Sweet Pickles

Fun Tips from Sweet Pickles

At some level, I guess I've always understood that you should couple the things you hate to do with something you enjoy, to make the task more pleasurable.  For example, when I have to do laundry or unload and load the dishwasher, I crank up the jamz and shake my ass.  Well, today I stumbled upon a combo that I can't believe I hadn't already thought of:  housecleaning + daytime boozing!  My house doesn't look too great, but the cleaning process was much less painful than usual.  You should try it.

The reverse of this process (i.e., separating an enjoyable activity from a bad habit) is what smoking-cessation counselors suggest.  It, too, is effective.  For example, if you're a smoker who enjoys a cigarette at the same time you're having a cup of coffee, allow yourself to continue both activities, just not concurrently.  Or, if you're a smoker like Sweet Pickles, who enjoys sexing on strangers while you've got a lit cigarette, slow down.  Tell people, "Yeah, I'm down with OPP... I just need to finish this cigarette first."

My New Favorite Thing

Minestrone!  Sweet Pickles just made a bigass pot of it.  And it was easy!  Preparation and cooking time = less than 15 minutes altogether.  And there's a lot of it, so I'll be able to enjoy some for the next several days.   Considering the ingredients, it strikes me as both low-cal and healthy (the former the more important).  It tasted great, and I am pleasantly surprised by how filling one bowl was!  Now, I need a nap. 

Good morning, Berlin!

I think that a big reason why I haven't had much to blog about lately has been the soggy-ass weather.  Seriously.  Driving to work this morning, as I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed that the white columns on the front of our building are now green with some kind of fungal growth.  No lie. 

I was further worried by an article I read about the Pacific Ocean losing heat, and the planet entering a 10- to 15-year cooling phase during which temperatures will be lower overall (apparently similar to the 1950s through 1970s).  This does not bode well for my mood.  In general, Sweet Pickles finds that cooling phases are not conducive to sexy times. 

My newest favorite discovery (via D-Sap) is the music of Peter Fox, especially the song Schwarz zu Blau.  I've had it in my head the past couple of days.  I'm finding that its lyrics strike a particularly resonant chord with my mood:  Guten Morgen, Berlin... Du kannst so häßlich sein, so dreckig und grau ("Good morning, Berlin... You can be so dirty, so ugly and gray").  Check out the video.  The animation is pretty great.

UH. MAH. GAWD.

I don't know how or where Maribeth found Shit My Dad Says, but she is totally awesome for sharing.  It will ROCK. YOUR. WORLD.  I stopped reading at this gem (below), so I could make sure that Sweet Pickles readers could share in Maribeth's recommendation.  I was screaming out loud as I read these, and now I'm back to continue reading every last one of them.  Although I'm glad that this man isn't my father, I could read his words of wisdom all day long!

"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"

Cocktails for the Elderly

For those readers who aren't friends on Facebook with Brad Bagby, he's got a new thang going on... geriatric cocktail recipes.  Apparently, all of them involve (appropriately enough) a pickled beet garnish.  My favorite part is the names of each cocktail.  Both of these are just one example of why that slut needs his own blog.

Cocktail recipes for older folks #1: "The Governor." In a highball, mix one part vodka and three parts Pedialyte. Add two rounded spoonfuls of orange-flavored Metamucil. Garnish with a pickled beet. Enjoy.

Another old folks cocktail recipe: "The Duchess." Mix one part Kahlua with two parts chocolate flavored Ensure complete balance nutrition drink. Stir in two rounded teaspoons of Ovaltine. Garnish with a pickled beet and enjoy.

