probably just as well because the trailer alone is enough to make my ass hurt.  But if you're in need of an emetic, you can find the trailer for this 'triple threat' ("Funny, Sexy, and Smart!"  SMART?  For reals??  Wouldn't "profound" or "epic" or "a cinematic tour de force" be less of a stretch for this movie's marketers?) on Youtube.  In an internet age when teenagers can easily access material a hell of a lot more sexified than this bowl full of shite, exactly who is the target audience for this?  I mean, why would anyone pay to see this, no matter how young or stupid you are?  Whose the bigger threat to the Darwinian survival of Western civilization, al-Qaeda or the producers of this travesty of youth entertainment?  Neither.  It's the strap-ons willing to pay money to watch it.  Fired Up proves Sweet Pickles' old adage true... "People are DUMB, y'all."

I'm all for safe sex, but what about national morale?

The Indian Council of Medical Research needs to keep its survey results on the down-low.  Unless you're mounting a concerted effort to discourage sex tourism in your country, why would you want to broadcast this news?  However, this does give me an idea for campaign strategy during Sweet Pickles' 2012 run for the White House.  How about a press release that says something like "Candidate Pickles rejects world manufacturers' tiny condoms as inadequate for Americans, calls on domestic producers to increase sizes."  You know it would get votes!

More Facebook quizzes from the illiterate...

Results from another personality quiz I recently saw on Facebook:

Edge. You adore the daring, exciting side of life. Not save, you risc. Enjoy the harsh aspects of life. always pushing limits. You love Dark, Heavy extremes. Yet you always find a contrast. somewhere beneath these though shells. Youre may stumble upon delicate feelings. .

It reads like one of my ESL students wrote it.  A not-so-bright ESL student.

Luxury?

The only thing that confuses me about this article is, who ever thought of Abercrombie & Fitch as a 'premium brand' in the first place?  I'm sorry... any retail clothier with a store in Tupelo cannot be described as "clinging to luxury" (implying that there was ever any original luxury to cling to).  It's Abercrombie & Fitch, not Bvlgari!  Reminder:  People are dumb, y'all.

Sweet Pickles, however, IS cool enough to be a Mac person.

This is most definitely not the way to win Sweet Pickles over to PCs.  I haven't watched the actual commercial where 'Lauren' (who ends up buying a computer in a Best Buy store) says "I'm just not cool enough to be a Mac person."  But this kind of reverse psychology (or whatever it is that Microsoft is trying here) seems short-sighted, counter-productive, and doomed-to-fail, as far as marketing strategies go.  Amanda Woodward at D&D would never design an ad campaign around a pitch that basically says "Don't buy what rich people and cool people are buying!"  Since when has such a 'join-the-losers' approach ever worked with American consumers?  When you're in the market for a new car (for example), I suppose you could save a lot of money and get a Dodge Caravan instead of an Audi TT.  But I don't know that I'd be bragging about it.  Maybe some people might admire your fiscal prudence, but still, you're driving a Dodge Caravan.

You know what I hate?

Dumb people.  They're even worse than unattractive people and poor people.

I just noticed the page of this 'volunteer organization' on Facebook.  My favorite quote was this:  "Keep on clicking and with each click you force a private sponsor feed a child a meal! How easy is that!"

Oh really?  It's that easy, huh?  I only wish the world had had the power of magical clicking back in the mid-1980s... I'd have really loved to help Ethiopia's children, but my Sony Walkman didn't have a clicking function.  And does the creator of this Facebook page mean to suggest that we live in a society where we can simply force private parties to do what we think they should be doing?  If so, I'd like to force him or her to attend the ass-kicking I'm planning on his or her behalf.

The creator puts the annual number of children who die of starvation at 6.5 million, and this Facebook group of do-gooders currently has over 1.5 million members.  By my math, the global hunger crisis should have been solved already, if each member had accomplished just 4.33 clicks.  Get busy, you lazy bitches!  There are children starving in Biafra while you complete another personality quiz to determine which character from The Hills you're most like.  Let's stay focused here, people. 

Before I pull an all-nighter of philanthropic clicking (just give me 24 hours and a box of Franzia, and I'll take care of it myself, since our registered legions of clickers-who-care cannot be bothered to follow though on their noble intentions), I'd like some more specifics, please.  For example, what constitutes a "meal" exactly?  What kind of food will my coercive clicking deliver?  And what child will be the lucky recipient of my digital benefaction?  I mean, how do I know that Meals-on-Wheels won't mistakenly deliver my order of Fruit Roll-Ups to Rocco Ritchie?  Or what if Meals-on-Wheels drops off a dozen bags of pork rinds on the doorstep of some Islamic orphanage in the Sudan?

I realize that I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but in case anyone beyond Sweet Pickles' inner circle might stumble upon this post, let me say this in response to such inane efforts at charity: 

Instead of feeding a child with a click, try feeding a child with a check.  Or better yet, get the hell off Facebook and off your ass, and actually do something more meaningful than anonymous clicking if the problem (whatever it may be) bothers you that much.

Honestly, I suspect that the founders of this kind of site are probably sociopathic computer geeks who have a lot of free time on their hands and get off on using their technological skills to see just how gullible the general public actually is.  So that the computer geeks can get back to their Dungeons and Dragons, let me save them the time with this important announcement:  People are DUMB. 

Now, move on.

Oh, I almost forgot...

