In the bad joke that passes for a student newspaper on our campus (on any other campus, it would be used by the English and Journalism departments as a textbook for how not to write), today's installment included one gem of a letter-to-the-editor that actually managed to shock me:
To the Editor:
[A student writer]'s article on test banks sounds just a bit whiny to me. She is upset because she says that she did not have the same advantages as some athletes and Greeks. Being an athlete or Greek is a personal choice, and belonging has many advantages, the least of which are test banks. Miss [student's surname] proposes a "universal test bank." Let's correct that; Miss [student's surname] wants a university test bank, not a "universal test bank."
Also, the university is not "enabling students to have an unfair advantage" as Miss [student's surname] suggests. The unfair advantage is not given by the university, or even by the students that take the time to collect, sort and store these tests. The advantage instead is given by the lazy professors, faculty and teaching staff that semester after semester, year after year, give out the same tests, exams and projects that they have had on for years or even decades.
So maybe Miss [student's surname] didn't ace every test. Boo hoo! Join a sorority, date a frat boy or just study more. But don't blame the athletes, the Greek system or the university -- blame those lazy test makers. Test banks would be useless without faculty and teaching staff that were too lazy to make out new tests.
Miss [old-lady first name] [pretentious middle initial] [oddly-spelled surname]
House mother, [a fraternity that has been suspended in recent memory]
I don't even know where I should begin with this, but I'm going to start with 'Miss.' Before writing in to a newspaper, has this Victorian house mother ever actually read one? Because I imagine she'd have to go back to some archived volumes of society pages from the Eisenhower era to find anybody addressing a college student by the title 'Miss.' Better yet, what grown woman in 2009 would refer to herself with such a title? I won't even go into my issues with using any honorific titles to reference yourself (bad form). Is her signature some kind of advertisement promoting her own virginity? I don't get it. Considering the sentiments expressed in her letter-to-the-editor, I can only assume she's embracing her own spinsterhood. If that's the case, leave the poor student writer out of your trip down Memory Lane, and sign off as "Not Getting Any." Normally, I regard 'Miss' as a quaint archaism that has its place (e.g., engraved wedding announcements), and usually it doesn't bother me at all. I also recognize that its use is generational. I think of all the sweet grandmothers out there still signing their checks as "Mrs. Edwin G. Miller, Jr." or "Mrs. Donald W. Anderson," even though they've been widows for decades. That's their prerogative. Hey, I'll call you whatever you want to be called (to your face). But in this day in age, who would presume to address a college-educated female who isn't a personal acquaintance as 'Miss'? Maybe this was the house grandmother's attempt at politeness? Well, it comes across as condescending. And out-of-touch. Normally, I'm not the first to cry "Sexism!", but did Granny actually describe a complaint from a female student as "whiny," and then proceed to respond with "boo hoo" and "date a frat boy"?
Part II of the Rant -- Did I read this correctly? Did it seem to you that our Vestal house grandmother was, at least obliquely, condoning a certain form of academic dishonesty on the part of students? Her 'argument' struck me as akin to ignoring crime because some police might be too lazy to prevent it from occurring in the first place. I've worked with the kind of professor that Mademoiselle Can't-Get-Laid describes, and don't condone that kind of negligent testing. But does the one mistake justify the other? And what kind of idiot wants to be the public advocate for cheating? Miss Priss would have made one hell of a defense attorney, although I suspect the masculine domain of law school might be too mannish for her delicate sensibilities.
Part III of the Rant -- What kind of message is she conveying to the students in her care? I'd advise her young charges that, in addition to being better for you in the long run, learning the material yourself (completing reading assignments, attending lectures, etc.) is no more labor-intensive than cataloging an archive of old exams to use in cramming sessions. If you would spend your energies doing what is asked of you instead of diverting your efforts toward trying to outwit the professor, you would achieve much more.
Part IV of the Rant -- "Being an athlete or a Greek is a personal choice." Oh, really? Is it now? All you have to do is exercise your own freedom of choice, huh? I wish I would have known that when I was an incoming freshman, so that all 120 pounds of my 5' 8" self would have chosen to become a linebacker for the Longhorns. I guess the reason we don't have more female pitchers out there on our school's baseball diamond is because the female part of the student body just doesn't have any ambition. And I wish more of the handicapped would get their lazy asses out of their wheelchairs and onto our basketball court. Slackers! As for joining a fraternity or sorority, isn't admission a committee decision made by the fraternity's or sorority's members? And aren't membership dues pretty expensive? Or is it that the non-WASPs that go to school here are just shiftless?
Sweet Pickles might just need to write his own letter-to-the-editor. It might go something like this:
Dear Miss Self-Hating Female:
Thanks for mentioning by name the fraternity house that you 'mother'. As a member of the instructional faculty at this university, I will make it a priority to acquire a complete listing of that fraternity's membership every academic year, so that if any members should enroll in my courses, I'll make sure that they receive the attention they deserve. Should you ever have the misfortune of meeting me personally, have your smelling salts at hand because what I have to say to you is not fit to print and will most definitely give you the vapors. If my goddaughter comes to school here in future, and you try that shit you pulled on Ms. [student writer's surname] with her, I will beat you unconscious with whatever Jane Austen novel you crawled out of. And if you cry about it, I'm going to tell you "Boo hoo. Where's the frat boy you're dating?" Kicking your ass will be my personal choice. Consider yourself forewarned.
Signed: Lazy Instructor
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