Sweet Pickles

My richass new phone...

... is going to involve a steep learning curve.  I do understand that it takes everyone a while to figure out how to do certain tasks whenever they get a new phone, but after hours of playing around with it, I still couldn't figure out how to initiate a text message without reading through a 'tutorial' on the phone.  I still can't check my voicemail.  It is a birthday gift from Sister Pickles, who works for Sprint, and on whose friends-and-family plan I will be paying about $15 per month for all kinds of unlimited everything. 

Saturday night, Sister Pickles and I went to a friend's annual holiday party and had a blast.  On the way to the party, I made Sister Pickles swing by the Bagby's new house so I could get some beer I left in their fridge, because I keep forgetting that one can purchase cold beer in the civilized world!  On the way back home late that night, we drove through the Whataburger drive-thru (I've eaten at Whataburger twice since coming home, because I miss their awesome ketchup).  Sunday night, la familia Pickles had a little reunion with the other families who used to live in the same neighborhood when I was growing up, and it was nice.  Monday, Brad Bagby and I went to get the stuff to make vodka gimlets and drank them at his place while T-Bagg and my godchildren were in Big D.  [Question:  What's the big deal about Grey Goose?  I don't understand why rappers are always so horned up about it.]  Today, I went with Mama Pickles to have lunch with her friend Rosemary, and then run errands.  Tomorrow, T-Bagg and I are taking my godchildren to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch (my Christmas present for the kids), then going to shop at the Asian grocery store.  Over the past several days, I've gotten a lot of good work done for my upcoming Wintersession class, but am starting to get a bit worried about how much more there is to do!

Here are some recent discoveries and rediscoveries about my family members, with whom I have been having a totally awesome time:

DADDY PICKLES

• Likes - the movie Hangover; pork; waking up before sunrise every day; watching movies on the computer while sitting at the desk; those banking commercials where an adult tricks a child (especially the one with the real pony)
• Dislikes - staying awake past 7:00pm

MAMA PICKLES

• Likes - the movie Hangover; pork; homemade 'trash' (a.k.a., Chex-mix); sleeping until lunch time; television shows about horrific crimes; jazzercise
• Dislikes - driving on the right-hand side of the road

SISTER PICKLES

• Likes - the movie Hangover; pork; betting on football games;
• Dislikes - the laziness and/or helplessness of Sweet Pickles

It was THAT kind of night...

and it was everything I wanted (and more) for my birthday.  I could not have asked for more booty-shakin'!  After whittling down the photos in my camera from last night from 221 to 125 that I could post on Facebook, it's hard to choose a single image to sum up the evening.  For those of you who couldn't be there, I hope this 'hands in the air/raising the roof' picture will give you a sense of the fun we had.  At one point, L-Hane turned to me in amazement and said, "Sweet Pickles, I've never seen so many people dancing at one time in O-Town!"  To which B-Whit responded, "I've never seen so many people dancing who I never thought I'd see dancing!"  I was so pleased with how great a time we had, that I'm already thinking this should become an annual event.  To those of you who were able to come, a very heartfelt thanks for making this my best birthday ever.  What a truly perfect way to celebrate the end of the semester, and the end of my 20s.  It felt good to look out at that sea of smiling faces, and be able to call them my friends. 

Birthday Present from D-Hug

Thank you, Senator Hatch, it's just what I wanted!

This NYTimes story, A Senator's Gift to the Jews, Nonreturnable, is about the Hanukkah song (video below) written by Utah's Orrin Hatch, as a gift to the Jews.  I find it utterly delightful, and his interfaith gesture of goodwill at this time of year makes me feel good.  For years I've been intrigued, slightly bemused, and a little bit flattered by Mormons' philosemitism.  But Sen. Hatch takes it to a whole new level.  I realize that people can reasonably question his motivations.  I choose not to, and accept this gift at face-value.  I'm not suggesting that everyone should agree with Hatch's sentiments, but here are some quotes and excerpts that either made me blush or made me verklempt:  

• “Anything I can do for the Jewish people, I will do.”
• “Mormons believe the Jewish people are the chosen people, just like the Old Testament says.”  [I would prefer the term "Hebrew Bible" to "Old Testament," but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.]
• The doorways of his homes in Utah and DC have mezuzot.  [Even mine don't!]
• He keeps a copy of the Torah in his Senate office.
• “I feel sorry I’m not Jewish sometimes.”  [I used to feel the same way, Senator.  There's something that can be done about that... call me!]
• “People need to know the story of Hanukkah. It was a miracle.”  [Yes, they do.  Not necessarily because it was a miracle, but thank you for recognizing that.]

All of this is getting me in the mood for what is probably my favorite holiday of the Hebrew calendar!  I need to get out the menorah that K-Wad made for me... first candle gets lighted at sundown on Friday!

 

Could I possibly love her any more than I already do?

Hanukkah came early for Sweet Pickles, in the form of DR-Rob.  At the Tasting Society's annual holiday party last night, there was a 'Dirty Santa' (euhhhhh!) gift exchange.  Sweet Pickles left with the present he stole from P-Rut and D-Hug (suckas!): four 40-oz. bottles of Colt 45 Malt Liquor (and a set of beer glasses, but who cares about that shit when 40s are involved?)!  And the badass who bought it, wrapped it up, and brought it, was none other then DR-Rob (my hero)!  My goal in life is to be just half that cool when I'm her age. 

While everyone else was going for the lameass gifts-of-booze, Sweet Pickles had his eyes on the prize.  I keep it real, bitches!  I'll be saving them until the night of my birthday, at which time I will be tipping a 40 to my homies.  Since I only have four, the first three readers to arrive at my house before dinner on the 12th will be able to tip a 40 to their homies with me.  Otherwise, I'll see ya at the club, chumps!

CANNOT. WAIT.

