Sweet Pickles

Never Can Say Goodbye

Me and Gloria Gaynor.  Every end-of-the-semester Farewell Dinner with our departing students is always bittersweet, but this semester's was the toughest.  Students brought cards and gifts for their teachers (Sweet Pickles got a leather pen/pencil case that has yurts and a camel on it!).  We had a trip down memory lane with a slide-show of pictures from throughout entire semester (our Welcome Dinner on the riverboat seems like it was just yesterday).  We watched a video of the movie written and performed by B-Shed's drama class (A Fire in Guesscannon).  Another class performed Christmas carols they had learned, accompanied on the violin by their teacher, M-Dev.  Hundreds of photographs were taken.  And, although I've been knowing lots and lots of Nihonjin for a long time now, I had never seen so much as a Japanese child actually cry in front of people, until tonight.  One of my favorite students of this semester was so emotional that he set off the rest of the Japanese students from my class.  I mean, red-eyed and puffy-nosed, hugging with tears streaming down faces.  Later, in a completely unfamiliar gesture, he took my hand in both of his, bowed and pressed his forehead to it, and told me "Domo arigato gozaimasu."  Much like the Japanese themselves, Sweet Pickles is typically not much of a crier (the public expression of emotion is jado... something that isn't done, or bad form), but I almost lost it. 

At the risk of inflating what I do for a living, I can't help but feel that my colleagues and I are lucky to be involved in something special.  Not only will each of these young people return to their home countries with positive impressions of our country, they'll also take home some personal understanding of each others' countries.  In this single picture, I recognize Argentine, Chinese, Costa Rican, Dominican, Filipino, Haitian, Japanese, Jordanian, Korean, Libyan, Lao, Mexican, Mongolian, Panamanian, Taiwanese, Uruguayan, and Venezuelan faces (and that's not all of them!).  I only wish I had had the opportunity to teach each and every one of them.  In addition to Gloria Gaynor, I also agree with Louis Armstrong... what a wonderful world!

Last Day

Got back a while ago from the health center, where I received two shots in my ass and a prescription.  Fingers crossed, because I do not want to miss our end-of-the-semester Farewell Dinner party for all our students who will be returning to their home countries. 

I administered my last final exam at 8:00am this morning.  The students were free to leave whenever they finished testing.  I started grading the exams as students submitted them and departed.  When the last student finally turned his exam in, I wrapped up the one I was grading, and gathered my stuff to clear out of the classroom.  When I stepped out into the hallway, all 13 of them (even those who finished the earliest) were waiting together to surprise me.  They had made this amazing birthday card for me!  They had drawn and cut out gingerbreadmen-like figures of me dancing.  In addition to writing "Kaja," "Soh bah," "Yalla," "Vamos," and "Ikimasho" all over it, they each penned a sweet personal message to me.  I hugged each of them individually, and then one last time, altogether we chanted, "Kaja!  Soh bah!  Yalla!  Vamos!  Ikimasho!"  What a really awesome way to end what has been my favorite semester of teaching.

Now, I'm off to the pharmacy to fill that prescription!

Kaja! Soh bah! Yalla! Vamos! Ikimasho!

That's how you say "Come on!  Let's go!" in Korean, Chinese, Arabic, Spanish, and Japanese.  I've said it so much over the past three months that all 13 of my students can recite them in unison. 

It's the last day of classes, and I am an emotional wreck!  Eleven of my babies are leaving after final exams next week, and one of the returnees will be advancing to the next level when we come back in January.  When I think back to this summer, and how down I was on the idea of teaching Beginners again, I could kick myself.  This group has been the most satisfying language class that I have ever taught.  Almost every day was magical, and the fact that I got through a whole semester without wanting to slap a single one of them is a first for me.

For our last hour together, I took one student's previous suggestion for us to do a 'circle writing' together.  So, I found three photos of each student from this past semester (plus our big class picture of the whole group) and printed them off together nice cardstock.  In class, our final written assignment was to write a nice memory about each person on the pack of his or her sheet.  This took AN HOUR (because the female students have feelings, and need to express them).  I didn't want to read their messages to each other, but as I circulated around the classroom, I couldn't help but notice this one:

"Dear Pablo, on first day we got our desks you sitted too near to me.  I liked it.  Thank you, Minako"

Afterward, we took our final group picture together (when I get home later, I'll try to remember to go back and upload the photo).  Then, several of the students asked me to do my dance moves for them one last time (apparently, I dance in class a lot more than I ever realized).  One Japanese girl said, "Thank you for dancing for us, Sweet Pickles!"  And I said, "Thank you for recognizing!"

Friday Wrap-Up

Got assy last night for R-Fuen's birthday at T-War's house.  Sluts have GOT to stop having shit on Tuesday or Thursday evenings... why can't more weeknight boozing be happening on Monday or Wednesday evenings, when Sweet Pickles ain't gotta teach until 4:00pm the next day?  You know Sweet Pickles can't say no, so it's kinda unfair to keep making him get drunk the night before a 3-hour class at 9:00am.  Shame on you!  At least my liver wasn't alone in its misery this morning.  By the time I headed into the classroom, I still hadn't seen JustJess (which is rare).  N-Lope rolled in with a pint of Gatorade.  Pointing at my bloodshot eyes, I asked him, "How do you like my eyeballs?"  He replied, "How do you like my voice?  I sound like a funeral director."