Last Friday, I was out drinking in town with T-War and M-Chev.  While we were standing out on the curb for a cigarette, the campus-to-town shuttle bus would stop nearby every few minutes and disgorge hordes of identical co-eds ready for a night out on the village.  Every one of them was dressed for Kanye West's after-party on Oscars night.  Except, it was Friday night in the middle of nowhere.  I realize that when you're in college, Mom's not there to warn you when you look like Paris Hilton, but what I don't understand is what goes through the minds of these students when they're purchasing these clothes?  I mean, when you're about to put a $500 charge on your credit-card, are you actually saying to yourself, "This will be perfect for beerpong this weekend."  Whatever the rationale, if you're a twenty-year-old who wants to get all glammed up in Versace for a night of Bud Light in a rural county seat, then don't be arriving on the city bus.  Either A.) put on some jeans, or B.) have the class to arrive in one of your girls' Acuras.  What really heightens the disconnect between their fantasy and reality are the guys they're meeting up with when they stumble off the low-rent public transportation in stilettos.  It's either the poor man's Greg Marmalard, or that douchebag with the popped collar, Live Strong wristband, and visor cap cocked to one side. 

OMG WTF

Behind the scenes here at SweetPickles.typepad.com, it looks like two of today's readers got here from CNN.com, which is kinda freaking me out.  If you'll click here, it should take you to their story about the Arab League's support for the leader of Sudan, and if you scroll down toward the bottom, there's a section title "From the Blogs."  SweetPickles.typepad.com was showing up there!  How the hell did that happen?  This ain't that kind of blog.  I mean, yeah, people get misdirected here all the time, but it's the kind of people who were searching for info on Jaclyn Smith, pictures of macaroons, or where to get their slutwear.  Not people wanting to learn more about Darfur! 

Note to any smart people who end up here by mistake:  This definitely isn't the blog your looking for.  Sorry for the chain-yank!

Life in this bitch!

So... I got this wild-hair, late-night craving for some ice cream, which is extremely rare (yes, I'm pregnant).  So I throw on some sweats and shoes, grab my keys, and pop on over to the Kroger.  As I'm pulling into the parking lot, I notice a lot of cars, and start wondering, "Who the feck is at the grocery store at 10:00pm on a Monday night?"  I mean, statistically, there can't be two dozen people in a town of 12,000 who are all craving dairy products at the same time, right?  I gotta park way out in BFE (like I do during daylight hours anytime I go to this over-priced, no-selection-having sumbitch), and am ranting under my breath ("If I had a can of gasoline with me, I'd torch this whole mutha," "I oughta key the paint job of every damn one of these cars between here and the front door," etc.) as I hike up to the entrance of the building.  Which is locked. 

Normally, this is when my anger issues would fly out of control (i.e., something would end up getting broke).  However, all I can think of is "What the hell are all those cars doing in that parking lot???"  Then a dawning realization creeps up on me slowly, and I scurry back to my truck all low-to-the-ground (and sexy like a panther).  Considering where I live, either one of two possible things must've been going on inside the closed grocery store at 10:00pm on a Monday night:  1.) the local Klan chapter was meeting in there, or 2.) Ned Beatty was getting raped in there and Burt Reynolds was being forced to watch.  Nah, seriously, folks... I kid.  Kinda.  If I lived anywhere else of similar size (e.g., Broomall, PA, or Centerville, UT, or New Ulm, MN), Kroger would be closed at 10:00pm, but the parking lot would be empty, and thus clue me in before I made it all the way to the front door. 

So, I hightailed it over to the Wal-Mart on the other side of town.  Have you ever wondered what the late-night clientele of a Wal-Mart was like?  Let Sweet Pickles tell ya, it's "Dysfunction Junction."  The crowd was even less fortunate than the daytime patrons.  I don't know, maybe it was "Sociological Case Studies Appreciation Night" at the Wal-Mart.  It was enough to make me think returning to the shuttered Kroger for ice cream might be the safer option. 

I did find some ice cream that was labeled "no sugar added" and "reduced fat," so I was all "Score!"  But after I got home, I read the nutrition info on the back, and it's still 130 calories per serving (1/2 cup)!  Good god.  Then what is the calorie count for regular ice cream?  Sheesh.

Sick Sad World

Almost every day, a quick glance at CNN's news website makes me wonder if we all shouldn't just kill ourselves.  The "Latest News" section lists updated links to more than a dozen current stories from around the nation and world.  Just the titles are enough to depress.  Usually, I can't even guesstimate the death toll represented by the handful of headlines.  I never click on the more heinous titles, but just seeing them is enough to ruin my day.

I don't want to seem callous, but how much do I really need to know about the man who decapitated his 5-year-old sister in front of police, or the father accused of decades-long incestual rape?  I mean, what is the journalistic value in this?  In what way is this supposed to benefit readers?  Perhaps if I lived in the town where these horrific crimes were perpetrated, I might have some reasonable interest if I knew the parties involved or affected.  But otherwise, the coverage of these kinds of stories strikes me as second only to the outrageous crimes themselves in terms of how sick and destructive humans can be.  What the hell kind of perverse readership is this kind of 'reporting' aimed at?  Nancy Grace fans?

Now I'm going to go think pleasant thoughts about the Sleepy Time Tea bear, to clear my mind of decapitation and rape.

What's the prob?

Despite the increasing uproar over Madonna's impending adoption of another orphan from Malawi, I have yet to figure out what has got people so up-in-arms about this?  I'm asking sincerely, what angle am I failing to consider here?  Have I missed some part of the story?  Allegations of abuse or neglect?  As far as I can tell, the only person who might have a reasonable gripe is Dingiswayo Banda.  One day, if I got reunited with my older half-brother (the one adopted by the world's most successful female recording artist of all time with an estimated net worth was $490 million and whisked away to homes in Manhattan, Los Angeles, and London), I'd be "Aw, hell nah!" 

Just go to Bebe!

In these tough economic times, what do the people need most?  Jobs?  Affordable healthcare?  Tax cuts?  Stimulus checks?

If recent search-engine traffic to this blog is any indication, it's slutwear.  Slutwear is outperforming Jaclyn Smith and pictures of macaroons! 

To all the Google-searchers for "where to find slutwear" or "where to buy slutwear," my question is:  "Don't they have a Bebe at your local mall?"  You should check it out... it's one-stop shopping for all your slutwear needs. 