I just saw the promo for MTV's new show Jersey Shore.  Based on the title alone, I was already halfway sold.  The promo (below) sealed the deal.  I realize that this probably won't appeal to most sane people, but for some sluts (I'm looking at you, B-Whit, L-Hane, A-Ev), this totally seems like our kind of show! 

Should we get together to watch the premiere on December 3rd?  Since I own the most tanning products, have the largest sweat rings, and still have leftover hair gel (from when I had prickly hair), I guess my own house seems the most appropriate.  All sluts invited!  Anyone down?  Let me know, and maybe we can set up a little somethin' somethin'... I'll bring the Valtrex!

What's on TV right now.

Art:21 on PBS.  Specifically, a new episode I've never seen, titled Systems and featuring my favorite artist of the past decade who works in two dimensions, Julie Mehretu!  At the 2004 Whitney Biennial, her work (a sample below) totally sucked me in and consumed a lot of my time (in a good way).  If my #1 dream job (rich patron and career-making collector à la Charles Saatchi), #2 dream job (director of the Metropolitan Museum of Art à la Philippe de Montebello), or #3 dream job (architecture critic for the New York Times à la Ada Louise Huxtable) never materializes, my #4 dream job would be the gallerist representing Julie Mehretu! 

 

Empirical Construction. 2003.  Acrylic and ink on canvas, 9'8" x 14'7"

Calling All Sluts!

Are y'all ready for this?  Sweet Pickles just confirmed his booking at The Lyric for his 30th birthday party.  On Saturday 12-Dec., it's gonna get krunk!  Start planning now.  For Sweet Pickles' out-of-town readers, start making your travel arrangements today.  For you local sluts,what pair of your luckiest underwear will you wear, what taxi service will you use, where can you score some X, who will you call to bail you out of jail? 

The best part...

about Sweet Pickles' faculty exchange happening in summer instead of spring?  These sluts will be back in town for the Film Festival!  It has been eight and a half months since the Texas Women Art Travelers re-packed their SUV and drove away from my house, back to the Promised Land, without me.  That means... less than 4 months until the TWAT rolls back in to town again!

The Pointer Sisters and I are so excited, and we just can't hide it!

I don't want to jinx myself, but after this afternoon's conference call to Quito, it's looking like your favorite slut is bound for the equator in 2010!  Icing on the cake:  My South American counterpart and I will be exchanging homes as well as our teaching jobs, and dude gots a swimming pool.  Before the conference call, when Sweet Pickles was informed of this fact, guess what he did in his pants.  Frosting on top of the icing on the cake:  I didn't totally understand this part of the conversation (there were five of us around the speaker-phone on our end), but apparently my counterpart's home will come with a live-in handyman (or some kind of servant?).  Sweet Pickles was thinking, "Uh, do you mean like, to take care of things and do shit around the house that I can't do??"  Then, Sweet Pickles had to excuse himself to go change underwear and smoke an 'after' cigarette.  Now, I ain't sayin' Sweet Pickles is a gold digger... but he ain't messin' with no broke faculty-exchanges!  At this point, I think I may have flipped everyone in the meeting off, and said something to the effect of "Swimming pools and servants?  Later, bitches!  I'm out!"

Also, my counterpart and I will be doing a 'transportation exchange' as well.  So if you spot a Latino driving Sexy Edward around town, wave!  Unfortch, my counterpart's automobile is a standard (is that what you call the kind of car that's not automatic, where you have to jack around with the stick-shift?).  At this point in the conference call, some smartass N-Lope made the observation that, even if the car was an automatic, Sweet Pickles still probably shouldn't be driving in a foreign country.  True dat.  N-Lope has ridden shotgun in Sexy Edward often enough to know that Sweet Pickles probably shouldn't be driving in the U.S.  But, no worries... apparently, a taxi to campus only costs $1.00!  And Sweet Pickles loves to be driven places!

The good news for my local peeps is that we're scheduling the exchange for 8 weeks during the summer of 2010.  So, I won't be away long enough for you to start experiencing withdrawal symptoms.  The bad news for my local peeps is that, obviously, Summer 2010 in O-Town is going to suck.  Hard.  If this thought is too unbearable for you, start pricing airfare for a visit to Latin America now.  [When you get down there, we can swim in my pool!]

Special appreciation to my fineass boss for making this possible.  She totally beats out all of my former bosses:  Johnny Vasquez, Jack Mendel, Ueda-san, Nakajima-san, L'il Roy, J-Mur, the Bald Dwarf... even Hisaya's father (who made my first Japan experience possible)!  Awww... thanks, slut.  Love ya ;)

"Look out, weekend... here I come!"

It looks like this weekend is shaping up to be pretty awesome.  JustJess and I are planning some more daytime drinking in her carport tomorrow afternoon.  And M-Dev told his today that he's going out tomorrow night, which indeed makes for a special occasion.  And according to Facebook, it looks like Brookles' coolest out-of-state friend is coming in to town for the weekend.  So, after JustJess and I get things started right, maybe everyone can meet up at Snackbar for fun times? 

Saturday, I've got a ticket to see David Sedaris (who I still cannot believe is coming to town) on Saturday night.  Then, it's off to a birthday party for my favorite Brazilian!  How much more fun could possibly be packed in to 48 hours?!?!

Ya know who I love?

Texas' senior-Senator-cum-gubernatorial-candidate, Kay Bailey Hutchison!  I've always been a fan, and so much want her to become the next governor of my home state.  I don't know all the details, but apparently our current governor is a bit of a douchebag (that's what happens when you let a Texas A&M alumnus into the Governor's Mansion for the first time in the history of statehood.  Just think... in the dome of the Capitol's rotunda in Austin, there will now hang an official portrait of an Aggie.  Abomination!). 

