Sweet Pickles

Friday Wrap-Up

Got assy last night for R-Fuen's birthday at T-War's house.  Sluts have GOT to stop having shit on Tuesday or Thursday evenings... why can't more weeknight boozing be happening on Monday or Wednesday evenings, when Sweet Pickles ain't gotta teach until 4:00pm the next day?  You know Sweet Pickles can't say no, so it's kinda unfair to keep making him get drunk the night before a 3-hour class at 9:00am.  Shame on you!  At least my liver wasn't alone in its misery this morning.  By the time I headed into the classroom, I still hadn't seen JustJess (which is rare).  N-Lope rolled in with a pint of Gatorade.  Pointing at my bloodshot eyes, I asked him, "How do you like my eyeballs?"  He replied, "How do you like my voice?  I sound like a funeral director."

On a test in my American Culture class, there was a question that said America's capital city is named after __________, who was the first president of the United States.  Six of the thirteen students (not including the group's single Spanish-speaker) wrote "Jorge Washington."  I suspect that the spelling confusion came from a Mexican student in our program, whose name is Jorge but calls himself by the English version (George) in his classes.  I think many of my students know him as George, but see his name written as Jorge.  Regardless, I got tickled thinking of Georges Bush fils, Wilhelm Clinton, Giorgio Bush il Vecchio, Ronaldo Reagan, etc.

In case you haven't been keeping up with Shit My Dad Says recently, I think I might like Uncle Bob as much as Justin's father. 

Uh, where the hell has Will Cooley Fan Club been lately?  If this hiatus is some coy ploy to leave 'em wantin' more, it's working.  Sweet Pickle is jonesing!

Frenchie sent me the second trailer for Jersey Shore (below), which I hadn't seen.  I'll leave you with this:  "I don't have to do what I don't wanna do.  I'm a bartender.  I do, you know, great things."

Is it just me...

or does Tom Petty's American Girl have the most blow-your-mind greatest lyrics EVER?  Doing a little question-development research for Music Slut, I was reminded of how great a song that still is.  It had been a while. 

I don't even know how to describe the lyrics' greatness.  Poignant?  Bittersweet?  Yearning?  It reads like literature, and sounds even better.  No matter how many times I hear it, it never fails to make my hair stand on end.  Who knew Tom Petty was such a poet?!?!

Well, she was an American girl,
raised on promises.
She couldn't help thinking
that there was a little more to life somewhere else.
After all, it was a great big world,
with lots of places to run to.
And if she had to die trying,
she had one little promise she was gonna keep.

Oh yeah, all right.
Take it easy, baby.
Make it last all night.
She was an American girl.

Well, it was kind of cold that night.
She stood alone on her balcony.
Yeah, she could hear the cars roll by,
out on 441, like waves crashing on the beach.
And for one desperate moment there,
he crept back in her memory.
God, it's so painful when something that's so close
is still so far out of reach.

Oh yeah, all right.
Take it easy, baby.
Make it last all night.
She was an American girl.

If you haven't heard it in a while, do yourself a favor.  But only listen to the originally-recorded version, none of the live performances where they've got to 'jazz it up' (ugh, you know how Sweet Pickles feels about live music!).

Feeling sad for South Korea

From the NYTimes article South Koreans Express Fatigue With a Recalcitrant North:

“We sent them food, fertilizer, factories, more than we give our own poor people,” said the South Korean, Lee Soon-hwan, a 30-year-old office worker. “And all they pay us back with is this nuclear test.”

Wow.  This quote really struck me.  Part of me feels like "Duh!  Now will you quit diddling around with Pollyanna crap like the 'Sunshine Policy' and get real (e.g., Washington's and Tokyo's Proliferation Security Initiative)?"  But the part of me that knows South Koreans' yearning for reunification can read the underlying poignancy of the quote.  Sometimes I wonder if the world wouldn't be better off in the long run if the South would just launch a full-scale invasion and get it over with.  Either way, I think that 30-year-old office worker should be the next president of South Korea.

You know who pulls? "This Life" pulls!

Did any of you ever see "This Life" on BBC America back in the day?

Although the series was created back in the mid-1990s, I very much associate it with the period 2000-2002 (which is when I was watching it), and my old apartment back when I first moved here.  The concept was very similar to "Friends," but it was a drama instead of a sitcom, and cool rather than goofy.  Before I got close with J-Klo or N-House, the cast were kinda like my first 'friends' in my new life.