On a test in my American Culture class, there was a question that said America's capital city is named after __________, who was the first president of the United States.  Six of the thirteen students (not including the group's single Spanish-speaker) wrote "Jorge Washington."  I suspect that the spelling confusion came from a Mexican student in our program, whose name is Jorge but calls himself by the English version (George) in his classes.  I think many of my students know him as George, but see his name written as Jorge.  Regardless, I got tickled thinking of Georges Bush fils, Wilhelm Clinton, Giorgio Bush il Vecchio, Ronaldo Reagan, etc.

In case you haven't been keeping up with Shit My Dad Says recently, I think I might like Uncle Bob as much as Justin's father. 

Uh, where the hell has Will Cooley Fan Club been lately?  If this hiatus is some coy ploy to leave 'em wantin' more, it's working.  Sweet Pickle is jonesing!

Frenchie sent me the second trailer for Jersey Shore (below), which I hadn't seen.  I'll leave you with this:  "I don't have to do what I don't wanna do.  I'm a bartender.  I do, you know, great things."

Ya know what I love?

Myself!  Am I the most awesome instructor ever, or WHAT?!?!  But my real love is international students.  Today (the first Tuesday or Thursday on which it wasn't flooding during the past six weeks), I took one of my classes downtown to execute their 'Free Hugs' experiment.  Every Tuesday and Thursday, they were always disappointed that we'd have to postpone because of the crappy weather, but in the van on the way downtown this afternoon, I could tell they were all nervous.  Riding shotgun, up front next to the driver, I sounded like my mother... "You'll do fine.  Everyone will love you.  You'll have a great time."  And they did.  They totally got into it, and didn't want to leave when it was time to return to campus.  I told them, "Damn!  Y'all sure do love hugging strangers!"  I was so proud of them!  I can't wait to read their reports.  Check out the rest of the pics (including the "awww-inspiring" action shots) on my Facebook page.  We are the world, bitches!  P.S. - Have I used enough exclamation points in this post?

 

 

Fun with Americans!

Off and on this weekend, I've been grading (or rather, commenting on), and been getting a great deal of pleasure from, an assignment that my beginning-level students' did last week.  In response to a chapter in our textbook about American names, I created a little activity in which each student would have to go out and interview five Americans about their names.  At the time, I had no idea of the great responses this would yield, but will definitely be trying this again in future classes!

Each student had to pose these three questions to five different Americans, and note their answers on a little chart:  What is your first name?  What is the meaning of that name?  Why did your parents choose that name?  In particular, the responses my students reported for the third question (about reasons) were either fun, baffling, or downright cool.  I'm curious to find out what my students' thoughts were!  Here's a sampling...

Why did your parents choose that name?

Charles - "have no idea"
Joshua- "his father is pastor"
Marlon - "named after Jackson 5 member"
Brandy - "her father like wine"
Tiffany - "parents are lazy"
[several respondents] - "grandmother's maiden name"
Britny - "named after an eighties rock band named Britny Foxx"
Haley - "Italy hero"
Tyler - "alcoholics"
Jacob - "God told to parents"

What Not to Do in Foreign Countries

Next week, my advanced-plus classes will be embarking upon field studies based upon cultural differences.  They will intentionally and consistently repeat some action that is natural in their native cultures but would be considered "norm violations" here.  They will have to observe reactions of the Americans they interact with, and draw conclusions to report.  I am having them develop proposals for their projects, and shared a couple of similar experiments I had to conduct as an undergraduate (holding a handshake for 3 seconds after the other person releases, and not turning around to face the doors upon entering a crowded elevator) and a few of my own funny experiences about being a foreigner in Japan, to get them thinking. 

Which brings me to the point... a call for ideas!  I'd like to compile some concepts, in the event that some among the 25-30 of them can't come up with something original and/or 'do-able'.  Do any of you have amusing experiences of cultural differences from your own travel experiences that you'd be willing to share?  Or any intriguing encounters with foreigners here in the U.S.?  When it comes to the thousand things you aren't supposed to do with chopsticks, I've got that covered.  But it can't really be turned into an experiment to conduct here, because 99% of Americans don't get it anyway.  Now, as for stumbling upon Muslims with their feet hiked up into the lavatories of public restrooms, that is one of my experiences that could become an experiment worth trying! 

A Day in the Life of One of the Nation's Top Party Schools

This afternoon, I took my highest-level students on a pre-arranged visit to sit in on a friend's real live class here at Ye Olde Academic Sweat Shoppe.  After our observation, we returned to our own classroom, where I debriefed them about their impressions.  Here's a sample of what they noticed...

The teacher was so cool!  (Uh, excuse you... you already have the coolest instructor on this campus.  Recognize.)

I can understand everything the teacher says, but I cannot understand anything when the students speak.  (You, me, and the course's instructor.  Unfortunately, the official enrollees probably need Intensive English classes more than any of my group does.)

The topic was so interesting!  I want to know more about it!  Maybe I will have this class in the future!  (Agreed.  It wasn't art history, but it was pretty interesting.  And where is this kind of enthusiasm among our native-born students?)

Only we are taking notes.  All the students, they never write anything when the teacher is speaking.  (They only kind of class-related writing most of them do is emails of complaint after failing tests.)

When the teacher asks questions, [one of us] gives more answers than the official students.  (Even though we had missed all of the previous lectures, and did not do the pre-assigned readings, we were as prepared to participate and contribute to the class discussion as 99% of those actually taking the class for credit.)