DirecTV needs to offer some kind of cafeteria plan!

This past week, I called DirecTV to explore options for how I might bring down my monthly cable bill (approx. $70) during this Suave-and-tunafish-salad economy.  What I learned was pretty infuriating.  I've got 3 boxes (living room, my bedroom, and one of the guest bedrooms), but disconnecting one only lowers my bill by five bucks each.  So, I asked about channels and packages, considering that I only watch less than 22 channels on a semi-regular basis.  Apparently you can't get BBC America except as part of some ridiculous package.  I also love how every package is loaded up with religious channels and shopping channels.  I asked the dude on the phone if the packages-in-question included any Jewish religious programming or home-shopping channels where you could buy stuff from H&M, but I think you already know the answer.  In my current cable television package, I have access to a lot more channels than that, but I've only got 22 saved in my "favorite channels" that I ever even browse through, and most of those are nothing to write home about:

CBS - I don't even know what's on network programming anymore.  Sometimes if I get bored waiting for The News Hour to come on PBS, I'll see what's happening on the nightly news on the networks. 
NBC - Ditto.
PBS, Memphis - I do watch a bit of PBS on a pretty regular basis (Washington Week, Nature, Now, Bill Moyers Journal, etc.).  But whatever happened to the great line-up of British sitcoms that PBS used to do?  It seems like that has disappeared so slowly that I hardly noticed.  Regardless, isn't this one free anyway?
FOX - Better than the other major broadcast networks.  I like MAD TV and all of their animated stuff, but that's about it. 
PBS, Jackson - Basically duplicates the function of PBS, Memphis, but all the annoyingly folksy BS programming is about our less interesting state.
ABC - See CBS and NBC.
CNN - This one appears to be all Anderson Cooper, all the time.
Headline News - Far worse, this one appears to be all Nancy Grace, all the time. 
E! - I think Chelsea Lately might be the only thing I'm getting off this one. 
Comedy Central - Probably the one I watch the most (Futurama, South Park, The Sarah Silverman Program, and sometimes The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Reno 911!).
BBC America - Whatever happened to all the great shows they used to do?  I still watch their news, and How Clean Is Your House, but the rest is a faint echo of the channel's former glory. 
History Channel - Pretty dependable. 
Bravo - I totally got in to Millionaire Matchmaker, My Life on the D-List, Project Runway, Tabatha's Salon Takeover, and The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but nowadays, it seems like I'm mostly watching reruns of Kathy Griffin's standup comedy.  Still, it would be in my Top 5 choices if I could get a cafeteria plan with DirecTV. 
National Geographic - I like Dog Whisperer, but there seems to be way too much programming about life in prison. 
Nickelodeon - Strictly for Spongebob Squarepants.  Everything else on there (i.e., tween programming) makes my ass hurt. 
MTV -  Either I'm too old, or MTV completely sucks now (possibly both).  If they're having to do Real World: Brooklyn, it's over.  Here's what it has come to: True Life, Room Raiders, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, My Super Sweet Sixteen, Parental Control, and absolutely nothing musically-related whatsoever.  But I still keep it on my "favorite channels," hoping Martha Quinn will stage a comeback.
MTV2 - Why do I need a second channel for this shite?
VH1 - I think I might actually hate their programming even more than MTV's.  Rock of Love Bus?
C-SPAN - Their specialty programming has only gotten better over the years, but I can't live on a diet that's 50% congressional hearings.
C-SPAN 2 - Ditto.
MSNBC - Dateline and Meet the Press are good, but like once a week.
The Weather Channel - Honestly, I have this one in my "favorite channels" because I like to look at maps.  But I can't do that for more than a few minutes at a time.  Plus, I own an atlas, so...

The question I'm having to ask myself is, Is this worth $70 per month?  I don't really want to lead one of those no-television alternative lifestyles, but this is feeling exploitative.  The bigger question:  In an age where technology has revolutionized our access to entertainment media, why hasn't any of that effected television?  When I want to download Hilary Duff's Reach Out from iTunes, I'm not also required to purchase the Spice Girls' Wannabe (I'm looking at you, K-Fiel).  When I want to go see Slumdog Millionaire at the movies, I don't have to buy a ticket for He's Just Not That Into You as well.  How has this racket been perpetrated so long?

What do y'all do?  Any suggestions/recommendations?  Or willingness to organize a boycott or a revolution?

Darwinian Vacations

Who da f*ck vacations in Yemen???

What's the big effin' deal with Phish?

This recent online article from the New York Times reminded me how I still don't really know who Phish is.  I mean, I've heard of Phish before, and vaguely understand that the band inspires some kind of cult following.  But reading the story, I kept thinking to myself, "Do I even know a single song by Phish?"  Short answer: no.  In the spirit of gettin' my learn on, I found Phish on iTunes, and listened to all of each of the clips from their Top 7 most-downloaded songs.  I was aiming to do their Top 10, but fell asleep.  It's not that they suck.  But I cannot figure out what has got all these devotees so horned up.  I wouldn't even know how to describe something so non-descript, so I can't tell you much about what little I did hear.  I can, however, tell you what I did not hear:

a drum machine
a synthesizer
any whistles or hand-claps

In short, I heard nothing that would make me willing to spill my drink in order to get onto the dancefloor pronto.  And, as you know, that's a deal-breaker for Sweet Pickles.  So, it's not for everybody... fair enough.  No big deal.  There's a lot of stuff I don't listen to. 

But I'm still mystified as to whom is being set on fire by this?  MY QUESTION - I wanna know, who is the demographic for Phish?  The only thing I can tell with any certainty is that Phish will probably be featured on "Stuff White People Like" (if they haven't already been).  Beyond that, I can't go more specific.  Is this a college thing, à la Dave Matthews Band?  A hippy thing, à la The Grateful Dead?  A soccer mom thing, à la Andrea Bocelli?   A redneck thing, à la Jimmy Buffett?  Somebody please fill me in!