That show was the first time I ever heard my all-time favorite pick-up line:  "Get your coat, love.  You've pulled."  And I remember how much I loved the theme song (another contrast with "Friends")... I haven't heard it since, and I think that if I heard it right now, I'd get all verklempt.  Apparently there's a soundtrack, but it's one of those import buys on Amazon.com that is priced in pounds sterling (Sweet Pickles ain't an international banker, yo!).  [Anyone visiting the UK between now and December: you know what to do.]

The only thing I don't love about British television is how most series don't run for very long.  I guess the upside is that they know how to quit while they're ahead, and never have to jump the shark. 

If it's available through Netflix, you should totally get it.  Let me know, and I'll bring a box of Franzia!

Bible Quote of the Day

"It is better to look good than to feel good."

Saint Fernando of Lamas

This explains a lot!

Back in the day, I remember coming across this quote while working on a research paper.  I don't even remember for which class (much less what the paper was about), but I've never forgotten the opening line.  Recently, I came across it once more in some art historical google search, and it struck me again... "Man, this guy is a genius!"

“The happiness of being envied is glamour. … Being envied is a solitary form of reassurance. It depends precisely upon not sharing your experience with those who envy you. You are observed with interest but you do not observe with interest - if you do, you will become less enviable."

    Paul Berger, “Ways of Seeing” (1972)

Great Moments in the History of Film #21

"Everything you want!"

In Sweet Pickles' opinion, "Da Nang Hooker" is one of the greatest cinematic characters ever to hit the silver screen, and the best thing about Full Metal Jacket. I wish Da Nang Hooker was a real person and had her own reality show on TV that was on every single day. A 'heads-up': Our local film festival is planning a Halloween fundraiser this fall, with a cinematic costume competition.

.

Natch.

"I think Texans have more fun than the rest of the world."

    –Choreographer (and Wichita Falls native) Tommy Tune

Slap it!

Usually, on my way to campus each morning, I stop at the Shell gas station nearest my house to get a bigass fountain drink and a candy bar for breakfast.  Yesterday, the cashier who rang me up was an attendant who always recognizes me.  She said, "How you doin' today?"  I said, "Alright, how about you?"  She sighed, and replied, "I'm here.  But I ain't slappin' it."  I said, "Me either!" 

I've adopted "slappin' it" as my official new catchphrase of the week.  You should too.

Kids these days!

For those of you who may not be down with the most current lingo of our nation’s college students, I’d like to share with you two of my new favorite expressions:

“Shit, son.”

And…

“You don’t even know!”

Frequently (but not always), these phrases are used in tandem.  Exempli gratia:

Sweet Pickles:  “Did y’all go to the Cotton Bowl?”
Greek Undergraduate:  “Shit, son.”
Sweet Pickles:  “I bet y’all had a good time in Dallas.”
Greek Undergraduate:  “Dude.  You don’t even know!”

P.S. – Later, about half an hour after this actual conversation, Sweet Pickles heard Greek Undergraduate yell across the crowded bar to his wingman, “Dude, just get an eightball!”  Out of the mouths of babes.  Although, I can't argue with the sentiment... most of life's trials and tribulations might be ameliorated if we all just got an eightball.

A little 'how-to' from Brad Bagby

I love it when people get told!

This is what Facebook is like for popular people...

Here's the transcript of an instant-messaging session I had on Facebook earlier with one of my oldest BFFs (we played soccer together the summer before 5th grade).  It might be difficult to follow because we were typing simultaneously and sometimes overlap in our responses.  Names have been redacted out, in order to protect the catty (Sweet Pickles and J-Ev) as well as the unpopular.  In it, you'll find: some useful tips, some great one-liners, and the all-time greatest mental image of Sweet Pickles EVER (you'll never be able to get it out of your head)!