All the students use their cell phones to do text messaging and look at internet.  (I stand corrected:  In addition to emails of complaint after failing tests, the other kind of class-related writing they do is Facebook status updates during lectures.) 

I left feeling appreciative that this kind of shite is no longer what I have to put up with 9 hours per week every semester.  Adjuncting a course here and there in my former department is perfect... enough to keep me mentally engaged with Art-with-a-capital-'A', but not so much as to require blood pressure medicine.  To my pedagogical partners-in-crime here at Ye Olde Academic Sweat Shoppe, I hope that, one day, you may have one of the students in my group in one of your classes.  If and when that day comes, don't sweat the language 'barrier'... it's much easier to deal with than the attitude barrier that you confront every day!

On a side note...

Walking across campus, on our way to the lecture hall where my friend's class meets, I told one of my students that I heard he might be leaving soon, and asked if he was going back to his home country.  Turns out, he's transferring to Ye Olde Academic Sweat Shoppe's intrastate rival (he has a friend there).  Disapprovingly, I asked if he had ever visited the town where that university is located.  And without missing a beat, he deadpans, "Yeah.  It was a tough decision.  I'll miss the warm beer and all the bars closing at midnight here."  HA!!  (I am always impressed by people who are able to be funny in a foreign language.)  But his response also made me a little sad.  Not only do I regret that we'll be losing a smartass like him, but what is really depressing is how this town must appear through the eyes of some international students (or other Americans, for that matter).  Sure, if you're visiting from a totalitarian dictatorship, I can see how our town would seem appealing.  But if you're coming in from a NATO ally, it fails to attract.  And I can't argue with that.  If I wanted religiously-inspired legal restrictions on my access to alcohol in a remote small town, I'd apply to the University of Qom.  What I don't get is how we are consistently able to qualify as a 'party school'.

It was my idea...

A student of mine just sent me these pictures from this past summer.  On the bus ride back from our daytrip to Memphis, two of my Mexican students (the class intellect and the class heartthrob) fell asleep.  I talked the class smartass into drawing on their faces.  At the time, T-War asked me, "How old are you?"  [Answer: 29]  The class leader offered her eyeliner pencil.  The class clown took the pictures.  The whole class was involved, it was a class project!  I miss those niños... they were the best part of Summer 2009!

Okay, I'll admit it...

I have a pretty cool job.  Tonight was our semesterly Welcome Party, where we kick things off with a riverboat dinner cruise on the Mississippi. 

As with every new cohort of incoming students, the Muslim students must proudly explain that they don't eat pork ("I know, sweetie.  Me neither.")  One of my beginning-level students from Japan, who wants so badly to chat it up but doesn't have enough English yet, said to me "Sweet Pickles!  You are my teacher!"  I said, "Yes, I am.  And you are my student."  To which he replied, "Yes, yes.  This is good."   Later, a girl from Argentina got up on stage with the band and sang La Bamba for us.  Then we did a conga line to Hot Hot Hot around the entire dining room.  Loading everyone back onto the buses to return to campus, a Korean student asked me, "Where are we going now?"  She and her friend were devastated that we were going back to campus (did she think we were headed to the club?) 

More so than even New Year's Day, the start of the fall semester for me has always been the season of new beginnings. 

It's that time of year again.

I went up to the office after lunch today, and managed to do my semi-annual pre-semester desk cleaning and stock a separate tote bag for each of my 5 classes, all in record time.  Sweet Pickles can organize like nobody's business!  However, I'm not fooling myself that the results will survive more than a day or two.  But it feels good to face the new semester with a clean (literally) slate.

Despite my previous pessimism about my classes this semester, I'm starting to get excited.  I worried that teaching so many beginning-level classes would mean that I'd have large enrollments of homogeneous (probably Korean girls) students.  But so far, my group is only 13 students, and we've got a great mix:  7 girls and 6 boys, from Ecuador (1), Japan (6), Jordan (1), South Korea (2) Taiwan (2), and Turkey (1).  I already met each of them individually on Thursday or Friday during their placement testing.  [Note:  During the speaking interviews, I got my first response to ever include a reference to MacGyver.]  And after receiving their schedules and textbooks, they didn't appear disappointed about their level, but rather excited to have gotten me as a teacher.  Since I'll be teaching their oral/aural sequence (rather than their literacy sequence), they won't come to dread my classes as quickly as they normally do, since there is usually less homework for those classes.  But still, Sweet Pickles will probably find a way to assign more homework than even their literacy teachers.  You know how he do.

On the way to campus this afternoon, I stopped to pick up a Caesar salad for lunch to eat at my desk while organizing.  The traffic confirmed for me that it really is that time of year again.  Not just the number of cars on the roads, but the number of out-of-state license plates that don't yet know where they're going.  And now as I sit on my back porch typing this, the amount of fallen leaves all over the patio furniture are telling me, "Yeah, the traffic wasn't lying.  It's that time of year again."  And I can't remember who it was that had led me to believe that we would have fewer home games this football season, but I saw the schedule and we've got more home games than away games.  And, most of those come in chunks of 3 weekends in a row!  In a normal year, this news would make my ass bleed, but considering that our team is ranked #6 in the nation going into the season, I anticipate having to invest in some Depends to make it through December. 