A New Fave with Some Old Faves

Sweet Pickles spent a wonderful afternoon with his mother and an old friend of hers (one of 'the Lindas', although not actually named Linda).  Mama Pickles and her friend flew in to Tupelo for the week, because the Linda and her husband are buying a large tour bus there (the kind Bon Jovi lives in when they're on the road), and they will be driving the new tour bus back to the Lone Star State on Friday.  Another Linda was supposed to come with them, but couldn't at the last minute, which makes me sad because it could have been like that Britney Spears roadtrip movie, except with sassy Texan retirees.  [Warning:  On Friday, stay off of I-55 between Memphis and Jackson, I-20 between Jackson and Dallas, and I-35 between Dallas and Waco.]

We had a delightful time driving around O-Town, giving the Linda the official tour of campus and town.  Apparently, since we didn't get out of the car, we missed today's circus downtown when the local school district let all of the middle school students out early to terrorize the city.  The weather was perfect, and we walked around the grounds at Rowan Oak for a little while.  We had a drink and an early dinner of various shared appetizers at the Snackbar: the fried green tomatoes, the truffles frites, the lamb sliders, and the pickle plate.  Do not get us started about the pickle plate... we are obsessed!  According to our awesome waitress (a former student of mine, who Mama Pickles and the Linda were loving hard), each of the five items rotate each day, so you get a different mix each time.  And each item is pickled differently, so they don't all taste exactly the same.  Our pickle plate today included hardboiled egg, shrimp, green beans, mango, and okra.  At $6.00, I plan to get a pickle plate every time I go there.  And you should too!

It was really great to see them.  Although Mama Pickles and I talk on the phone at least once a week, it's just not the same as being able to squeeze each others' goozles.  And I hadn't seen this particular Linda in almost a year.  I wish they could have stayed a little longer, but the girls wanted to drive back to Tupelo before it gets dark. 

When they were getting ready to depart, Mama Pickle didn't get all verklempt about leaving me (like she do).  I left them in their rental car (a bigass Lincoln, natch), and went back in the house.  Fifteen minutes later, I had to go outside to get something out of my truck.  They were still out there, trying to figure out the GPS/navigating system (refer to warning above).

CAN'T. BREATHE.

If you haven't already seen this over at Dlisted.com (then you don't know what you're missing), you've got to read about the embarrassing attacks on devout Christians on Facebook.  While I find the hacking aspect of the story kinda frightening, I was too busy wetting myself over the excerpted-and-redacted Facebook page to remember to be scared.  While this 'cyber crime' was pure genius very unfair, the complexity of the prank's concept and the convincing results earn props for cleverness.  I have to say that, although neither of us has the tech skills to pull off something like this, the idea is so Brad Bagby and Sweet Pickles.  It's like the prank calling of the new millennium!  [Paging P-Rut... we might have a covert 'mission' for you in the near future.]

¡Viva Ecuador!

Thursday evening, several of us took the visiting Ecuadorian faculty and staff out for a night of grownup fun on the back porch of a local watering hole.  I guess I should have known what the night had in store when, after only an hour and a half, they were serenading the crowd with Spanish songs. 

Early on, N-Lope asked the group to tell us about themselves.  The math professor among them (think Cuban band leader more than stereotype of a math professor... we'll call him Juan) volunteered to start the introductions, because he had previously practiced introducing himself on the first day of his Intensive English classes.  He began, "My name is Juan, and I like X."  Sweet Pickles got very excited, and was thinking that Pablo might be his new favorite Ecuadorian, before we determined that he in fact enjoyed los huevos instead of la droga sintética.  Then,the question became, how much do you love eggs that it would be one of the most basic facts of your identity when meeting new people?  Juan said he didn't know the relevant English words to enumerate his specific interests, hobbies, and preferences, so he had simply chosen something from the vocabulary that he did remember.  This made sense to Sweet Pickles, because if I was having to accomplish the same task in Spanish, it would sound something like this:  "Mi nombre es Salmueras Dulces.  Me gustan abrigos y agua." 

Eventually, there emerged a consensus for karaoke, but by that time, only an hour remained before closing time.  So, the entire group (plus a few locals who had joined our merry band on the porch) transferred the action over to the home of T-War so that the festivities could continue.  [Note: Sweet Pickles was not only impressed by T-War's generosity, but by the fact that her house was clean enough to have over a dozen unexpected guests over at a moment's notice!  Sweet Pickles needs at least a half-hour's lead time to clear out all the empty booze bottles and random underwear before people can come over.]