For those of you who didn't like George W. Bush, you'd loathe Rick Perry.  [But if you like Giorgio, you'll love Primo!]  If John McCain had been serious about wanting to win the White House, no one would even know the name of Sandra Poland, and today we might be talking about the country's first female VP.  Not to diminish the impact of our first African-American presidency, but her candidacy could have been a realistic shot at breaking a barrier no matter which ticket won the 2008 presidential election. 

And just look at her.  She is the quintessential picture that comes to mind when you hear the words "the senator from Texas"... both senatorial and Texan.  I admit, I am partial to the look... she resembles most of the Lindas.  Not that appearances should matter.  Who am I kidding?  I doubt that you could look like Barbara Mikulski, Carl Levin, or Patty Murray, and get elected governor of the Lone Star state (we're attracted to the attractive, don't judge!), so let's be real.  But Kay is from Galveston (Mother City of the Republic) and a former cheerleader at the University of Texas.  What else could Texas possibly want in a governor that has a snowball's-chance-in-hell of being elected?  Go Kay, go!

Remember when George W. Bush's father was vice-president?

So, I finally got up in the attic, and managed to find a shoebox with some stuff I could use for tomorrow night's 80s Dance Party/benefit for the local animal shelter. 

Most depressing artifacts: several very 80s old belts that won't fit around my thigh, much less around my waist anymore. 

Most fun artifacts: some random Charlie's Angels collectors' cards (the kind that came in packs with a flat sheet of bubble gum, and have portraits of the Angels or action shots labeled "Jill nabs a crook!" or "Kelly poses as a cop," or "Sabrina cracks the case!").  I don't know how exactly I might use these (because I hate to get rid of them), but I'm thinking of 'trading' them to people who buy me drinks (I'm a slutty lush like that).  Or maybe I'll just carry them in my pocket and flash them to people I wanna get with.  But I'm not sure of of what years the show ran... was it too 70s? 

Most suitable or relevant artifacts (as far as the costume contest is concerned): two Swatch watches (I had many more than that, back in the day), a 'hand-woven' friendship bracelet (in pink and green), a skinny knitted necktie (Ralph Lauren Polo, bitches), my retainer, one of those loops to hook to the arms of your sunglasses (the kind your grandmother has on her bifocals, that were cool for a few minutes at the end of the first Reagan Administration), and an assortment of buttons (the kind you could wear on the lapels of a jacket or the straps of a backpack) reading "Depeche Mode," "Berlin," "I've been slimed" (Ghostbusters), "It's not who you are, it's what you wear," "Do ya think I'm sexy?" "Disco is out, break-dancing is in," (FYI, disco is never out), "I want to be disgustingly rich," and again "Depeche Mode" (FYI, recognize).  If you go tomorrow night, and buy me a drink, I might let you wear one of them for a little while. 

Most nostalgic artifact: the 8-track-to-cassette converter that I got with my first car (one of my mother's cast-offs... an American-made cruise ship that still had an 8-track deck, and could comfortably seat 12 people, which Brad Bagby dubbed "The Nurse" because it was white and solid).  The converter's connectivity was sketchy, so it required a butter knife from my mother's silverware pattern to be inserted along with the converter into the 8-track deck [Do you remember that, Brad Bagby or Wipey?], but it was a necessary evil because you couldn't get Depeche Mode on 8-track! 

Artifacts I need from SweetPickles.typepad.com readers:  a pink button-down oxford cloth shirt and a pair of size-9 deck shoes/boaters.  I want to wear the pink oxford over a green polo shirt (collar turned up), and my skinny knitted Polo necktie over it.  Of course I will also be rocking 'pegged' cuffs on my pants, but have no era-appropriate footwear.  Or, if you don't have either of these items, I'll settle for this shirt:

Additionally, I also need someone to sub my Friday morning classes, so that Sweet Pickles can get crunk on Thursday night!  Hook a brother UP!  Meet me there at 8:00pm tomorrow, even if you don't want to do the trivia contest... that way we can get a buzz in the parking lot on Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers before the ass-shaking starts at 9:00pm!

One Step Closer to Quito

... y estos locos! 

Some good news today... it looks like they've found an exchange counterpart from Quito to come teach my classes here next semester, and both my immediate boss and my big boss have given their blessings!  Don't know much else yet (like will I get paid the same amount, where will I live, what will I be teaching, does Quito have an H&M, etc.).  I'm sure there are still hundreds of details to be worked out, and that something could happen along the way to derail the plan, but I can't help but get excited.  Maybe I'll improve my minimal Spanish!  Maybe there will be Jews there!  Maybe I'll lose dangerous amounts of weight transitioning to a new cuisine! 

Icing on the cake... yesterday I got the call from my previous department chair, confirming their plan slating me to teach an art history class during the wintersession.  And get this: It's at the 300-level.  Egyptian Art and Archaeology, no less!  Who, little ol' me?  Sweet Pickles is smart, y'all.  I know the stereotype... people that look this good must be totally braindead.  But I'm like the Elle Woods of art history.

It's been over 5 years since I've gotten paid to talk about Jean-François Champollion, the Memphite cosmogony, faïence, and the jackal-headed god of embalming.  Good times.  It'll be hard-but-fast cash, right before getting on a plane to the Equator next January (in case Quito does have an H&M)!

I'm all over it, all up in it, and dancin' circles around it!

Calling all Music Sluts! 

A-Bed (great nickname, huh?) is organizing a charity benefit for the local animal shelter, and it's gonna be an 80s Dance Party!!  Hellz-to-the-mutha-effin'-YEAH!  Don't even. 

Thursday 17-Sep [put it on your calendars now, sluts] at the PowerHouse.

Tickets (available at the door) are $10.00 and include your first drink for free (plus pizza and/or some snacks for those of you who eat).

80s Music Triva competition starts at 8:00pm

Serious business (i.e., the shaking of moneymakers) begins at 9:00pm.