Open Letter to the IOC

Dear Pollyanna International Olympic Committee,

    I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and call your past decision to award the 2008 Olympic games to Beijing "childishly hopeful" (rather than "criminally negligent").  Although given no reason whatsoever to be optimistic, you gave up unconditionally the one carrot that the international community could have possibly wielded to ameliorate some of the worst excesses still being perpetrated by the Chinese government against the people of China.  Well, now the Games are over, and it will probably be at least another quarter of a century before another Chinese city can reasonably be expected to bid for another Olympiad.  Which translates into another generation of Chinese that will have to endure secret prisons and martial law. 

    On behalf of totalitarian regimes everywhere, thank you.  Dictatorship couldn't be maintained for so long without your help. 

Sweet Pickles

Enough with the tar tips already.

I'm seeing it everywhere now, but it's just not a program I can get down with.  Black nail polish never looks good to me.  I appreciate attempts to branch out from the little girl pinks and whore reds options traditionally available.  And I understand its appeal for those who think outside the box.  But it just doesn't work.  It looks like you just changed the oil in someone's car.  And when celebrities and Tri-Delts are wearing it too, it has lost its alternative appeal. 

New Goal

On Facebook, my new objective is eventually to have more pending friend-requests (from people whose requests I will never accept) than I have friends.  It'll take a while.  Right now, things stand at a ratio of 38 to 314.  And those 38 pending friend-requests are an ensemble case comparable to The Poseidon Adventure, but for C-Listers. 

Teacher of the Year Award: Ineligible Nominees? Those who teach the most.

It's that time of year again.  Time to encourage our faculty to delude themselves.  And time to make Sweet Pickles' blood boil.

Annually, the university where I teach goes through the pretense of caring about "excellence in the classroom" by calling for nominations to receive the Outstanding Teacher Award.  Sounds worthwhile enough, except here's the catch:

"All assistant, associate, and full professors are eligible."

Oh, really?!?!?

Don't ask students to "help bring recognition to an outstanding teacher who has inspired you," and then cut in half their choices.  If a university really wants to honor excellence in the classroom, how can it limit the potential recipients of such an award to the tenured or tenure-track professors?  Maybe (if an institution is lucky) about half the courses offered by any given academic department are taught by a department's full-, associate- and assistant-professors.  The other half are taught by adjunct instructors and lecturers, graduate instructors, visiting professors, and sabbatical replacements.  As if these poor suckers aren't exploited enough, why add insult to injury? 

As a full-time instructor who has taught for-credit coursework in two different departments on our campus, let me share my insider's perspective and let you in on a little secret.  Sometimes, it's actually the worst teaching that happens in the classrooms of professors.  All too often, the protection of tenure can become a license to suck.  Unfortunately, the tenure track can actually hinder a teacher's ability to excel behind the lectern.  Reward their research, support their active engagement with their intellectual fields, appreciate their departmental and institutional service, but do not encourage them to think of themselves as the University's 'Outstanding Teacher of the Year' after arbitrarily disqualifying half the school's instructional faculty from the competition.  What kind of self-esteem-building BS is that?  Let's just give every teacher an award (à la kindergarten), because "everyone's a winner!"

I recognize how woefully our society undervalues what it takes to achieve a terminal degree and land a tenurable position.  But the just rewards are not to be found in a sheltered competition that deludes the professoriate and fails to acknowledge the reality in our lecture halls.  It's like designating an MVP in football, but only allowing the quarterback to be considered.  Fine, but don't call him "most valuable player"... call him "the best quarterback on our team." 

To my friends who are full-, associate- or assistant-professors:  I hope that you already know how much I admire and respect your teaching.  You wouldn't even know about this blog to be reading this if I didn't.  Because Sweet Pickles ain't friends with no sucky teachers, yo!  So, obviously, I'm not talking about you!  But you and I both know the tenured (and sometimes even tenure-track) members of your departments that I am talking about.  And when one of them who can't teach his or her way out of a wet paper bag gets this year's 'Outstanding Teacher Award', I hope that you'll remember all of your friends who are adjunct instructors and lecturers, graduate instructors, visiting professors, and sabbatical replacements, that can teach circles around strap-ons like that but weren't even allowed to be considered, and join us in our outrage and disgust. 

Spinster Blames 'Lazy Professors'

In the bad joke that passes for a student newspaper on our campus (on any other campus, it would be used by the English and Journalism departments as a textbook for how not to write), today's installment included one gem of a letter-to-the-editor that actually managed to shock me:

To the Editor:

    [A student writer]'s article on test banks sounds just a bit whiny to me.  She is upset because she says that she did not have the same advantages as some athletes and Greeks.  Being an athlete or Greek is a personal choice, and belonging has many advantages, the least of which are test banks.  Miss [student's surname] proposes a "universal test bank."  Let's correct that; Miss [student's surname] wants a university test bank, not a "universal test bank." 
    Also, the university is not "enabling students to have an unfair advantage" as Miss [student's surname] suggests.  The unfair advantage is not given by the university, or even by the students that take the time to collect, sort and store these tests.  The advantage instead is given by the lazy professors, faculty and teaching staff that semester after semester, year after year, give out the same tests, exams and projects that they have had on for years or even decades. 
    So maybe Miss [student's surname] didn't ace every test.  Boo hoo!  Join a sorority, date a frat boy or just study more.  But don't blame the athletes, the Greek system or the university -- blame those lazy test makers.  Test banks would be useless without faculty and teaching staff that were too lazy to make out new tests.