J-Ev:  “SP--did i tell you that I vanquished K----- B------ from my friend list?"
Sweet Pickles:  “no. why? I need to vanquish about 50 losers from high school from mine.  Have you been getting zillions of friend requests from high school 'tards lately?”
J-Ev:  “yes I have. what's up with that?
Sweet Pickles:  “i don't know, but i've about had it. i officially hate our high school.  R—B--------??  REALLY???  I can't recall a single conversation with R—B--------.  And E--- R------ just sent me his SECOND request.”
J-Ev:  “Next it will be B----- S---------.”
Sweet Pickles:  “Guess E--- can't pick up on subtle hints, huh? At least B---- S--------- is someone i once knew well.”
J-Ev:  “i am sick of hearing about what A----- B---- Z---- is doing...”
Sweet Pickles:  “which is why i didn't accept her friend request.  her request to you seems even more baffling then hers to me.  were y'all ever tight?”
J-Ev:  “yes, i know.  J------- S----? I didn't like her.  And I really don't like J---- H-----...why is she my friend??”
Sweet Pickles:  “EXACTLY... hers was another i ignored. i actually actively dislike her still (although not to her face).  ditto here on J----  (who is pissed that I defriended her).”
J-Ev:  “why did you defriend her?  i mean, besides the obvious reason--her personality.”
Sweet Pickles:  “before things got out of hand, i tried to go through and unfriend people i should never have accepted in the first place. she's the only one who noticed, resent a request, then complained to B---- about it”
J-Ev:  “how funny. who else have you kicked out?”
Sweet Pickles:  “i can't remember who else i kicked off (because i hardly knew most of them), but i've ignored S-------- P--- too.  i mean, i liked S-------- P--- fine, but didn't even know if she was still alive really... so why would she need to know what's going on with me every day?”
J-Ev:  “thank you.  I think I need to be more selective with the friends”
Sweet Pickles:  “i did accept C---- M-----, obviously, as I really wanted to see his page. but he'll get the boot soon too probably.  some people i get requests from, i think of writing back to them "How dare you?"
J-Ev:  “B--- A----- keeps showing up in the "people you might know" section, but I am not going to make a friend request to him because of his dorkiness. Yea, C---- M----- is boring. How dare you!!! That's funny”
Sweet Pickles:  “oh, the best one yet!! R------ T------!!! What the????”
J-Ev:  “and C-------- R------“
Sweet Pickles:  “yeah, i thought you'd like "how dare you."  do NOT tell me C-------- R------ tried to friend you!”
J-Ev:  “yes, and I accepted it because I thought I had to.”
Sweet Pickles:  “sheesh!!!!”
J-Ev:  “Now I see that I don't...”
Sweet Pickles:  “here's a new tip i learned... don't click "ignore" button, just let them sit in your box forever, and that way, they can't resend!!”
J-Ev:  “Who is V------- H-----, anyway? I see her on several people's pages.”
Sweet Pickles:  “i got that one too (didn't accept). at first i couldnt figure it out, then.....  it dawned on me....  "Is this V---- A----????"  How dare she!”
J-Ev:  “How dare she indeed.  who is S----- W----- S----?”
Sweet Pickles:  “i have thought of changing my profile's name to "Sweet Pickles (not the popular guy from your high school, a different one who you don't know)"    that name vaguely rang a bell when she tried me, but i couldnt solve that one.    or how about this idea for a future response to requests....”
J-Ev:  “good lord everybody wants a piece of the pickle...”
Sweet Pickles:  “Technology certainly makes it easier to approach the throne, doesn't it?"
J-Ev:  “Yes. I do love that one, but "how dare she" is more to the point and reminds me of you with a black glove slapping someone's face.”
Sweet Pickles:  “ooooh, then i'll definitely stick with that one”

Damn you, Danny, for ruining the box-office gross!

Recently, J-Lob turned me on to a new song, Thou Shalt Always Kill by Dan le Sac featuring Scrooius P.  Said tune is pretty cool, and contains my new favorite song lyric.  But even though I love this lyric, I still can't figure out what (if anything) it means:

"Thou shalt not judge a book by its cover.  Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover."

So, does Dan le Sac (great surname, by the way) believe that Lethal Weapon had Academy Award-winning potential, but Danny Glover effed it up?  Or that Lethal Weapon might appear to be a waste-of-time if you only consider Danny Glover's performance, but in truth it's an overlooked sleeper that deserves a second look?  I don't get it.  But I like it!

Music Videos That Changed The World #22

This one's a bit boy-bandish, but I'm down with it for two reasons:

1.) Just try not shaking your ass when this one comes on at the club. Can't do it. Not possible.

2.) The lyrics. If there's anything I like better than gettin' some play, or hittin' it, it would be gettin' it on.

At least there's SOMETHING to like about the 2008 presidential election!

Yesterday afternoon before happy-hour, I managed to catch up with my old friend Jaybird. We had a great phone chat, during which he (an Austin liberal) referred to Governor Palin as a VPILF. Walking down the street on my cell phone, headed to the bar, I laughed hard enough to make people stare.



I wish I'd been clever enough at the time to ask if he agreed with me that both Mrs. Obama and Mrs. McCain would be FLILFs.





Considering that everybody involved in this election cycle (including both candidates, and Senator and Mrs. Biden, and Mr. Palin) are attractive people, Sweet Pickles should be ecstatic. I mean, whoever wins, good looks triumph. I don't know what's wrong with me!

Yeah! Back to the G7, baby!

My new favorite quote:

"As to choosing, the United States has made very clear that it is standing by the democratically elected government of Georgia," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Wednesday.