In discussions of playlists, A-Bed already made reference to Debbie Deb.  And asked me for any trivia question ideas and/or playlist recommendations.  I sent her the 80s-specific archive of Music Slut questions, with these instructions:  "Each of these questions is based on a song that I own.  Therefore, by definition, asses can be shaken to all of them.  Consider this the playlist recommendations of an expert."  Although I will obviously disqualify myself from the trivia competition, the rest of you Music Sluts can play without guilt, because 90% of the questions have not yet been featured on SweetPickles.typepad.com!  Who knows, maybe y'all can win some fabulous prizes and shit?!?!

So... D-Hug, JustJess, M-Shan, Frenchie, L-Shep, and Ruby:  consider yourselves my dates for this worthy cause!  Who am I kidding, I don't need a worthy cause... if they were promoting mandatory root canals as an 80s Dance Party, I'd still do it (I'm slutty like that).  For Brad Bagby, Maribeth, and Yankee Librarian (our out-of-town Music Sluts), we'll tip our 40s in your honor.

Spread the word, Music Sluts!

It's looking like Ecuador!

Our Study Abroad office is trying to set Sweet Pickles up for a semester exchange in Quito!  All I know so far is that the national currency of Ecuador is the U.S. dollar (convenient), they really only have two seasons (wet and dry), a beautiful volcano looms over the city of Quito, and that several of the most delightful and fun-loving people I've ever met (Paula, Eduardo, Salvo, Gisela, Ines Maria, Enrique, and Alvaro) work at the university there.  Sweet Pickles needs to start researching!

Perdido '09

Tropical Storm Claudette (that whore) meant that we had no laying-out weather this year, but there was plenty of good food (thanks to K-Wad's grillz skillz and to a delightfully Hebrew-friendly Publix!), yacht rock, trashy magazines, rolling-on-the-floor laughter, and morning boozing in pajamas. 

Since A-Ev, M-Kin, and Connie Selleca got down there first, A-Ev was able to prepare this welcome for us...

Sadly, one of the Seven Sluts was AWOL, but we saved her place...

Sweet Pickles did not try to feed old bread to sea gulls off the balcony this year...

Connie Selleca loves yacht rock...

The kilo...

Although K-Wad still reigns as the ultimate champion of Scrabble, M-Shan scored quintuple coolness points with this one...

If you skip out on Perdido, your name is likely to be slandered during your absence...

Depressingly, I still have 5 syllabi to prep before tomorrow's faculty meeting, and I'd rather eat a spider.  Even after several days of lounging, I still don't know that I'm ready to face a new academic year yet. 

Thanks, Shrinker!

Over the past week and a half (since the end of the second summer session), Sweet Pickles had been missing his daily fix of JustJess in the office.  And hadn't realized how much his high blood pressure has been moderated by his daily dose of her positivity!  So, leaving the office after lunch today, I dialed a sister up, to see if I could swing by and hang.  Of course her response was "bring it!"  Ended up spending around 4 hours over at her place.  Catching up, bitching, laughing, gossipping, and drinking High Lifes under her carport in the middle of a weekday afternoon for no reason.  So, if you ever find yourself in a bad mood, Dr. Pickles recommends a session with JustJess to get over your case of the sads.  A little QT with that shrinker can cure what ills ya!

Beer, a Leader Who Likes It, and a Voter Who Likes That He Likes It

Whether or not you agree with President Obama's reaction to the arrest of Henry Lewis Gates, Jr., you must admit that this picture is utterly refreshing.  Not only do I think that inviting Gates and the Cambridge police officer who arrested him to the White House was a nice idea, but to specifically invite them for a conversation over beer impresses the hell out of Sweet Pickles.  Remember a while back when President Obama was photographed holding a beer at some basketball game?  And now this.  Is it just me, or is this kind of historic?  Honestly, I can recall no photograph in the past half-century of an American president with a BEER.  A flute of champagne on hand for a toast at some state banquet, sure.  It's not that I don't believe any of our previous presidents ever drank beer, but I find this willingness to be photographed doing it delightful.  My only complaint is that they were drinking Bud Lite (the POTUS), Blue Moon (Sgt. Crowley), Sam Adams Light (Prof. Gates), and Buckler (Vice President Biden).  What, no Silver Bullet?  In the future, if any of Sweet Pickles' readers are invited to the White House during the Pickles Administration, know that you will be offered only two choices: Coors Light and Michelob Ultra.  And that you will be pressured to have more than one.

I was already looking forward to her visit...

but after seeing this pic on Peace and Carrots, I'm totally hyped for the arrival of M-Shan's sister-friend in O-Town!  Before even reading the story, I saw the picture, and was asking myself "Does that kid have on what I think she has on?"  Hellz yeah she did!  And the description of underage acquisition of wine coolers sounded like she would have definitely been rolling with my posse in high school.  M-Shan, when does this slut pull up into town?

It has officially been broughten.

Every year, Brad Bagby & T-Bagg, Wipey & Hennie, and B-Menz & D-Menz go all out for their kids' float(s) in Brad's & T-Bagg's neighborhood 4th of July parade.  This year, their prize-winning entry was a tribute to America's space program, complete with papier-mâché space shuttle, tin-foil lunar rovers, and matching patriotical do-rags.  Our pathetic local 'parade' (usually a cop car, three kids in a red wagon, and some hippie's dog sporting a bandana) could take a lesson from these fools.  They don't clown.

¡Viva Ecuador!

Thursday evening, several of us took the visiting Ecuadorian faculty and staff out for a night of grownup fun on the back porch of a local watering hole.  I guess I should have known what the night had in store when, after only an hour and a half, they were serenading the crowd with Spanish songs. 