At T-War's the fun only intensified.  At one point, I was outside in her backyard, and through her windows, the dancing in her kitchen and living room looked like Rio during Carnival.  When the beer ran out, Sweet Pickles wasn't ready to cease and desist, so he switched over to the red wine (bad idea).  When I finally got home at 4:00am, I was asking myself in amazement, "What just happened?"  Magic, that's what happened.  Take it from Sweet Pickles... wherever they find themselves, Ecuadorians bring the par-tay.  Gringos got schooled in how to do it right.  They weren't messing around.  Ecuador just might be Sweet Pickles' new favorite country.

"Polly want an X-tab?"

Saturday morning at bookclub, we got into some discussion about pets.  I told everyone how I had decided that, if I were to ever go down that road again (feeding schedules, vet bills, cleaning up messes, travel arrangements, odors), I'm going all out.  I ain't gonna mess around with any cats or dogs.  It's gonna be either a monkey, a pygmy goat, or a talking bird.  If a pet is going to be allowed to alter this glamorous lifestyle in any way, that pet had better be a superstar.  At this point, Frenchie imagined a talking bird that says "Squawk!  F*ck a bunch of that!" and "What up, sluts!  Squawk!"

Then, last night on Facebook, I see that an old friend from college days has posted several pictures of his pets (his family has got quite a menagerie going).  Seeing the two pictures below caused me to lose my mind.  Is that little bird smiling?!?!  AW HELL NAH!  If I had been there, that bird would have got itself kilt, and it would've been a death by goozle-squeezing.

So, I'm thinking about getting three (so they won't get lonely when Sweet Pickles is out boozing and slutting around town).  Not all at once, because they're so expensive.  And their names are going to be Yigal, Yoav, and Yehuda.  Or, if they're girls, then Georgette, Sue Ann, and Mrs. Morgenstern.  But not both genders together (because there's already way too much doin' it going on up in here as it is).  And I'm going to train my birds to say things like:  "You don't need to lose any more weight!"  "Just one more drink ain't gonna kill ya!"  "I love that sweater on you!"  "They're just jealous... f*ck the haters!"  And to sing only songs that I can dance to. 

We should try it!

Coming back from lunch today, JustJess recounted a story about her dinner last night, in which her cat sneaked up and started licking on a slice of Havarti that she had.  At this point in the retelling, JustJess pondered, "Why can't we be like cats and just lick food?"  And thus, the idea for the newest diet craze was born.  Think of how much weight you could lose if, instead of actually eating food, you just licked food.  You'd still get to enjoy the taste, but without all the calories.  Why haven't I thought of this before?!?!

Music Videos That Changed The World #29

After a year of putting up with Youtube.com's "embedding disabled by request" BS, Sweet Pickles thinks he may have found an alternative.  So many of my favorite videos have never been featured because of this 'disabling' assininity.  Now, all those disabling bitches can SUCK IT.  With that in mind, this one goes out to Brad Bagby.

For me (and Brad), this video's greatness rests almost entirely with the drummer as the sexy stewardess.  However, the lead singer as the starstruck awkward tween has a striking resemblance that makes me think he might be the male Alanis Morissette.  And, I had forgotten that Jack Black had a little cameo in this one.

A sure recipe for you-know-what!

Earlier this month at the local film festival, Sweet Pickles and the Texas Women Art Travelers were introduced to sweet tea vodka.  Mixed with lemonade (or better yet, diet lemonade), this delicious elixir makes stuff happen.  According to eyewitness T-Bagg (and to borrow a phrase from Dlisted)...

sweet tea vodka + lemonade = sexy times

[You should try it!]

Check it, yo!