Read the whole story here.

Outhouse Poetry

Sorry it has taken me so long to post this gem... I've been bogged down in preparation my 'comps' (Monday at 8:30am). Anyway... last week at half-priced sushi, I stumbled across this at the urinal in Two Stick's men's room, and it immediately became my new favorite example of public restroom graffiti. And this sample comes from my favorite genre, multi-user haiku, in which Poet #1 publishes a line of verse, to which another poet responds with a supplementary verse, to which yet another poet responds with a conclusionary verse.

Please note the ex post facto header "brilliance below." Also, I like how the slightly misplaced question mark makes it look as if Poet #1 might have had second thoughts about how much he really liked it?



The addendum I want to see added would be: "and heterosexual women." The first of Sweet Pickles' local readers who can present photographic evidence of accomplishing this dare will win a slow dance with Sweet Pickles to Journey's Don't Stop Believin'.

This newest discovery displaces this item in the top spot of Sweet Pickles' affection for multi-user haiku:

[from the first stall on the 3rd floor of the Old Chemistry Building]

"Eli Manning is a big pussy.
Who can't throw for shit.
But he sure can suck a dick."

I don't know why these gents were hatin' on Eli, but it still makes me laugh out loud. Just not as much as my new fave does.

A Musical Recommendation from Brad Bagby

My new favorite song is Mark Ronson's reworking of The Smiths' Stop Me.  I can't embed the video, but you can see/hear it here.  I always liked the original, but think I might like this version even more. 
Like the original, it contains one of my all-time favorite quotes to be found in any song lyrics:  "So I drank one.  It became four.  And when I fell on the floor, I drank more."  Which leads me to believe that The Smiths might have been singing about Sweet Pickles. 

Words to Live By

"You never trust a big butt and a smile."

--Bell Biv Devoe, Poison

British Honduras... ha!

Went with a dozen friends to see the new Indiana Jones movie tonight.  

My Mayanist friends (weirdly, I have several of these) found the entire movie laughable.  They were unable to get past the inaccuracies.  I empathize with them... there is such a thing as knowing too much about a subject to be able to suspend disbelief long enough to enjoy a Hollywood movie about that subject.  This is why I can't see movies like Gladiator, Troy, Kingdom of Heaven, 300, etc.  

Yes, the movie was dumb fun... the kind I enjoyed as a 6th grader.  But for me, the nostalgia factor outweighed my usual fury at historical inaccuracies.  The theme song alone was enough to transport me back to junior high school band (directed by Loni Anderson's new husband).  And I think my family saw all three of the original Indiana Jones movies together, and I seem to remember that we all really enjoyed them.  So...

Sweet Pickles says:  get your posse together, and go re-live that time before we were too smart to enjoy Hollywood blockbusters!

Best quote of the night goes to G-Wrobe.  Scene: red dot moves in lines across a map to show where Indy and his crew's plane is flying across the world.  As the red dot moves across the Central American nation of Belize, I hear a voice in the dark, directly behind me:  "In 1957, it was still called British Honduras."  Ha!  Academics.  

Report: Today's Spin Class, and Other Gym-Related High Jinks

Upside - This afternoon's spin class wasn't led by Bret Michaels (therefore, less cock rock).
Downside - This afternoon's spin class was led by Tom Petty (therefore, more stoner jams).

Even when I liked the songs, it was stuff like "Champagne Supernova." Son of a... Who the hell can spin to that?!?! Sweet Pickles sunbathes to Oasis, MF! He can't spin to it. What's next?? Here's what I do know... if Sweet Pickles goes in to the gym tomorrow and they're spinning to George Strait, Yanni, Prokofiev, John Phillip Sousa marches, pan flute music, or Gregorian chant, a can is gonna get opened up. I'm just sayin'.

Brief convo with young dude behind the front desk at the gym:

Sweet Pickles: [arriving through the front door] "Hi. I'm new... do I need to show somebody my little membership tag thing whenever I come in?"
Dude: "Nah, it's okay. But new members get a free session with a personal trainer. I can do your session now if you want."
Sweet Pickles: "That's okay, but thanks. I'm here for the spin class."
Dude: "Do you want me to schedule you a session for sometime later."
Sweet Pickles: "Not really, but thanks. There's really not much that I can get done in a one-time session with a trainer."
Dude: "We can work up a plan for meeting your fitness goals."
Sweet Pickles: "Uh, yeahhh... ask Tina about my fitness goals."
Dude: "Well, we're kinda supposed to do it, so that new members know what they're doing."
Sweet Pickles: "Look, Brandon... I know it doesn't look like it anymore, but I kinda know what I'm doing already. I used to have a personal trainer for a year and half."
Dude: "I'm Chet. It won't take a whole hour. I promise."
Sweet Pickles: "I'm sorry, Todd... but I'm a busy language executive. I'll never have much time to put in at the gym."
Dude: "My name's Chet. You may have to talk to the owner sometime to explain to him what you're telling me."
Sweet Pickles: "I really need to maximize my calorie-burning opportunities here, Ryan. No time to waste. So, unless you or the owner can burn me 500 calories in an hour or less, I'm gonna hafta pass." [walking away into the gym]
Dude: "I'm Chet. But,"
Sweet Pickles: [over my shoulder] "If it's necessary, I'll sign a waiver if you'll get one ready for me. I'll look for you on my way out, Jared."