    Miss [old-lady first name] [pretentious middle initial] [oddly-spelled surname]
    House mother, [a fraternity that has been suspended in recent memory]

I don't even know where I should begin with this, but I'm going to start with 'Miss.'  Before writing in to a newspaper, has this Victorian house mother ever actually read one?  Because I imagine she'd have to go back to some archived volumes of society pages from the Eisenhower era to find anybody addressing a college student by the title 'Miss.'  Better yet, what grown woman in 2009 would refer to herself with such a title?  I won't even go into my issues with using any honorific titles to reference yourself (bad form).  Is her signature some kind of advertisement promoting her own virginity?  I don't get it.  Considering the sentiments expressed in her letter-to-the-editor, I can only assume she's embracing her own spinsterhood.  If that's the case, leave the poor student writer out of your trip down Memory Lane, and sign off as "Not Getting Any."  Normally, I regard 'Miss' as a quaint archaism that has its place (e.g., engraved wedding announcements), and usually it doesn't bother me at all.  I also recognize that its use is generational.  I think of all the sweet grandmothers out there still signing their checks as "Mrs. Edwin G. Miller, Jr." or  "Mrs. Donald W. Anderson," even though they've been widows for decades.  That's their prerogative.  Hey, I'll call you whatever you want to be called (to your face).  But in this day in age, who would presume to address a college-educated female who isn't a personal acquaintance as 'Miss'?  Maybe this was the house grandmother's attempt at politeness?  Well, it comes across as condescending.  And out-of-touch.   Normally, I'm not the first to cry "Sexism!", but did Granny actually describe a complaint from a female student as "whiny," and then proceed to respond with "boo hoo" and "date a frat boy"? 

Part II of the Rant -- Did I read this correctly?  Did it seem to you that our Vestal house grandmother was, at least obliquely, condoning a certain form of academic dishonesty on the part of students?  Her 'argument' struck me as akin to ignoring crime because some police might be too lazy to prevent it from occurring in the first place.  I've worked with the kind of professor that Mademoiselle Can't-Get-Laid describes, and don't condone that kind of negligent testing.  But does the one mistake justify the other?  And what kind of idiot wants to be the public advocate for cheating?  Miss Priss would have made one hell of a defense attorney, although I suspect the masculine domain of law school might be too mannish for her delicate sensibilities. 

Part III of the Rant -- What kind of message is she conveying to the students in her care?  I'd advise her young charges that, in addition to being better for you in the long run, learning the material yourself (completing reading assignments, attending lectures, etc.) is no more labor-intensive than cataloging an archive of old exams to use in cramming sessions.  If you would spend your energies doing what is asked of you instead of diverting your efforts toward trying to outwit the professor, you would achieve much more. 

Part IV of the Rant -- "Being an athlete or a Greek is a personal choice."  Oh, really?  Is it now?  All you have to do is exercise your own freedom of choice, huh?  I wish I would have known that when I was an incoming freshman, so that all 120 pounds of my 5' 8" self would have chosen to become a linebacker for the Longhorns.  I guess the reason we don't have more female pitchers out there on our school's baseball diamond is because the female part of the student body just doesn't have any ambition.  And I wish more of the handicapped would get their lazy asses out of their wheelchairs and onto our basketball court.  Slackers!  As for joining a fraternity or sorority, isn't admission a committee decision made by the fraternity's or sorority's members?  And aren't membership dues pretty expensive?  Or is it that the non-WASPs that go to school here are just shiftless? 

Sweet Pickles might just need to write his own letter-to-the-editor.  It might go something like this:

    Dear Miss Self-Hating Female:

    Thanks for mentioning by name the fraternity house that you 'mother'.  As a member of the instructional faculty at this university, I will make it a priority to acquire a complete listing of that fraternity's membership every academic year, so that if any members should enroll in my courses, I'll make sure that they receive the attention they deserve.  Should you ever have the misfortune of meeting me personally, have your smelling salts at hand because what I have to say to you is not fit to print and will most definitely give you the vapors.  If my goddaughter comes to school here in future, and you try that shit you pulled on Ms. [student writer's surname] with her, I will beat you unconscious with whatever Jane Austen novel you crawled out of.  And if you cry about it, I'm going to tell you "Boo hoo.  Where's the frat boy you're dating?"  Kicking your ass will be my personal choice.  Consider yourself forewarned. 

    Signed:  Lazy Instructor

Riyadh needs a Banana Republic

So, I can't sleep (sinus issues), and am flipping through channels on the television.  I come across on old episode of Saturday Night Live (or what appears to be) with Father Guido Sarducci.  I had forgotten about him.  So, I watched for a few seconds before realizing the channel was MSNBC, and they were showing a clip from a recent interview of Prince Alwaleed bin Talal about his ties to Citigroup.  Uh, if I had as much money as the House of Saud, I'd be going for a look other than an SNL character from the 1970s.  I realize they probably don't have many image consultants in the KSA, but come on!

This is what Facebook is like for popular people...

Here's the transcript of an instant-messaging session I had on Facebook earlier with one of my oldest BFFs (we played soccer together the summer before 5th grade).  It might be difficult to follow because we were typing simultaneously and sometimes overlap in our responses.  Names have been redacted out, in order to protect the catty (Sweet Pickles and J-Ev) as well as the unpopular.  In it, you'll find: some useful tips, some great one-liners, and the all-time greatest mental image of Sweet Pickles EVER (you'll never be able to get it out of your head)!