Allow me to direct your attention to this blog's "OTHER BLOGS I READ" sidebar, where you'll find my newest time-sucker.  I suppose one might describe Dlisted as a celebrity-gossip blog.  Sweet Pickles, however, would describe that hot mess as a bowl full of party.  Of the many recurring features, my personal fave is "Hot Slut of the Week" (and rarely does it feature who or what you would anticipate). 

A long time ago, Brad Bagby tried to get me hooked on Dlisted.  But the idea of a celebrity-gossip blog didn't have the appeal for Sweet Pickles that you might expect it would.  Sure, I'm the one with the suntan-lotion-stained/sand-encrusted copy of People magazine on the beach while M-Kin reads The Economist.  But I don't know enough about Mischa Barton or the Jonas Brothers to be able to get the joke.  And while the smartass who writes Dlisted certainly rakes the likes of Miley Cyrus and the Hilton sisters over the coals (man, does that dude hate him some Paris Hilton!), it's not really about that.  The author's phraseology is enough to pull you in.  Also, I originally found the sometimes-graphic nature of some references very "Ewww!"-inducing (you know Sweet Pickles usually ain't down with the scatological humor).  But if you can get past some of the "Fear Factor"-type descriptions, it's well worth it in terms of LOL hilarity.

While Dlisted comes with the Sweet Pickles seal-of-approval, be warned that it might not always be appropriate for in-office reading.  Additional warning:  If you get this guy's sense of humor, you most likely will feel compelled to start at the beginning of the site's archives (like I did), and read the whole megillah, from start to finish, in one sitting.  Actually, now that I think about it, Dlisted might be a large part of the reason I haven't been devoting much time to my own blogging since I got back after the holidays!

Hooked!

Over the holidays, I spent some quality-time chez Brad Bagby and T-Bagg, who introduced me to my latest addiction.  If you haven’t yet seen the hot mess on HBO that is Summer Heights High, stop what you’re doing right now and watch this immediately:



You can watch all 8 episodes (30 minutes each) if you have HBO-on-Demand.  Or, I’m guessing that you can probably get the DVDs from Netflix by now?  Either way… socially, you cannot afford to miss this bandwagon.  Jump on!

Have y'all seen this yet?

The Discovery Channel's CA$H CAB is my new favorite thing on television.  I think it's been on for a while now, but my parents turned me on to it.  The host reminds me a lot of G-Wrobe.  The next time "The L-Ant and Sweet Pickles Roadshow" finds itself in the Big Apple, you better believe I'll only be getting into one of those minivan-type taxis driven by a G-Wrobe look-alike.  However, despite my natural gentlemanly instinct to allow L-Ant into the cab first, I'm going to make sure she gets in last so that she'll end up being the 'answerer'.  I just need to make sure the distance between the Guggenheim and the H&M on Fifth and 54th is between 30 and 40 blocks. Also, can anybody figure out how to make those disco lights flash on the ceiling of an automobile (a Nissan Frontier SE, to be specific)?

Merry Christmas early, Wipey!

The other day, Wipey turned me on to another awesome song from my girls of Northern State... Summer Never Ends (featuring Har Mar Superstar).  They're the "three MCs who bring your stereo a little sextasy."  Although the song is from 2004, it's new to me. 

Half of what Wipey (and I) love about this one is the lyrics.  Unfortunately, it proved impossible to find these lyrics anywhere online.  So, for Wipey's Christmas present, and for all of Sweet Pickles' readers' pleasure, I actually transcribed these myself (because I have so much free time).  When you read these lyrics, you'll understand why we've already designated it the official song of the summer, FOREVER.   As we enter the darkest part of winter, this song reminds me there will always be another summer to look forward to.  Expect this tune to be featured prominently in Sexy Edward's drive-down playlist for the roadtrip to Perdido.  Enjoy!