On a related note...

FAVORITE QUOTE OF THE DAY:

Excerpted from a recently returned voicemail message from LA:

"I got your message. Damn you for getting skinny without me."

Those quiet-ass Episcopalians!

Funny story that I'm only a minor part in...

Cruising down the highway in Sexy Edward, I remember that I need to call and leave a reminder message for our office manager about our students' testing schedule for tomorrow morning. I decide to try her cell instead of her office phone, hoping that she'll be sure to get the message before 9:00am on Monday morning.

Ring. Ring. Answer, click.

Re-dial. Immediate rollover to voicemail. I leave detailed message.

About an hour later (after surgery on my thumb, I'll tell you about it later), I'm back on the highway again. Check my cell phone because I'm expecting a call from Mama Pickles, whose in Houston with All the Lindas this weekend.

Instead, the voicemail is from our office manager (who happens to be African-American). She says:

"Yes, I got your message. You rang during the middle of church, which wouldn't have been an issue if I was at my own church because nobody would've been able to hear it. But this morning we're visiting St. Peter's Episcopal, and now I'll forever be known as the black woman whose cell phone went off in the quiet white-people church."

I scream, drop the cell phone, and almost swerve Sexy Edward off the highway. Despite my bleeding thumb, this voicemail has entirely turned my day around, and put me in a good mood! LOVE. HER.

Quiet white-people church. Ha!

Chablis

Before I forget...

The other night, I was talking to D-Hug (my musical soul mate), and I don't even know HOW we got on this topic (yes, I was drinking), but I asked her "Who even drinks chablis?" And she goes "Probably just the cast of Dynasty." LOVE. HER.

Note to Brad Bagby and Chiknwang: I know you two would've had a different answer to this question.

Note to T-Bagg: next film festival, the girls of T.W.A.T. will mos def need to be hanging out more with D-Hug.

Note to D-Hug: if you read this anytime tonight, PLEASE reconsider and y'all come on out to the casino party. THERE'S A DANCE FLOOR, FOOL!! And the sweetener? The hostess asked Sweet Pickles to burn a few CDs of ass-shakin' music. Y'all are gonna know 83% of the people there tonight. But all you really need to know is Sweet Pickles.

Music Videos That Changed the World #13

Okay, there are dozens of reasons why this one-hit wonder is a badass, but I'm only gonna give ya three:

1.) She wants more cowbell.
2.) She can kick a cymbal while drumming.
3.) Boys with small talk and small minds really don't impress her in bed.

Or little red corvettes!

"Wow. That's a lot of raspberry berets, doves or whatever Prince is spending his money on these days."

-Margaret Wappler, on the star's rumored $4 million Coachella earnings

Favorite Quote #3

From the best reality show on television EVER (VH1's "America's Most Smartest Model"):

Pickel: "Nature is taking its course. I mean, he [Jesse]'s gay, he's black, he's overweight, he has insecurities about one of those things, at least."
Andre: "He's not insecure because he's gay or black, he's insecure because he's f*cking fat."

Favorite Quote #2

The classics never go out of style... anyone remember this oldie-but-goodie from a GQ interview a couple of years ago?

"What's wrong with sluts? If sluttiness is what you like, what's wrong with that? Why do we think being a slut's bad? Sluttiness is just a lot of freedom?" --Tom Ford

I love freedom!

Favorite Quote #1

Favorite quotes will be a recurring feature here on Sweet Pickles' blog.  Usually, these will be things that make me laugh, or put me in a good mood (but not always).  Rarely, will they come from Winston Churchill or Aristotle.  Many times, they will come from song lyrics.  To kick off this new feature, here are some of my favorite words of wisdom from one of the greatests minds of his generation...

"Why you at the bar if you ain't poppin' the bottles?  What good is all the fame if you ain't f***in' the models?"  -Nelly, Hot in Herre