Early on, N-Lope asked the group to tell us about themselves.  The math professor among them (think Cuban band leader more than stereotype of a math professor... we'll call him Juan) volunteered to start the introductions, because he had previously practiced introducing himself on the first day of his Intensive English classes.  He began, "My name is Juan, and I like X."  Sweet Pickles got very excited, and was thinking that Pablo might be his new favorite Ecuadorian, before we determined that he in fact enjoyed los huevos instead of la droga sintética.  Then,the question became, how much do you love eggs that it would be one of the most basic facts of your identity when meeting new people?  Juan said he didn't know the relevant English words to enumerate his specific interests, hobbies, and preferences, so he had simply chosen something from the vocabulary that he did remember.  This made sense to Sweet Pickles, because if I was having to accomplish the same task in Spanish, it would sound something like this:  "Mi nombre es Salmueras Dulces.  Me gustan abrigos y agua." 

Eventually, there emerged a consensus for karaoke, but by that time, only an hour remained before closing time.  So, the entire group (plus a few locals who had joined our merry band on the porch) transferred the action over to the home of T-War so that the festivities could continue.  [Note: Sweet Pickles was not only impressed by T-War's generosity, but by the fact that her house was clean enough to have over a dozen unexpected guests over at a moment's notice!  Sweet Pickles needs at least a half-hour's lead time to clear out all the empty booze bottles and random underwear before people can come over.]

At T-War's the fun only intensified.  At one point, I was outside in her backyard, and through her windows, the dancing in her kitchen and living room looked like Rio during Carnival.  When the beer ran out, Sweet Pickles wasn't ready to cease and desist, so he switched over to the red wine (bad idea).  When I finally got home at 4:00am, I was asking myself in amazement, "What just happened?"  Magic, that's what happened.  Take it from Sweet Pickles... wherever they find themselves, Ecuadorians bring the par-tay.  Gringos got schooled in how to do it right.  They weren't messing around.  Ecuador just might be Sweet Pickles' new favorite country.

June 20th = National Holiday for Sluts

a.k.a., K-Fiel's Birthday!

Attention Guerrilla Dance Attackers

Brad Bagby sent me this.  JustJess, do you think your costume-making skills could handle outfitting our group with the pants?

I need more of THIS, and less of "What kind of mother are you?"

This, by far, has to be the greatest quiz I've ever seen on Facebook.  I've already taken it twice because the answer selections and descriptive results are high-larious, and I want to find out all the possible results (including the awesome accompanying art work).  However, I've never gotten a result as great as this one:

[Sweet Pickles' friend] took the WHICH DINOSAUR/WEAPON COMBO WOULD YOU RIDE INTO BATTLE!!!!!! quiz and the result is Pterodactyl with Molotov Cocktails

You're fukkin flying and sploding things. This is the smartest of the combos; congrats! You are brilliant in many fields, such as biology, art, and biological illustration. You are probably easy as stealing green tomatoes and have a heart of tempered steel, lube, and cotton candy. You love babies and lying.

Ode to the Sun

Yankee Librarian's recent post about the love of my life was right on time.  Today, I was walking around downtown with JustJess, T-War, and K-Fiel during our town's annual arts festival.  T-War and K-Fiel had just bought some of those bigass Henry VIII turkey drumsticks, and we were looking for a place to sit while they ate.  One of them pointed at a small tree across the street and said "We can sit in the shade."  Then it hit me... shade!  Yes, the sun was out, and with enough intensity to create shadows!  God, it's been a long time.  And the temperature was warm enough to be pushing us to actually seek shade.  Can it be that April is actually almost over?  Brushing my teeth a while ago, I noticed a bit of color on my forehead!

Where I'm from, the sun isn't just a lighting effect, it's a physical presence.  And its presence is ubiquitous (and for about half the year, intense).  There, the summer sun doesn't shine, it burns.  And there, it looms closer, just inches above your head.  It's not a yellow disk in a blue sky.  Its brightness bleaches the color out of the daytime, and its reflections in glass and chrome blinds.  Even with all the drapes closed, there was rarely a lightbulb on anywhere in the house during daylight hours... it wasn't necessary, and would only make your mind think it was even hotter than it actually was.  That's my sun, and I miss it! 

In the words of John Denver, sunshine all over my naked body on my shoulders makes me happy!

The Navy SEALS didn't come to clown around.

At the risk of seeming callous, I have to admit that I liked this.  Very impressive, indeed.  Notice to future pirates:  You've been schooled.

What I haven't mentioned before is my utter bafflement at the idea of pirates in the 21st Century. 

Protests in Moldova: This, I like.

Rather than using Facebook to stalk the popular people from your high school or using Twitter to find out what oblique acquaintances might be feeling a little hungry at the moment, young Moldovans are using social networking to organize!  I like their style.

Part of me wants to say, "Your parents and grandparents are DUMB... who the hell was returning Communists to power in the year 2001???"  Because three-quarters of a century of trying out that shite worked so well for the countries that gave it a whirl.  Hey, if that doesn't work out for ya, try Sharia next. 

But I'm not going to say that.  Instead, I'm going to keep it posi, and focus on what is hopeful and inspiring.  In a world where so many countries are moving in the wrong directions (North Korea, Iran, Venezuela, Zimbabwe, et al), and others don't seem to be moving at all (China, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Cuba, et al), this is refreshing!

Is that a BEER??

If so, somebody's re-election campaign might be getting a check or two from Sweet Pickles if he keeps that up!

"Laying in the after glow..."

JustJess texted me the good news!

Cleaning marathon to be continued!

Have not done remainder of cleaning today, but I did manage to finally sit down and pay my bills!  I pay my bills online so, I don't know why I always put it off so long.  I just don't like doing it.  I got caught up with what I owed, and set up all of my monthly bills to be paid automatically.  This took almost all afternoon to do, but I'm really excited about it.  I've never really been able to attempt this before, because since changing jobs in January 2007, my paycheck has never been right from month to month (no exaggeration).  But now I have reason to hope (prayerfully) that things have settled at the zoo where I work, so that this might finally be possible for me.  Fingers crossed that it works!  Next financial project:  filing my taxes.  I've put it off longer than ever before because this is the first time in years that I won't be having my usual accounting firm do it for me.  Again, this Suave-and-tunafish-salad economy can SUCK IT!!