The most delightful read you'll have all year! Or maybe EVAH!

On Facebook, one of my students posted a link to a group blog (link below) that he and 3 other Latin American/Caribbean students did as part of a intercultural awareness course they did this summer for a colleague of mine.  The kid who posted the link could probably never imagine what a gift this is for me.  Reading through their postings, I got two things:  all choked up reading about their insights and their experiences here, and goosebumps realizing how lucky I am to get paid to be a part of something so amazing and life changing.  My only regret is that more of our students weren't involved in this particular project.  But I am now so enraptured by the idea that I'm dying to incorporate blogging into my own classes (unfortunately, I'm only teaching oral/aural classes next semester).  Regardless, reading this has done more to reinvigorate me for the upcoming semester than anything else in the past three months.  And, at their ages, they're living the experience I always dreamed of, but was too afraid (what would happen to my popularity if I left for a year?) to try.  The authors (my babies) are observant, witty, poignant, and inspiring.  Let me entice you with a few highlights...

"we enjoyed that day because the same night we went to Memphis, to I night club caled "125", it is located in Beale Street. Everything happened that night don't think bad, nothing inappropriate happened), but I need to say, it was incredible."

"When I get in my room at [an on-campus dormitory], everything was a disaster in there: clothes for all the room and I meet to my roommate two days later because he do not comes to spleep.  But when I meet him, he looks like a very good guy, he is from Florida and is studing Bussiness with Chinesse.  In the early days, I cal him many different ways, and I always had to apologize for that, but he was very comprehensive."

"I remember that my first think that I orders in [the campus cafeteria] was "Kitchen" instead of "chicken" it was so hilarious! The other funny thing was the first day on the gym, went we look at what we had gained, we prefer do not eat to much!!"

"July 4 or Independence Day and also my birthday is a good memory. That day my friends give me a birthday cake at 2:00 am, it was really funny because [Arab student] call me telling me that [Latina student] was very sick and they need to go to the hospital, but inmediatly I noticed that is was a joke so I take my time (around 15 minutes), so when I reach to the lobby, [Latina student] was upset because if it was real, she had died, hahaha"

"I'm going to talk a little bit about my feelings, yes, my feelings what!?  I also had love experiences here, not very well but I had. I met I guy (whose name I'm not going to mention) who drive me crazy when I saw him, but the problem was that he likes one of my friend and he best friend likes me!, it almost like a soap-opera"

"So, I've a special thinking for all the people with who I'm involved in this experience. From my own family and friends, to the great World Learning family united in his diversity, from the warm and generous [the department in which Sweet Pickles is employed] staff, to [Ye Olde Academic Sweat Shoppe] in itself, I say you're all the precious pearls of an unique  chain of solidarity. I've also a special thinking to my country. I 'm convicted that the new generation to which I belong will make the necessary efforts in order to engage from now on in the ways of global progress. Thank you."

So, if you could use a little hope for the future of the world, or just need a pick-me-up going into Fall semester, I highly recommend the all-too-brief Summer Rebels.  Use the navigational sidebar at left to read about each of the four.  But be forewarned, it'll probably make you jealous of what Sweet Pickles does for a living!  And, if there's any kind of comments option on my babies' blog, please don't avail yourselves of it... I don't want them to feel inhibited about this kind of project.  But I just had to share.  After you read about them, I know you'll heart them as much as I do!

With that, your host is officially Audi 500 until (at least) Tuesday afternoon.  Earlier this evening, on the way to hamburgers and roller skating with my babies (to celebrate the end of August intersession), I picked up the latest copies of all 5 books of Brad Bagby's Torah:  People, Vanity Fair, Esquire, Details, and Entertainment Weekly.  And if the weather in Florida isn't conducive to trashy reading on the beach, I've brought along plenty of Music Slut questions to test the rest of the sluts in Perdido for some indoor fun!

Favorite FB Posting of the Day

Loved this.  A former Japanese student (female) of mine wrote this on the wall of another former Japanese student (female) of mine:

Hey!! Whats up?
I dont see you on facebook. How r u doing??
I heard you got skinny again.

Girl ain't been on Facebook 'cause her skinny new self has probably been out there gettin' hers, duh!  Sad corollary:  Sweet Pickles HAS been on Facebook and has NOT been getting skinny again.

I like my lady leaders a little on the badass side!

Wednesday in my International Relations class for the Mexican students, each had to give a small presentation about a female political leader of the 20th or 21st century.  After everyone had finished telling the group about the different presidents and prime ministers, I posed the question:  "If we had to elect one of these people to become the leader of our class, for whom would you vote, and why?"  The options were:  Corazon Aquino, Violetta Chamorro, Benazir Bhutto, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, Angela Merkel, and Margaret Thatcher (there had been a few other possibilities, but these are the ones they each selected to learn about).  Their responses really impressed me.  After all 7 of the students had voted, the results were:

Violetta Chamorro - 1
Angela Merkel - 3
Margaret Thatcher - 3

To break the tie, they insisted that I cast the deciding vote.  I hemmed and hawed, discussing what I liked about each, detailing why it was difficult to choose one.  But, of course, I eventually came down to either Thatcher or Meir with Merkel a close third (after all, I'm both a Saxon and a Jew), explaining how significant I felt it was that both Thatcher and Meir had demonstrated that women can be successful as commanders-in-chief.  Certainly the Yom Kippur War outweighs the Falklands War in terms of military crises, but since Meir had no chance of winning our class election, I went with Thatcher.  If only the Tories had been as smart as my students (John Major?  Please.), the Iron Lady might still be kicking ass and taking names!