Hey everybody, can you feel that summer beat?
We’re on the roof so we can feel the summer heat.
Yo, you can jump right in,
Or you can dip your feet.
Three MCs: Hester P., Spero, Sprout, and me
Are gonna bum the f*ck out ‘til the next party,
And give your stereo a little sextasy.
One more time.
Three MCs: Hester P., Spero, Sprout, and me
Are goin’ back to the hot tub permanently
Summer never ends with the trinity.

Summer livin’, in between beats, between sheets.
Open-toed shoes on open-toed streets.
Hear the cops and the Top 40 radio play.
And I’ma wear my white dress ‘cause it’s Labor Day.
And I’m ridin’ with my girls on the music express,
Checkin’ out all the boys that I wanna impress.
So let’s drag-race to the next stop-light,
Cruise around, find out what’s goin’ on tonight.

[CHORUS:]  No, we didn’t kill nobody. 
We’re just comin’ on like a corpse.
Here’s a scene with the ladies,
And they drink us too the floor.
Trippin’ up the stairway, ain’t nothin’ new to me.  A quarter past four.
Never hesitating.  Get on your feet, rock your body hard-core. 

Yo, check my crew.  You know how we do:
Write songs, drink brew, and barbeque. 
The party gets more crazy as the night gets darker.
And I’m out with my girls like Sarah Jessica Parker.
Playing cards on the beach, write our names in the sand.
Playing Marshall Tucker song in my cover band.
And when the summer sun sets, and the moon is full,
Then it’s time to night-swim up in the pool.

[repeat CHORUS]

Rule the scene.  Get the _____, and the clothes for free.
We’re rollin’ deep in a rented SUV.
Cruising in a zone where we shouldn’t be.
Spittin’ seeds, smokin’ _____, learnin’ dance routines,
Lyin’ out in the sun while at home they freeze.
Summer never ends with the trinity.  (“Shotgun.  Shotgun.”)

We havin’ fun yet girls?  Don’t let the feelin’ fade.
We gotta take it higher than my bangs from eighth grade.
Now we’re makin’ up a dance to our favorite song,
And then we’re writin’ down the words so we can rhyme along.
So you can tell that I’m chillin' by the smile on my face,
‘Cause my life is like an episode of Melrose Place.
And I know that I can learn to live my life without regret.
I put my new _____ on the f*ckin’ Bachelorette.
You know that three is still the magic number (“no wonder”).
And now we’re makin’ noise like the roll of thunder.
So we’ll see ya on the field at the softball games.
When the summer’s over, it’ll never be the same (“yeah, that’s right”).

[repeat CHORUS]

Hit everybody like the shake of thunder.
Girl next door is like the one down under.
_____ _____ _____ _____ intellectually (“yeah, that’s right”).
Hit everybody like the shake of thunder.
Girl next door is like the one down under.
Summer never ends with the trinity (“yeah, that’s right”).

“Best summer ever.”
“Yeah, I definitely agree with that.”
“Oh yeah, summer forever.”
“Best summer ever, dude!”
“Yeah, it’s been great.”
“Yes, yes, yes.”
“You guys, this is our summer.”
“Totally, man.
“This is our summer.”
“Time to take control.”
“Takin’ over and throwin’ down.”
“Oh, God.”
“We love you, Har Mar.”
“I love Northern State.”

Go to iTunes and BUY IT NOW!!  We gotta keep these rhymin' fools in business, yo!  And if, after listening to it, any of you ever say to me again that fall or spring (much less winter!) is your favorite season, I will take off a flip-flop and slap you with it.  People, there's a reason why nobody writes songs about autumn.  Recognize!