I also made some massaman curry, and used my badass new rice cooker too.  Am extremely full right now... paging Meredith Baxter Birney.

Mark your calendars!

March 25th is the grand opening of the new Thai restaurant (in the same jinxed location as the previous Thai restaurant).  That's just a week and a half away, on a Wednesday.  Any local readers wanna round up a group to go check it out?

April 18th is the annual "India Night" extravaganza on campus.  M-Shan and I saw the date on the sign in front of the performing arts center when we were driving back from seeing Slumdog (how coincidental is that!).  This is one ticket that never disappoints.  I'm ready for some bhangra!

What a ride!

Just got back from seeing Slumdog Millionaire (FINALLY!) with M-Shan, and I'm still worked up.  Normally, I ain't down with the poor people, but DAYUM. The emotions, the sights, the sounds!! We stayed all the way through the final credits.  As if the movie itself wasn't great enough already, when they started the crowd dance scene at Victoria Station, Sweet Pickles almost had a jizz-in-my-pants moment (cf. SNL skit).  I am so glad I saw this one in a theater.  It makes me want to go to India right now. And I realized one of the things I like so much about Indian music:  drums!  Now I'm off to download the soundtrack.

"It ain't no good if there's too much wood."

A recommendation from Frenchie.  I don't watch this show, but she said that when she heard this song, it reminded her of my use of the term "swordfight," and she thought I'd enjoy.  And how!  In this song, the problem is a "swordfight" on a dancefloor specifically.  But in academia, I've often found myself in a variety of social circumstances where the Flight of the Conchords guys' phrase "skedaddle with the cattle-prods" have been all-too apropos.

Love-Letter to Italy

Italia cara,

I love it when you do the right thing.  È così sexy!  Call me, anytime.

Screw Durban!  Meet me on the beach at Tel Aviv instead.

Sweet Pickles

How do I love A-Ev? Let Sweet Pickles count the ways!

This blog just got a lot more literary (and lost a lot of weight in the process)!!

The New York Times' best-sellers list better watch the hell OUT! This is what all the sexiest bookclubs are reading. Get your copy today!

*Book jacket design from the visual stylings of A-Ev!

FINALLY!

Old El Paso salsa is now available at my local grocery store. And my happening upon this treasure was entirely accidental. I was so excited! I wish you all could have been there to see me doing my ‘happy dance’ (it looks a lot like the Lambada, but with just one person) in the aisle.

For years now, I have been making due with Pace (the kind of stuff that people in places like Indiana, or Delaware, or Oregon buy). And I wouldn’t be caught dead with a bottle of that Taco Bell salsa in my hand.

Trust your favorite Sexan (Sexy Texan), this is some good stuff. Maybe not Guadalajara-good. But at least Austin-good. Which is better than Minneapolis-good or Nashville-good when it comes to salsa.

For my local readers, your assignment is: go out and buy some every week, so that maybe they’ll keep selling it here!

Hooked!

Over the holidays, I spent some quality-time chez Brad Bagby and T-Bagg, who introduced me to my latest addiction.  If you haven’t yet seen the hot mess on HBO that is Summer Heights High, stop what you’re doing right now and watch this immediately:



You can watch all 8 episodes (30 minutes each) if you have HBO-on-Demand.  Or, I’m guessing that you can probably get the DVDs from Netflix by now?  Either way… socially, you cannot afford to miss this bandwagon.  Jump on!

Hell to the yeah!

On Saturday, the day I'm scheduled to roll up into my hometown, it's supposed to be 74F there, according to Weather.com.  Uh huh, that's right.

Merry Christmas early, Wipey!

The other day, Wipey turned me on to another awesome song from my girls of Northern State... Summer Never Ends (featuring Har Mar Superstar).  They're the "three MCs who bring your stereo a little sextasy."  Although the song is from 2004, it's new to me. 

Half of what Wipey (and I) love about this one is the lyrics.  Unfortunately, it proved impossible to find these lyrics anywhere online.  So, for Wipey's Christmas present, and for all of Sweet Pickles' readers' pleasure, I actually transcribed these myself (because I have so much free time).  When you read these lyrics, you'll understand why we've already designated it the official song of the summer, FOREVER.   As we enter the darkest part of winter, this song reminds me there will always be another summer to look forward to.  Expect this tune to be featured prominently in Sexy Edward's drive-down playlist for the roadtrip to Perdido.  Enjoy!

Hey everybody, can you feel that summer beat?
We’re on the roof so we can feel the summer heat.
Yo, you can jump right in,
Or you can dip your feet.
Three MCs: Hester P., Spero, Sprout, and me
Are gonna bum the f*ck out ‘til the next party,
And give your stereo a little sextasy.
One more time.
Three MCs: Hester P., Spero, Sprout, and me
Are goin’ back to the hot tub permanently
Summer never ends with the trinity.

Summer livin’, in between beats, between sheets.
Open-toed shoes on open-toed streets.
Hear the cops and the Top 40 radio play.
And I’ma wear my white dress ‘cause it’s Labor Day.
And I’m ridin’ with my girls on the music express,
Checkin’ out all the boys that I wanna impress.
So let’s drag-race to the next stop-light,
Cruise around, find out what’s goin’ on tonight.

[CHORUS:]  No, we didn’t kill nobody. 
We’re just comin’ on like a corpse.
Here’s a scene with the ladies,
And they drink us too the floor.
Trippin’ up the stairway, ain’t nothin’ new to me.  A quarter past four.
Never hesitating.  Get on your feet, rock your body hard-core. 