¡Viva Ecuador!

Thursday evening, several of us took the visiting Ecuadorian faculty and staff out for a night of grownup fun on the back porch of a local watering hole.  I guess I should have known what the night had in store when, after only an hour and a half, they were serenading the crowd with Spanish songs. 

Early on, N-Lope asked the group to tell us about themselves.  The math professor among them (think Cuban band leader more than stereotype of a math professor... we'll call him Juan) volunteered to start the introductions, because he had previously practiced introducing himself on the first day of his Intensive English classes.  He began, "My name is Juan, and I like X."  Sweet Pickles got very excited, and was thinking that Pablo might be his new favorite Ecuadorian, before we determined that he in fact enjoyed los huevos instead of la droga sintética.  Then,the question became, how much do you love eggs that it would be one of the most basic facts of your identity when meeting new people?  Juan said he didn't know the relevant English words to enumerate his specific interests, hobbies, and preferences, so he had simply chosen something from the vocabulary that he did remember.  This made sense to Sweet Pickles, because if I was having to accomplish the same task in Spanish, it would sound something like this:  "Mi nombre es Salmueras Dulces.  Me gustan abrigos y agua." 

Eventually, there emerged a consensus for karaoke, but by that time, only an hour remained before closing time.  So, the entire group (plus a few locals who had joined our merry band on the porch) transferred the action over to the home of T-War so that the festivities could continue.  [Note: Sweet Pickles was not only impressed by T-War's generosity, but by the fact that her house was clean enough to have over a dozen unexpected guests over at a moment's notice!  Sweet Pickles needs at least a half-hour's lead time to clear out all the empty booze bottles and random underwear before people can come over.]

At T-War's the fun only intensified.  At one point, I was outside in her backyard, and through her windows, the dancing in her kitchen and living room looked like Rio during Carnival.  When the beer ran out, Sweet Pickles wasn't ready to cease and desist, so he switched over to the red wine (bad idea).  When I finally got home at 4:00am, I was asking myself in amazement, "What just happened?"  Magic, that's what happened.  Take it from Sweet Pickles... wherever they find themselves, Ecuadorians bring the par-tay.  Gringos got schooled in how to do it right.  They weren't messing around.  Ecuador just might be Sweet Pickles' new favorite country.

You and me both, sister.

On Tuesday night, I saw that a former ESL student of mine had posted this status update on Facebook:

"I AM SO TIERD OF FUCKING EVERYONE!!!I AM TIERD!!!I HAD ENOUGH!!!"

I hear ya, sister.  People don't realize what hard work sluttin' it up is.  Most days, I'm exhausted by noon.  But if you want to be an expert at your craft, you've got to put in the work every day.  Very few of us are born good-in-bed... most spend years to refine their skills.  So, stay focused, and don't give up!

Today, I noticed that the student had posted this status update on Facebook:

"MY STATUS THE OTHER DAY SUPPOSE TO SAY: I AM FUCKING TIERD OF EVERYONE!!!I AM TIERD!!!I HAD ENOUGH!!!THIS IS THE RIGHT VERSION!"

Oh.  Okay, never mind.  Apparently you were disliking everybody.  Sweet Pickles has the opposite problem... he love everybody long time.

io amo gli italiani !

You know what puts me in a good mood?  Italian people.  From Lake Como to Palermo, they are a nation of shrinkers (i.e., delightful individuals whom Sweet Pickles wishes he could shrink and carry around in his pocket to pull them out whenever I need a pick-me-up)!

Of all the incoming international students we tested yesterday and today, the sole Italian was all that it took to turn the whole experience from drudgery into a pleasure.  My colleagues and I were working in pairs to interview over 70 language-learners in order to assess their proficiency levels.  Mostly, it's a torturous business, but my partner and I had the random good fortune to land this Sicilian.

All the faculty and staff ate lunch together today, and were debriefing each other on the morning's events.  N-Lope observed, "Y'all were in there a really long time with him!"  That's because the two 'warm-up'/practice questions (What is the weather like today?  What are your plans for the rest of the day?) turned into an actual conversation, and he was impossible to stop without being rude.  I especially remember his weather response:  "Is very very hot!  Too much!  How can I say... the skin, she is wet, all the time!" 

I asked my lunching counterparts if any of them had ever watched an Italian in one of these speaking-testing interviews.  They were like, "Watched???  We've only been listening.  What is there to look at?"  A LOT.  The gestures, the body movements, the facial expressions.  This guy actually got up out of his chair twice during the interview. 

During the 'warm-up'/practice questions before the test officially began, he was devastated to learn that I am an art historian who has never been to Italy.  "Is not possible.  You must come now, because you have a friend!"  [We had just met 5 minutes ago.]  Once the test got under way, I don't think he really ever cared that he was being evaluated... he was just really excited to meet my colleague and me, and wanted to chat. 

On one question in the test, students must cancel an appointment with an imaginary friend by pretending to call the friend to apologize and explain their situation.  The Sicilian, with his hand to his ear mimicking a telephone, calls me by name:  "Sweet Pickles, I cannot go walk with you in the park today.  Enrique call me.  His girlfriend, she break with him.  He so sad now.  I must go to him.  But tomorrow... tomorrow we can.  Is okay?"  And he's waiting for me to respond.  In all the thousands of times I have ever asked this question, no student has ever asked me to become directly involved in his or her answer.  Equally unique, no student has ever used romantic troubles in their invented excuses for this question. 