Sweet Pickles, the Undergrad Whisperer

Since the weather had me hiding inside all morning on the first day of the Fall Break (until recently when it turned gorgeous), I found myself watching several episodes of The Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic channel.  I had seen bits and pieces of Cesar Millan in action before, but now this guy is my new hero.  His approach to canine behavior mirrors a lot of my own teaching philosophy.  In his arsenal, he has got this one technique that is so sublime as to be almost Japanese.  The hand gesture is so minimalist that I can barely tell what he's doing, but it appears to be a very low-key snap of his fingers in front of the dog's face.  This nonchalant snap of his fingers is accompanied by a subtle noise that I can only describe as a disapproving hiss... szzzt!  The effect of this simple combo is magical.  Consistently, every dog to whom he does this immediately shuts the hell up, and ceases whatever annoying behavior in which it was engaged.  Effective and elegant.  For those of you who teach here, I'll let you know how this works on undergraduate students. 

When two faves collide!

I found this on youtube, and am obsessed with it. The music video is Justin Timberlake's My Love, but the song it's set to is Dancing Box by Modeselektor featuring TTC. At first I was excited that this mix combined my dance hero and one of my all-time favorite songs. But the synchronization is eerily perfect. I don't know who the genius is that noticed this, but I'm starting to suspect it might be my long-lost twin (or, Pickkelgänger). What the combo of The Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon was to stoners, this could be to good-looking people who can dance (like me).

Where does she find this stuff?

This latest hilarity comes from D-Hug (natch): Literal Version Video



Unfortunately, there's only two of these so far. Whoever's making these needs to get busy. To check out the other one, head on over to Will Cooley Fan Club!

Sweet Pickles recommends: Perdido Key!

What an awesome summer this has been!  My family and friends are healthy and happy.  Lots of cool new people started working in my department.  Cool new club opened in town.  Finished my second MA.  And to wrap it all up, a roadtrip to the beach.  Since words would fail to capture all the greatness of the past few days, I'll let some of the pictures do the talking.

P.S. - Tomorrow, my new work computer (a Mac G5) is being delivered to the office!

A Musical Recommendation from Brad Bagby

My new favorite song is Mark Ronson's reworking of The Smiths' Stop Me.  I can't embed the video, but you can see/hear it here.  I always liked the original, but think I might like this version even more. 
Like the original, it contains one of my all-time favorite quotes to be found in any song lyrics:  "So I drank one.  It became four.  And when I fell on the floor, I drank more."  Which leads me to believe that The Smiths might have been singing about Sweet Pickles. 

I scream, you scream, we all scream for...

Ethiopian food!!  The highlight of yesterday's daytrip to Memphis was Abyssinia, the Ethiopian restaurant.  For a long time, I'd been hearing good things about it, and was excited about trying it.  I had never had Ethiopian food before, so I have nothing else to compare Abyssinia to.  But I sampled every item on the buffet, and there wasn't a single thing I didn't love.  That bread was crazy delicious.  And the buffet was only seven bucks!!  The location was convenient (on Poplar), and even though the restaurant was in a very nondescript strip shopping center, it still managed to be quaint... the charming kind of family operation that I love.  The interior was decorated with travel posters of Ethiopia, portraits of Haile Selassie, depictions of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba, and flags with the Lion of Judah.  Ever since our one-horse town got its own Indian restaurant, I've been looking for a Memphis eatery to replace India Palace in my anticipatory thrill for ethnic food during visits to the Bluff City.  I think this is it (although I do still love India Palace).  Bonus feature = T-Lev drove into the city to meet us for lunch!  She is still awesome.  MISS. HER.

Check it out...

Here's my new favorite google search results to lead people to Sweet Pickles' blog!

Half-priced sushi is delish, but the gossip's even tastier!

Half-priced sushi was as good as it sounds!  My new favorite is the sweet omelette nigiri. 

Wanna know what's even better than sweet omelette nigiri?  The succulent gossip I learned last night.  Since the police were involved, I feel it's best to remain discreet until I see you in person.  At which time I will totally spill the beans, exaggerating everything out of proportion to spice up the dish.  No, I take that back... this story needs is savory enough already and needs none of my wasabi to bring the heat.  All I'll say now is this:  Karma?  Still a bitch.

P.S. - In case you didn't already know what a badass JustJess is, she got a free tshirt for winning the shuffleboard tournament last night.