J-Ev:  “SP--did i tell you that I vanquished K----- B------ from my friend list?"
Sweet Pickles:  “no. why? I need to vanquish about 50 losers from high school from mine.  Have you been getting zillions of friend requests from high school 'tards lately?”
J-Ev:  “yes I have. what's up with that?
Sweet Pickles:  “i don't know, but i've about had it. i officially hate our high school.  R—B--------??  REALLY???  I can't recall a single conversation with R—B--------.  And E--- R------ just sent me his SECOND request.”
J-Ev:  “Next it will be B----- S---------.”
Sweet Pickles:  “Guess E--- can't pick up on subtle hints, huh? At least B---- S--------- is someone i once knew well.”
J-Ev:  “i am sick of hearing about what A----- B---- Z---- is doing...”
Sweet Pickles:  “which is why i didn't accept her friend request.  her request to you seems even more baffling then hers to me.  were y'all ever tight?”
J-Ev:  “yes, i know.  J------- S----? I didn't like her.  And I really don't like J---- H-----...why is she my friend??”
Sweet Pickles:  “EXACTLY... hers was another i ignored. i actually actively dislike her still (although not to her face).  ditto here on J----  (who is pissed that I defriended her).”
J-Ev:  “why did you defriend her?  i mean, besides the obvious reason--her personality.”
Sweet Pickles:  “before things got out of hand, i tried to go through and unfriend people i should never have accepted in the first place. she's the only one who noticed, resent a request, then complained to B---- about it”
J-Ev:  “how funny. who else have you kicked out?”
Sweet Pickles:  “i can't remember who else i kicked off (because i hardly knew most of them), but i've ignored S-------- P--- too.  i mean, i liked S-------- P--- fine, but didn't even know if she was still alive really... so why would she need to know what's going on with me every day?”
J-Ev:  “thank you.  I think I need to be more selective with the friends”
Sweet Pickles:  “i did accept C---- M-----, obviously, as I really wanted to see his page. but he'll get the boot soon too probably.  some people i get requests from, i think of writing back to them "How dare you?"
J-Ev:  “B--- A----- keeps showing up in the "people you might know" section, but I am not going to make a friend request to him because of his dorkiness. Yea, C---- M----- is boring. How dare you!!! That's funny”
Sweet Pickles:  “oh, the best one yet!! R------ T------!!! What the????”
J-Ev:  “and C-------- R------“
Sweet Pickles:  “yeah, i thought you'd like "how dare you."  do NOT tell me C-------- R------ tried to friend you!”
J-Ev:  “yes, and I accepted it because I thought I had to.”
Sweet Pickles:  “sheesh!!!!”
J-Ev:  “Now I see that I don't...”
Sweet Pickles:  “here's a new tip i learned... don't click "ignore" button, just let them sit in your box forever, and that way, they can't resend!!”
J-Ev:  “Who is V------- H-----, anyway? I see her on several people's pages.”
Sweet Pickles:  “i got that one too (didn't accept). at first i couldnt figure it out, then.....  it dawned on me....  "Is this V---- A----????"  How dare she!”
J-Ev:  “How dare she indeed.  who is S----- W----- S----?”
Sweet Pickles:  “i have thought of changing my profile's name to "Sweet Pickles (not the popular guy from your high school, a different one who you don't know)"    that name vaguely rang a bell when she tried me, but i couldnt solve that one.    or how about this idea for a future response to requests....”
J-Ev:  “good lord everybody wants a piece of the pickle...”
Sweet Pickles:  “Technology certainly makes it easier to approach the throne, doesn't it?"
J-Ev:  “Yes. I do love that one, but "how dare she" is more to the point and reminds me of you with a black glove slapping someone's face.”
Sweet Pickles:  “ooooh, then i'll definitely stick with that one”

After reading this article...

in the New York Times, all I can think is...

After all is said and done, and the 'miracle of life' is finally accomplished, who is gonna empty out that little inflatable pool they got set up in their living room?  I mean... ewww.  I'm just sayin'.  I can hear Mama Pickles... "Not on my carpet!"

I like to buy clothes too, but that doesn't make me Tom Ford.

In a recent episode of my latest guilty pleasure, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, one of the 'housewives' decided to launch her own fashion line.  According to the recap on People TV Watch:

"Self-proclaimed fashionista Sheree finally finds time to work on her clothing line. The plan is to design “sexy, beautiful, classy, elegant clothes for the masses,” and she’s hired a sketch artist, a publicist, a marketing coordinator, and a teenaged assistant (who apparently replaced the incompetent Evette Holyfield from the season opener), to help her achieve this goal. Since she has no experience actually constructing dresses, Sheree also hires a local business to sew the designs based on the sketches. Honestly, it’s unclear how Sheree actually contributed to the clothing line other than financing it."

Two things here...

1.  I love it when people describe their own style as both "sexy" and "elegant."  What, you're going for some kind of Audrey Monroe or Marilyn Hepburn look?  In my experience, these two are usually mutually-exclusive.  What I think the speaker is really trying to say is "I want guys to be able to check out my rack without uptight bitches calling me a slut."  Similarly, do you ever find that "classy" and "for the masses" can be blended successfully?  So, this one would be a kind of Diana Conner or Roseanne Princess of Wales look, I guess.  Don't you think that "I hope that poor people will by my stuff at JCPenney so that I myself can afford to shop somewhere richer" is what the speaker is really trying to say?  If Sweet Pickles were to design his own line (possibly called So Picky), it would be both "sexy" and "classy" (read: slutty, and not-for-poor-people). 

2.  The bigger issue, of which this instance is only one recent symptom, is this recurring trend in which pop-culture celebrities (i.e., famous without talent) mistakenly assume that their inane hobbies would easily translate into something more ambitious.  You know the syndrome...

    "Well, I have always loved shopping for clothes, so I figured the next logical step was to become a fashion designer."

or...

    "I have always had a passion for picking out wallpaper and rearranging the furniture, so it just seemed natural to become an interior designer."

Why is it that, for most of these jackasses, the second part of their dawning realizations are never "so I thought I should get serious about studying in this field, possibly at the graduate level if I really want to become an expert one day"?  Man, people are dumb! 

My goddaughter loves to draw and color.  This makes her neither a painter nor a graphic designer.  She doesn't need to be represented by any art galleries in SoHo. (At least not yet.)