After the 25 minutes we spent together in that classroom (the testing interview normally takes about 10 minutes), he hugged and kissed my colleague and me on his way out.

"This won't be on the vocabulary test."

Yesterday, one of my favorite former ESL students (we'll call him Heinrich from Honduras) asked me...

Heinrich from Honduras:  "What means spleef?"
Sweet Pickles:  "Uh, do you mean spliff?  How was the word used in a sentence?"
Heinrich from Honduras:  "I hear it in a song.  Bob Marley say 'Excuse me while I light my spleef."
Sweet Pickles:  "Uh huh, that's what I thought you said."
Heinrich from Honduras:  "What it means?"
Sweet Pickles:  [demonstrates universal hand-gesture for ganja times]
Heinrich from Honduras:  "Oh yeah, this what I think."
Sweet Pickles:  "Out of all your teachers, why are you asking me this question?"
Heinrich from Honduras:  " 'Cause you know a lot about music."
Sweet Pickles:  "Mmm hmm.  I know a lot about opera, but you never ask me what aria means."
Heinrich from Honduras:  "Also I am confident with you now."
Sweet Pickles:  "Mmm hmm.  Well, I don't have any, if that's why you're asking."

A little sweetness to start your day!

How's this for a pick-me-up?  Enjoy!

Download Yesterday(final)

Sweet Pickles' good deed for the day.

On Facebook, I saw that one of my international students had done that "What's your Japanese name" generator, which appears to 'Nipponify' your name by syllabizing it according to the phonemic index of Japanese.  The first syllables of his name had been transliterated as "hen-tai" (which, in Japanese, is also a slang compound-word meaning "sexually perverted").  Though purely coincidental (albeit hilarious), it wasn't long before this not-Japanese student's new Japanese name had attracted the notice of his Japanese (and some American) friends.  I felt compelled to send him a message with a Wikipedia link explaining the meaning of hentai.  To which he responded:

DEAR SWEET PICKLES,
REALLY MAN....????
ohhhh i'm gonna delete for sure!
thanks sweet pickles...i appreciated.

How lovable is this???

For my Pronunciation class, students have been submitting their final projects. Each student was required to select an English-language song to practice, and either perform it for us during the Final Exam period, or submit a recording of them singing it. This one that I received this morning made my day. Not only does the student play guitar in addition to singing his selection, but wait 'til you hear the song he chose. It's stuff like this that reminds me how lucky I am to be doing what I do for a living. Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out how to embed the video here, but trust me... it's worth downloading!

Download MOV02324

Who can argue with "today's best hits?"

This morning, a couple of my fellow instructors and I took our Speaking & Listening classes to the local pottery-painting studio for a field trip to decorate 4" x 4" ceramic tiles with a design that combines representations of their home countries and the U.S.  It's for a presentation project, but makes for nice mementos. 

In the university van on the way back to campus, we were driven by one of the KAs who are our student workers, and I was riding shotgun.  As the driver scanned through radio stations, one of my students leans forward excitedly when the scanning briefly stops on 97-point-something.  "It's Q-97-point-something!!"  I don't listen to music on the radio much, so I raise my eyebrows at the driver.  "It's the Top 40 station.  Pop stuff," he informs me.  I turn to the student, and ask "So, is this your favorite?"  He's getting all worked up on the bench-seat behind me and the driver.  "Yes, yes.  Always I am listening to this channel every day!"  I prompt my student to ask the driver nicely if the driver too would like to listen to that station for a while.  "Of course he want listen too!  This channel have Umbrella all the time!"  And who doesn't want to listen to Rihanna's Umbrella all the time, right?  I'm trying not to let my bemusement show, because this only further agitates the already excited Rihanna fan.  "I'm sure that it's a very good radio station," I try to reassure him.  Without skipping a beat, and with all the earnestness of what I assume he's heard on the station's promos, he puts one hand on my shoulder and the other hand on the driver's, and says "It's today's best hits." 

Divertimento com estrangeiros

Tonight (at 7:30pm-10:30pm!), I gave a Final Exam.  I included a matching exercise on the test, in which I asked students to match the adjectival form of various vocabulary words with the person, place, thing, or scenario best described by that adjective.  For example:

stifling - the interior of a sauna
superfluous - a sixth finger on one hand
irrelevant - the color of the ping-pong ball during a match
harrowing - the experience of watching a horror movie
preserved - ancient artifacts inside a glass case in a museum
mainstream - pop music

You get the picture.  I had invented all of these myself.  My own personal fave was:

ubiquitous - flip-flops on a college campus

That is, until I saw the answer of one student who had matched "prostitution" not with the vocabulary word illicit, but instead with preoccupied. 

The things that make it all worthwhile

After another long semester, it's finally Final Exams Week here on campus, and the time of year when students bring me sweet little presents.  One gift (a beautiful set of handmade coasters from the student's home country) was from a student that I think most of the rest of our faculty and staff don't particularly notice, but for whom I have always had a soft spot.  She attached a Christmas card that read:

"If I were asked to describe a teacher, I would choose you.  Looks like a militarian with short hair, but highly sensitive with sense of art.  Aggressive questions make me nervous everytime.  Nice but strict, his perfect preparation for class and skillful teaching captivate many students.  Culture, art, linguistics, his wide knowledge attracts me as well.  Even though learning foreign languages is a long boring journey, his class is like fresh oxygeon.  I want to remember you as a great teacher and say thank you."