Possible candidates for inclusion in "There's a party in my board shorts"

New favorite downloads, all from You Don't Mess with the Zohan, and all available on iTunes:

by HaDag Nachash

Hine Ani Ba (Here I Come)

California

Lo Mevater (Not Give Up)

by Armand van Helden

NYC Beat

by Bananarama

Look On the Floor (Hypnotic Tango)

Song(s) of Summer '08

For several years after I first got iTunes, I used to burn CDs for my friends (much easier to make than mix tapes).  For a while, I had a very popular series named after an old catchphrase of mine, "There's a party in my pants."  After Volume III or IV, I branched out to make some more topical mixes, such as "There's a party in my parachute pants" (80s music), or "There's a party in my swim trunks" (summer tunes). 

While I don't yet have enough good material for "There's a party in my board shorts," I am able to predict that Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" and/or Metro Station's "Shake It" will become the official song(s) of Summer '08.  Both are ass-shakers that Sweet Pickles can get behind wholeheartedly. 

Recommendation from D-Hug

Jeannie Tate is a New Jersey soccer mom who hosts a talk show from her minivan... P.S. - For other regular hilarity, you should check out D-Hug's blog, espesh if you don't know who Cheryl Song is!

Latest guilty pleasures

This guy kills me.

While I don't always laugh aloud, I could watch Demetri Martin's routine for hours.

A Recommendation from Wipey (via Hennie)

Check out the ladies of Northern State. The vocal stylings of these songstresses are responsible for my new favorite song Sucka Mofo, which you should totally buy on iTunes. Stat.

My new favorite thing is...

Quaker Mini Delights, specifically the Chocolatey Mint flavored ones (not pictured here)

Maybe the other flavors are great too, but the Chocolatey Mint ones taste just like the Girl Scouts' Thin Mints.

Let's get skinny!

Right now, the Orion gym here in town is having a membership drive. You can get a membership for $19.99 per month, yo! The deal is, you have to pay for two years up front, which is like $480 (or you can pay that in two installments of $240). A few of us at the office have been thinking about signing up, so I made an appointment and went down to check it out late this afternoon. When I asked about how many people could get this special rate/deal, they told me they might be able to do something like an additional 10% discount (per person) on top of the $20 per month deal, if we had four people sign up at the same time. So, if you've ever thought of joining Orion, now's the time. Holla at your boy for reals. Let's get skinny, MFs!!

When I arrived for my tour, dude gives me a clipboard to fill out one of those questionnaires about my 'fitness goals' (you know the ones) while I wait for chick to come show me around and answer my questions. I thought about just writing "DANGEROUSLY RAPID WEIGHT LOSS" across the top of the questionnaire, and leaving it at that, but I had nothing else to do while waiting in the lobby for chick. So, I go ahead and fill it out. One of the goals listed on the form is weight loss. It has a blank for how much you want to lose. I put 25 lbs. Later, chick arrives and reviews my questionnaire to see what Orion can do to help me achieve my fitness goals. Here's a snippet of our convo:

Orion Employee: "I see here that weight loss is one of your goals. Well... it appears to be the only fitness goal you've checked off. So, you don't want to have more strength or more energy? What about wanting to sleep better?"
Sweet Pickles: "Ehh. I can take it or leave it."
Orion Employee: "Oh, wow, does this say you want to lose 25 pounds?"
Sweet Pickles: "Yes. Also, there wasn't a place for me to put this, but I want to lose 25 pounds in four weeks."
Orion Employee: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. First of all, where exactly do you possibly think you're going to lose 25 pounds?"
Sweet Pickles: "What do you mean?"
Orion Employee: "I mean, you don't weigh enough right now to lose 25 pounds."
Sweet Pickles: "I don't understand."
Orion Employee: "Most people your size come in here wanting to gain weight. "
Sweet Pickles: "Huh?"
Orion Employee: "You're body isn't carrying enough excess weight for you to drop 25 pounds."
Sweet Pickles: "What did you say? I can't hear you."
Orion Employee: "What do you weigh right now? Like 140?"
Sweet Pickles: "I'm not sure of the exact number, but I'm pretty sure it's close to 555-CALL-ME."