There are a lot of things that Sweet Pickles himself likes to do.  However, none of them make him a model, a vintner, a pharmacist, or a gigolo.  Euhhhhh!

Several birds with one stone (because I'm a multi-tasker like that)

Okay, firsta all... I'm sitting out on my back porch with my laptop and a Diet Coke, trying to enjoy the mild weather while it lasts.  But I think somebody's dog must've gotten underneath my porch and crapped.  Ima hafta go get the Lysol, 'cause it is RANK out here.  And I don't know how to make it go away. 

Seconda all... you know what else is gross?  Bud Light.  And even grosser?  Miller Light.  But not Coors Light, which is delicious (and kosher!).  You don't wanna use nice beer to make beery marys, but damn.  I'm just sayin'.

Thirda all... a new cleaning service came to refreshen Casa de Pickles.  I don't wanna get too excited yet, because I know they usually try to impress on the first visit so that you'll keep coming back for more, but this might be the best cleaning I've had since the mythical Sue retired from cleaning.  Now that Casa de Pickles is looking all rich again, I'm ready to have some heavy drinkers over to trash the place.

Fourtha all... what the hell is the deal with my image of macaroons?  Over the past couple of months I've detected a trend (not overwhelming but constant) by which much of the traffic visiting Sweet Pickles' blog are google image searches for macaroons.  And it's always an image search.  From different countries all over the world.  Why???  I mean, I know why I needed the image.  But how many people need pictures of macaroons?  Not information about macaroons.  Not recipes for macaroons.  Just pictures of them.  And when we're nowhere near Passover even.  Are office workers in Ireland or Brazil sitting in their cubicles, thinking "Damn, I sure would like to look at some macaroons right now!"  Are teenagers in Taiwan or the Ukraine going "What da f*ck is a macaroon?  Man, I gots ta see dis, son!"

So, if you're visiting this site accidentally on your quest for macaroon-related imagery, please drop Sweet Pickles a comment and let me know why you were interested in pictures of macaroons.  I am dying to figure this out.  Unless it's some kind of weird sexual fetish, then I don't wanna know.  I'm considering starting a new recurring feature on SweetPickles.typepad.com (something like "Macaroon Pics of the Week") to increase my traffic.  And, recalling how the world couldn't get enough of that Jaclyn Smith picture either, maybe I could generate a LOT of internet buzz with a feature about Jaclyn Smith eating macaroons. I'd be shutting down servers from Bangkok to Buenos Aires!

Fiftha all... I can't decide whether or not I'm excited about Israel's new acting prime minister, Tzipi Livni.  I mean, I like her, but I just don't wanna get my hopes up about what she might be able to accomplish.  Either way, I'm jealous that she couldn't have been McCain's running mate.

WTF is 'artisan bread'???

I just saw a Quizno's commercial that referred to 'artisan bread'.  Is this like bread that has completed an apprenticeship under a stonecutter?  What the hell is the point of that??  Sweet Pickles doesn't need his bread to restore the original sculptural details on the facade of Notre Dame.  What he could use is some bread that is low-carb.  And tastes like Dr. Pepper.  And has the same effect as xtc.  Now that would make me eat at Quizno's more often. 

Sweet Pickles' Top 3 Favorite Republican Women Qualified to be Vice-President

I have been hoping against hope that John McCain would chose a woman as his running mate.  Was it Saint Theresa of Avila who wisely said that more tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones?  I'm not sure if it was Theresa or not, but I do know that it was Sweet Pickles who asked this question when L-Ant informed him of the news that broke today:  "Who da f*ck is Sandra Poland?!?!"

What, the Republican ticket wasn't already going to win all of Alaska's 1.25 electoral votes?  Am I missing something here?

I think I've finally figured out what's wrong with the McCain campaign.  I now believe that Senator McCain stopped wanting to become president a few weeks after securing the Republican Party's nomination, but by then, it was too late to pull back.  So, the only way out now is to try to lose the election in order to avoid the White House.  Next week, I expect he'll be caught trying to sneak an eight-ball of cocaine through airport security at Reagan International.  And a few days after that, accusations of sexual misconduct with an underage boy will begin to emerge.  Followed by revelations that he recently sold enriched uranium to Iran, pocketed the money for himself, and used it to pay for the abortions of multiple prostitutes he'd gotten pregnant.

Still hating the Beijing Olympics

China's original intention in seeking to host the 2008 Olympic Games was to enhance its image, so that China could finally get the respect it deserves.  Uh, not working.  The officially-sanctioned cheer for Team China makes the upcoming Beijing Olympics seem even more ridiculous (if that's still possible).  Thanks again, IOC!  Dumbasses.

Why on earth...

am I hearing so much about Loni Anderson's wedding lately??  What has Loni, or her new husband (who looks like a junior high school band director), done recently that would make her nuptials ET-worthy?

P.S. - I was going to include a pic of the underemployed-but-happy couple in this post, but the new and improved (?) interface for composing in TypePad won't let me.  So, until TypePad gets it's act together, my posts may be light on the illustrations.

Addendum - photo added 22-May

Mama Pickles' Verdict: Weird-Looking

This weekend, the Pickle Parents were in town for a visit. While watching television with Mama Pickles (either Keeping Up with the Kardashians on E! or Work Out on Bravo), we see a commercial for Denise Richards upcoming reality show.

Sweet Pickles: "She is so beautiful that it freaks me out."
Mama Pickles: "Who?"
Sweet Pickles: "Her... Denise Richards."
Mama Pickles: "Ewww. No"
Sweet Pickles: "I'm sorry, WHA??"
Mama Pickles: "I don't like the way she looks."
Sweet Pickles: "You mean you don't like people who look crazy smoking hot?"
Mama Pickles: "She doesn't. She's just weird-looking."