LOVE. HER.

And after all is said and done, I also love my job.

P.S. - It's nice to be appreciated for something other than my looks, my wealth, or my skills in bed.  But me, "sensitive"???

Unfortunately, the other kind is never free... just ask Robert Downey, Jr. in "Less Than Zero"

Yesterday morning, in my Advanced Speaking & Listening class, I was reviewing our weekly 'Monday Memo' with the students.  The 'Memo' contains announcements and other info that our program needs to communicate to the students.  One announcement was informing students of some upcoming social event that promised "free pizza and coke."  The uncapitalized C made me do a double-take (and raised my own personal interest in attending this particular social function), but I doubted that any students would notice anything odd about it.  Minutes later, as we finished up the 'Memo'...

Sweet Pickles:  "Does anybody have any questions?"

Male Student from Latin America:  "So... coke... means like Coca-Cola?"

Sweet Pickles:  "Yeah.  I'm sorry."

What's the meth capital of my state??

This is one of the most clever things I've seen on SNL in a long time. Monday afternoon, a colleague used this clip in her ESL class about American Presidential Elections, but ended up having to explain what 'boner-shrinker' meant.

Just another manic Wednesday

At the 8:30 spin class this morning, the mix tape had three songs by Norah Jones.  Norah Frickin' Jones!  I nap to Norah Jones, people!!  I like her music, but come on.  Are the spin 'instructors' at Orion trying to piss me off? 

Today at ESL, we're having our International Potluck Luncheon, where everybody makes and brings a dish from their home countries.  Downstairs, our conference room is starting to fill up with all kinds of delicious smells, including a lot of treyf-ass temptations like homemade tamales.  My colleague from Louisiana brought shrimp creole. 

I made chili last night (because my nationality is Texan), which is always a hit with our Latin American students.  I made a lot, because I anticipate that it will be popular with the Turks as well since it's beef (it's what's for dinner!).  This group of Turks seems hyper-sensitive to porcine possibilities lurking in unsuspected places (yesterday in class, they were worried about Lifesaver mints).  When they want to explain to me about how they can't have pork, I believe they think I'm impressed.  But I know about the relatively simple dietary restrictions of halal.  So, I'm like "Fools, please!  Can you mix meat and dairy products?  Then shut the hell up!" 

Sweet Pickles so pretty!

During a 10-minute break halfway through class this afternoon, I was erasing the chalkboard.  One student lingered around.  Here's a snippet of the conversation...

Chinese grad student:  "Where you are from?"
Sweet Pickles:  "Texas."
Chinese grad student:  "No, no.  What country you originally from?"
Sweet Pickles:  "Texas."
Chinese grad student:  "Long time ago, long time ago.  Where you family live before United States?"
Sweet Pickles:  "Oh, okay.  England.  My family were originally British people.  But we came to America a long, long time ago... hundreds of years ago."
Chinese grad student:  "Ha!  I know, I know!  I guessed this!"
Sweet Pickles:  "What did you guess?"
Chinese grad student:  "That you are British people."
Sweet Pickles:  "Oh, really?  How did you guess this?"
Chinese grad student:  "Because you look like David Beckham."
Sweet Pickles:  "Yes, many people say this to me.  All the time."

Guess who is Sweet Pickles' new favorite student?

The Turkish Bread Party

Over the holiday weekend, I've spent 36.5 of the past 48 hours with the ESL students! 

Yesterday, after we returned from Memphis, I agreed to take three of our Turks to Wal-Mart to buy bread for all the rest of the Turks.  They explained to me how they needed bread, and they needed bread now.  And lots of it.  I jokingly began referring to this weird craving as 'The Turkish Bread Party'.  But once we got there, they bought a lot more than just baguettes. 

After two weeks of hearing how much the Turks hate American food, how it makes them throw up, how wonderful Turkish food is, how badly they miss Turkish food, I was amused by the contents of their shopping carts:  Coca-Cola and Sprite, TV dinners, Swiss Rolls, Nutella, and Pringles.  Really?  So, despite how much I like these guys, I will be giving them a very hard time over the next several weeks.

¡Diversión con los extranjeros!

This past week, my Reading & Writing class was reading through a description of Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's Travels when we cam across the fanciful, invented names of the fictional cities in the story, including Laputa.  For the Costa Rican, the Ecuadorian, and the five Mexican students in the class, this was the greatest thing they'd ever seen. 

In Spanish language, la puta means "the whore."  Until I acknowledged this publicly, and explained it to the Japanese, the Sudanese, and the two Korean students, we would be unable to proceed with our lessons.  So, I wrote on the board la puta = the whore.  Then, I let the Spanish speakers ask their classmates how to say "whore" in Japanese, Arabic, and Korean.  This was entirely necessary because of the perceived unfair advantage these students had over the Spanish-speaking students after learning the kind of vital information that makes studying any foreign language worthwhile, and the imbalance had to be rectified. 

Eventually, the students simmered down, and calm was restored.  We returned to our lessons, and class ended shortly thereafter.  However, I forgot to erase the board.  So, when a colleague entered the classroom later, she saw la puta = the whore, and asked "What on earth are y'all learning in there???"