P.S. - My other reason for liking this place is because they have tshirts that say "Look Good Naked." Thank you! Everytime I say I need to lose weight, and people like chick get all confused, that's what I say... "Uh, you haven't seen me naked. Lately." Euhhhhh!

My New Favorite World Leader

Although she's been in office for months already, my new favorite world leader is the Argentine president, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner. I'm not at all familiar with any of Señora Presidente's policy positions. What I do know is, the world would be much better off with more lookers running the show. ¡Viva los lindos!

My new favorite thing is...

finger condoms!

I'd never even heard of these before. Earlier today when the team of would-be surgeons was working on my thumb, the first-aid kit had these things inside. They're like latex gloves, but for individual fingers. They come rolled up, so they look like teeny-tiny condoms. Most of you can already figure out how much fun Sweet Pickles is going to be having with these.

"Hey. I was at the clinic the other day, and they were giving out these free condoms. Obviously I can't use them, but I got some for you."

Were you aware that...

Donna Summer's got a new CD out?!?! Who knew? The song Stamp Your Feet is my new favorite song. Now that's something I can spin to!! You should totally check it out on iTunes. Right now.

Also, Donna is looking guh-rate these days. Sweet Pickles says: "Good for you Donna Summer, you sexy old person!!" I hope I look that good when I'm her age (60), thirty-one years from now. Euhhhhh!!

In case you needed it...

Here's some scientific proof (from my favorite member of Texans Interested in Top Shows) that Sweet Pickles' milkshake is, in fact, better than yours.

It just keeps getting better...

M-Shan put me onto two more spin-offs of the "Stuff White People Like" franchise...

"Stuff Nobody Likes"  (Boo, Hitler!)

"White Stuff People Like" (Yay, swans!)

Check them out.  Links are under my "Other Blogs" section in the sidebar.

My latest guilty pleasure...

Keeping Up With the Kardashians on E!

Hell to the yeah!

If you like "Stuff White People Like," you'll love "Stuff Jewish Young Adults Like!"  Here's just a small taste to whet your appetite...

"Jews vote.  A lot."

P.S. - If you like "Giorgio," you'll love "Primo!"

Just heard...

on The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer...

an interview conducted with someone named Mark Jurkowitz (it sounds just like it looks).

I had to google him to get the exact spelling, but apparently Mr. Jurkowitz is the Associate Director of the Project for Excellence in Journalism (PEJ). Impressive-sounding title, but I don't care what you do... your last name is Jurkowitz!

I think I'm going to use this last name in my invent-a-name insults. You know, the kind when you call a drunk person something like Drinky McBoozer or Lushy van der Alcohol. Maybe someone who is an a-hole could be M.F. Jurkowitz?

My new favorite thing is...

Crystal Light's individual packets that you can add to a single bottle of water!

I'm always trying to drink more water, but that gets old so fast.

Every day at work, I'll open a new bottle of water, then continue refilling it at the waterfountain. And each time, I add a different flavor of Crystal Light. They make all kinds of cool new flavors. My favorite is the 'breakfast' flavor that tastes like Tang. I want to try the pomegranate one, but I didn't see it at the grocery store. The green tea one sounds cool, but I wonder how well that would work.

Best part = they're just five calories per packet. Five calories, fool!

http://www.kraftfoods.com/CrystalLight/home4.htm

My new favorite thing is...

Squidbillies!

Has anyone seen this? It's an animated show on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. I think it airs on Sunday nights. I'm not sure how new this is, but I only recently discovered its greatness. Most of the main characters are a family of redneck squids (living somewhere in rural Georgia, I believe).

This clip is the show's intro theme. I only regret that it does not feature my favorite character, Granny.