Yo, check my crew.  You know how we do:
Write songs, drink brew, and barbeque. 
The party gets more crazy as the night gets darker.
And I’m out with my girls like Sarah Jessica Parker.
Playing cards on the beach, write our names in the sand.
Playing Marshall Tucker song in my cover band.
And when the summer sun sets, and the moon is full,
Then it’s time to night-swim up in the pool.

[repeat CHORUS]

Rule the scene.  Get the _____, and the clothes for free.
We’re rollin’ deep in a rented SUV.
Cruising in a zone where we shouldn’t be.
Spittin’ seeds, smokin’ _____, learnin’ dance routines,
Lyin’ out in the sun while at home they freeze.
Summer never ends with the trinity.  (“Shotgun.  Shotgun.”)

We havin’ fun yet girls?  Don’t let the feelin’ fade.
We gotta take it higher than my bangs from eighth grade.
Now we’re makin’ up a dance to our favorite song,
And then we’re writin’ down the words so we can rhyme along.
So you can tell that I’m chillin' by the smile on my face,
‘Cause my life is like an episode of Melrose Place.
And I know that I can learn to live my life without regret.
I put my new _____ on the f*ckin’ Bachelorette.
You know that three is still the magic number (“no wonder”).
And now we’re makin’ noise like the roll of thunder.
So we’ll see ya on the field at the softball games.
When the summer’s over, it’ll never be the same (“yeah, that’s right”).

[repeat CHORUS]

Hit everybody like the shake of thunder.
Girl next door is like the one down under.
_____ _____ _____ _____ intellectually (“yeah, that’s right”).
Hit everybody like the shake of thunder.
Girl next door is like the one down under.
Summer never ends with the trinity (“yeah, that’s right”).

“Best summer ever.”
“Yeah, I definitely agree with that.”
“Oh yeah, summer forever.”
“Best summer ever, dude!”
“Yeah, it’s been great.”
“Yes, yes, yes.”
“You guys, this is our summer.”
“Totally, man.
“This is our summer.”
“Time to take control.”
“Takin’ over and throwin’ down.”
“Oh, God.”
“We love you, Har Mar.”
“I love Northern State.”

Go to iTunes and BUY IT NOW!!  We gotta keep these rhymin' fools in business, yo!  And if, after listening to it, any of you ever say to me again that fall or spring (much less winter!) is your favorite season, I will take off a flip-flop and slap you with it.  People, there's a reason why nobody writes songs about autumn.  Recognize!

Don't call it a comeback!

According to the New York Times, an old fave may soon be available again at a store near you!  Back in the day, Gurkha shorts were a staple in Sweet Pickles' college wardrobe.  And I do believe I actually purchased mine at an old-school Banana Republic (the one in Austin's Highland Mall, I think).  Sporting them with a long-sleeved mock turtleneck from GAP and a pair of Cole Haan pinch-buckle loafers (no socks), I was unstoppable. 

 

P.S. - At no time were my Gurkha shorts ever belted above my waistline (as worn by the British soldiers pictured in the Times' article).

Guess where Sweet Pickles will be on Dec. 19!

At the DMA, baby!  For our birthdays next month, my homeslice T-Bagg (president of Texas Women Art Travelers, and mother of my godchildren) and I are giving each other tickets to go see Tutankhaman and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs!  Although I prefer to transliterate his name as Tutankhamun, and would argue that earlier reigns in Dynasty XVIII's Empire Period represent the 'Golden Age of the Pharaohs', the important thing is that the boy-king is coming to Big-D!  Well, not the mummy, but some of the most famous pieces found in his tomb. Here are my Top 3 objects that I'm most excited about seeing:

an alabaster stopper for one of the Canopic jars containing the king's embalmed viscera...



the king's crook-and-flail scepters...



a gilded fan (originally with ostrich plumes)...



And one of my archaeological heroes, Dr. Zahi Hawass, will be giving a talk at the DMA. Yes, he may be more of a show-horse than a work-horse, but I still love him! Unfortunately, he'll be in Dallas in March, and I doubt that I'd be so lucky as to have Spring Break overlap with his presentation.

All of you should be expecting a hand-written note soon

Yesterday was the baby shower that B-Whit, M-Shan, L-Hane, L-Ant, and Sweet Pickles had for A-Ev and M-Kin. As if further proof of the A-Ev's and M-Kin's coolness were needed, they had prepared host gifts for all of us. Mine included a bottle of champagne, and a handmade notepad. Peep this:

Red River Showdown, baby!

SCORE!!!

With that last touchdown, I almost started crying, y'all!  We just beat the #1 team in the nation, MFs!!

I cannot describe how this feels!  It's one of the nation's Top 10 college football rivalries.  I would give anything to be in the Cotton Bowl right this minute.  Nothing is so euphoric as winning this game, and nothing is so gut-wrenching as losing it. 

I hate to be greedy, but Sweet Pickles wants another national championship!

HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!

I CAN'T STAND IT!!!

After seeing this, I cannot stop watching it. I want to love on them so hard that I'm afraid I'd squeeze them to death. But it doesn't even say what city the restaurant is in! I pray that it's in the Kansai region, because I am already plotting a kidnapping mission for next summer. When Yatchan and Fukuchan come to live with Sweet Pickles, they'll be performing the exact same tasks, but they'll get a much cooler wardrobe of tiny track pants and little bitty hoodies.

Why I heart A-Ev

REWIND:  Back in August when I went to the coast for a little vay-cay, A-Ev and M-Kin rode down there with me in Sexy Edward.  On the way, M-Kin was dj'ing with his iPhone.  As we were talking and laughing, various songs would come to mind, and M-Kin would find the video on youtube and broadcast it through Sexy Edward's radio.  I don't remember what we were even talking about when Sheena Easton's Sugar Walls was mentioned.  As M-Kin searches to find that song, A-Ev says coyly from the back seat "I wonder if 'sugar walls' is  some kind of subtle metaphor for something other than gingerbread houses."  To which Sweet Pickles responded directly to the radio speaker "Oh I know what you're talking about, Sheena Easton, ya dirty whore!"  From then through the next three days, this became a recurring leitmotif for the rest of the trip. 