Getting to know your host!

For the conversation class I teach, we're going to play a questions-game later this morning.  I've selected 15 questions from a small book named If... (Questions for the Game of Life).  So that Sweet Pickles' faithful readers could get to know more about the blogger who haunts their fantasies, I thought I'd answer them myself!

1.  If you could change one physical characteristic about yourself, what would you change?

I'd shrink my ass down to human proportions. 

2.  If you could eliminate a single type of animal forever, which would you choose?

Spiders!

3.  If you could change one thing about your childhood, what would it be?

To have had a brother (in addition to my sister) would've been interesting.

4.  If you could assassinate one world leader who is alive right now, who would it be?

Oooh, tough choice... Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hillary Clinton?  I'd have to go with Kim Jong Il, because I can't look at that ridiculous hair any longer.

5.  If you could inherit a vacation home anywhere in the world in which you could spend one month each year, but that you could never sell, where would it be?

Santa Barbara

6.  If you were to be stranded forever on a deserted island and could have only one book to read, which would you want?

The Bible Madonna's Sex

7.  If you could have chosen your own first name, other than your current one, what would it be?

Hard to say, because my name is AWESOME.  Maybe David?

8.  If you were instantly able to play one musical instrument perfectly that you never have played before, what would it be?

the harp

9.  If you had to convert to a different religion, which would you choose?

Shinto

10.  If you could easily visit one known planet, which one would you go to?

Mercury, 'cause it's tiny but hot (like Sweet Pickles)

11.  If you could have been any person from history, who would you have been?

George Hamilton

12.  If you had to eliminate one season permanently (spring, summer, autumn, or winter), which one would go?

Winter, fool!

13.  If you had to be a member of another family you know, which family would you join?

The Barge Family... small-town rich, and every single one of 'em is a looker.

14.  If you were to be reincarnated as an animal, what kind would you want to be?

Kangaroo!

15.  If you had to choose someone with you right now to be president of the United States, who would you want it to be?

Sweet Pickles!  (and not just because I'm alone)

Call me 'Andre' (from "America's Most Smartest Model")

Tonight at WorldFest 2008, they needed help in the 'Parade of Nations'. Each country represented on our campus was invited to march (two people carrying that nation's flag, and a third carrying a placard with the nation's name). Apparently, there are only two Russians on campus, and one of them was the official photographer assigned to cover the entire event. Therefore, I agreed to step in. Sweet Pickles marched in the little parade, to the delight of all. When people recognized me and got excited, I would shout "From Russia with love," while giving the 'call me' sign. So long as I don't open my mouth, I could pass for Russian. But only the extremely sexy kind.

Come with!

If any locals are interested in joining Sweet Pickles for WorldFest 2008 on campus tomorrow afternoon/evening, let me know. If you want to walk over together, we can meet up at my office. Or, just look for me there!

Spaß mit Ausländern

From a brief conversation with one of my ESL students (Asian male, age 18) this afternoon...

Student: "What time you go home today?"
Sweet Pickles (nervous): "After this class. Why?"
Student: "Can I tell you a favor?"
Sweet Pickles (starting to sweat): "Okayyy."
Student: "I need a help. Can you help me get my daughter?"
Sweet Pickles (mind racing): [Daughter?!?! Did he get some co-ed here pregnant, and this is some kind of custody-battle thing? Or does he have a daughter back home, and this is some kind of political-asylum thing? And how desperate do you have to be to turn to me for help?!?!] "I think we may need to contact your embassy first! Where is she right now?"
Student: "On Highway 6."
Sweet Pickles (grabbing his car keys): "WHAT?!?! What do you mean? Is the baby alone? Next to the highway? Outside?"
Student: "Baby? What means 'baby?"
Sweet Pickles: "Your daughter!"
Student: "No, no. Not daughter. DAUGHTER."
Sweet Pickles: "Daughter?"
Student: "DAUGHTER."
Sweet Pickles: "Spell it."
Student: "Tee. Oh. Why. Oh. Tee. Aey."
Sweet Pickles: "TOYOTA?!?! You mean your car??"
Student: "Yes, yes, car. Car broken."
Sweet Pickles: "I will kill you."

Guess what Sweet Pickles is doing right now.

I'm sitting inside the campus cafeteria, helping to monitor a big exam for our ESL students. We've been here since 9:00am, but the actual test-taking got started late because so many of the students didn't arrive with their registration paperwork prepared. So, I'll probably be here until after lunch. Luckily, I've got the faculty/staff meal-plan here, so I can get something to eat when they start serving 'brunch' at 10:00. The other good thing was that I planned ahead and brought my laptop with me, so that I could get my blog on! But then at 1:30pm, I've got to meet a colleague at her storage facility because she needs Sexy Edward (my truck) to help her move a sofa. Man, this Saturday SUCKS! I need to try to do something fun tonight. AFTER I take a nap.

Gestures to avoid...

include the 'okey-dokey' hand sign (making a circle with your thumb and index fingers). In class today, I learned that this hand sign is apparently some kind of rectal reference to Germans. Who knew??

Amusement avec des Étrangers

In my glamours career as a busy language executive, I teach a wide variety of international students. After watching the American movie Legally Blonde, several students asked a question today that I never envisioned having to answer: "What means 'tighty-whitey contest'?" Uh...