I understand that tastes differ, even more so between males and females. But I assumed this one was a universal given. I think the world would be a much better place if more people were this 'weird-looking'...

I love meta-searches!

Here's a recent google search that led somebody to sweetpickles.typepad.com. This is the first of its kind. Mostly, people around the world (Canada, Germany, Ireland, Israel) are still looking for Amy Winehouse's goddaughter. Or glittery graphics for their own goddaughters. They appear to be completely over Jaclyn Smith.

One day last week...

I called the Time & Temperature phone number when I woke up, to guesstimate how warmly I should dress for the day. Normally, the recorded voice says "High around: 75. Low around: 50." But on this particular morning (I can't remember which day), it said "High around: 72. Low around: 2." Two? Oh, really? TWO?!?! It's never 2 degrees Fahrenheit in Mississippi, much less in early May! Something that does happen in Mississippi on a frequently recurring basis: shite don't work. E.g., the Time & Temperature line.

Double the Tragedy

Please tell me this poor child's name isn't pronunced the way it's spelled.  She's probably too old for a successful name change at this point.  But how's the poor thing ever supposed to get adopted with such a bad-sounding moniker??

Travel Tips I Don't Need

On PBS right now, the travel show Globe Trekker is doing a special on Iran. What Sweet Pickles wants to know is, who the feck is vacationing in Iran??? Is there really a market for this? Where do tourists go in Tehran?

Right now, it's showing how the host has to sit on random strangers' laps because you can only afford to share taxis. Uh, I'm sorry, I don't sit on the laps of strangers. Okay, that's not true, but still.

Now, the British host is, for unexplained reasons, singing "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof to everyone inside the taxi. This seems like a great way to get your ass kilt.

Sweet Pickles misses the Shah!

What's the deal with...

these women's voices? Is it just me does every single mother from this sect in Texas sound high? They have these weirdly soft voices, and speak with a sing-songy intonation. But they can't be high because each one is able to speak without any hesitation sounds ("uh," "like," "mmm"), which is impressive. Next time you see one of these interviews on TV, see if you notice this too. It kinda freaks me out (even more than their appearance).

I bet this baby's name is...

Mercades. Mercades Federline. I hate to sound classist, but I'm classist. Unless there's some cultural/religious impetus (e.g., your family are gypsies), this never looks good. Nothing says 'future stripper' like baby earrings. Except maybe tattoos for babies.

I never would've believed it possible, but...

Thabo Mbeki might be as ridiculous as Robert Mugabe.

A Film Review by Sweet Pickles

There Will Be Old Men

Out west, some psycho freaks out the locals.

Does Suze Orman realize...

that her name looks like it's "Sooz"? I'm just saying.

I see Sooz's name in writing on my television screen all the time. Yet, it was only fairly recently that I actually heard her name pronounced aloud.

My friend Wikipedia tells me that Sooz's real name is Susan. Therefore, I'm assuming that she (or her parents) could've chosen to spell the diminuitive version of her name in a more phonetically-conscious way.

Sexy Edward vandalized!

Leaving the house for book club this morning, I discovered that Sexy Edward's passenger-side window had been smashed in, and my iPod had been stolen. I know it sounds stupid, but my iPod was on its last leg, and could only be re-charged with my cigarette-lighter adapter for some reason. I had it inside the glove compartment, but if you were looking for it, you could see the white cord plugged into the cigarette-lighter. Obviously someone was looking. But who??? While waiting for a police officer to arrive and file a report, I started to suspect a male perp, probably age 20, Greek affiliated (i.e., a third of the residents in my neighborhood). And when the officer arrived, what single piece of evidence did we find next to Sexy Edward, amidst the pile of shattered glass? Lo and behold! A can of TAG body-spray.

What uncanny timing. I had been intending to rant about body-sprays (e.g., AXE, TAG, etc.) because I can't figure out what the deal is with them. I mean, are they supposed to replace deodorant and cologne? Is it a way of saving money and/or time by not having to buy/put on both Degree and Alfred Sung's Paradise? If so, does this mean it's like cologne for poor people? I can see from the commercials that body-sprays have the power to turn reasonable females into sluts in heat, but in theory, wouldn't a more expensive cologne do the job better? I don't get it!

Here's what Sweet Pickles does know... the body-spray wearer who smashed Sexy Edward's window to get at Sweet Pickles' iPod is going to be sorely disappointed because there is no Dave Matthews Band, Hootie & the Blowfish, or 3 Doors Down inside that MF! Joke's on you, Brandon, so SUCK IT!

Please boycott Cheetos

Local friends will have heard Sweet Pickles rant on this subject before. But I am still infuriated everytime I see this commercial on television...

Here are the questions I want answered:

1.) Why does the blonde gotta open her mouth in the first place. Nobody's asking her shite. Why can't she just keep her cakehole shut?

2.) Why does that cheetah gotta sound like Jean-Luc Picard?

3.) Why is that blind dude playing chess with him?

4.) Why are either one of these MFs playing chess in a laundromat?

5.) Her name's gotta be Felicia, huh? Really? Just shut up.

6.) Like the blonde hadn't already seen Felicia eating that bigass bag of Cheetos? And you know Felicia ain't gonna be able to get that orange powder off her fingers for a week. The blonde ain't gonna figure out who's responsible for her sheets turning orange? That is a good way to get your ass kicked, that's all what I know.

7.) Where the hell did the cheetah go? Oh, he wanna instigate some shite, then disappear??

8.) How is this whole scenario supposed to make me wanna buy Cheetos? When I purchase snack food, I eat it. The last time I bought snack foods to use in a some kind of prank, I was in 10th grade. What high school sophomores are doing their own laundry at a laundromat?? If they are doing their own laundry at the laundromat, they sure as hell can't afford to be blowing their money on Cheetos.

9.) WTF is the Orange Underground???

Nuh uh. NOT. HAVING. IT.