FAST-FORWARD:  Today I let A-Ev and M-Kin borrow Sexy Edward to go pick up a new rocking chair.  When they brought Sexy Edward back and were returning the key to me, A-Ev says "By the way, there's a little surprise in your CD player waiting for you."  I was all "Awesome, I can't wait to hear it!"  Because I was assuming it was a 'mix tape' like she and I make for each other sometimes, and she has turned me on to some great new stuff in the past.  About an hour later, I'm leaving the office.  I had forgotten about my surprise waiting for me until I climbed into Sexy Edward.  As I start backing out of my parking space, I hear the opening refrain of, you guessed it... Sugar Walls.   I cannot describe the effect this had on me, but I almost backed into a parked car.  I rolled down the windows, turned up the volume, and shook my ass all the way home (while driving). 

By the time I was pulling up in front of my house, the second song on the CD had come up:  Pebbles' Mercedes Boy.  On the way to the coast, we had discussed this one in a similar vein... when Pebbles asks "Do you wanna ride in my Mercedes, boy," we again wondered if this might be a metaphor for something other than offers of transportation.  I bet Pebbles didn't even have a German luxury sedan! Needless to say, Sweet Pickles is now in the mood to PAR-TAY tonight!!

Several birds with one stone (because I'm a multi-tasker like that)

Okay, firsta all... I'm sitting out on my back porch with my laptop and a Diet Coke, trying to enjoy the mild weather while it lasts.  But I think somebody's dog must've gotten underneath my porch and crapped.  Ima hafta go get the Lysol, 'cause it is RANK out here.  And I don't know how to make it go away. 

Seconda all... you know what else is gross?  Bud Light.  And even grosser?  Miller Light.  But not Coors Light, which is delicious (and kosher!).  You don't wanna use nice beer to make beery marys, but damn.  I'm just sayin'.

Thirda all... a new cleaning service came to refreshen Casa de Pickles.  I don't wanna get too excited yet, because I know they usually try to impress on the first visit so that you'll keep coming back for more, but this might be the best cleaning I've had since the mythical Sue retired from cleaning.  Now that Casa de Pickles is looking all rich again, I'm ready to have some heavy drinkers over to trash the place.

Fourtha all... what the hell is the deal with my image of macaroons?  Over the past couple of months I've detected a trend (not overwhelming but constant) by which much of the traffic visiting Sweet Pickles' blog are google image searches for macaroons.  And it's always an image search.  From different countries all over the world.  Why???  I mean, I know why I needed the image.  But how many people need pictures of macaroons?  Not information about macaroons.  Not recipes for macaroons.  Just pictures of them.  And when we're nowhere near Passover even.  Are office workers in Ireland or Brazil sitting in their cubicles, thinking "Damn, I sure would like to look at some macaroons right now!"  Are teenagers in Taiwan or the Ukraine going "What da f*ck is a macaroon?  Man, I gots ta see dis, son!"

So, if you're visiting this site accidentally on your quest for macaroon-related imagery, please drop Sweet Pickles a comment and let me know why you were interested in pictures of macaroons.  I am dying to figure this out.  Unless it's some kind of weird sexual fetish, then I don't wanna know.  I'm considering starting a new recurring feature on SweetPickles.typepad.com (something like "Macaroon Pics of the Week") to increase my traffic.  And, recalling how the world couldn't get enough of that Jaclyn Smith picture either, maybe I could generate a LOT of internet buzz with a feature about Jaclyn Smith eating macaroons. I'd be shutting down servers from Bangkok to Buenos Aires!

Fiftha all... I can't decide whether or not I'm excited about Israel's new acting prime minister, Tzipi Livni.  I mean, I like her, but I just don't wanna get my hopes up about what she might be able to accomplish.  Either way, I'm jealous that she couldn't have been McCain's running mate.

Still wetting myself over this one.

Before you think you might've seen this one before, watch closely.

Sweet Pickles recommends: Perdido Key!

What an awesome summer this has been!  My family and friends are healthy and happy.  Lots of cool new people started working in my department.  Cool new club opened in town.  Finished my second MA.  And to wrap it all up, a roadtrip to the beach.  Since words would fail to capture all the greatness of the past few days, I'll let some of the pictures do the talking.

P.S. - Tomorrow, my new work computer (a Mac G5) is being delivered to the office!

A Good Day in Pickleland

Well... informally I got the word this morning that all three readers signed off on my comps, and notification has been forwarded to the graduate school. I don't know how great my answers were, but I guess they were at least minimally sufficient. Regardless, I'll take it. So, it looks like Sweet Pickles has another MA under his belt (Size 28), which means he gets to keep his job. This also means, no more classes next semester. Which means, more free time during Fall 2008. And you know what that means... PAR. TAY.

Now, to start Fall 2008 off right (or to end Summer 2008 with a bang), Sweet Pickles heads out tomorrow morning to a condo at Perdido Key, for a long weekend of beach and booze. Vay-cay, baby! The road-trip includes a cast of characters reminiscent of Gilligan's Island: M-Shan (Mary Anne) and B-Whit (Ginger), with whom Sweet Pickles (Mr. Howell) will share a room; M-Kin (the Professor), A-Ev (Mrs. Howell), K-Wad (Gilligan) and L-Hane (the headhunter from that neighboring island). However, I anticipate that the adventure itself will be more like Season 1 of MTV's Road Rules.



Sweetpickles.typepad.com will be on temporary hiatus until I get back. I've gotta go now (and find my Speedo to pack), but I'll leave you with this video that reflects Sweet Pickles' current mood. Enjoy!