Sweet Pickles

It's that time of the semester again!

Over at Rate Your Students, they've got their own version of the end-of-the-semester course evaluation that students complete.  Here's to the end of the semester, and wishing everyone a whining-free Final Exams Week!

1. What was the most awesome thing about this semester?

• Wikipedia
• Ugg boots and shorts
• That time Kevin got sooo wasted and we convinced him to pull a bong filled with his own vomit
• Coach rote my essaie's
• Making videos of myself and my stuffed animals and posting them on youtube, where only my friends can see them, right?

2. What was the most major bummer this semester?

• Unexpected death of beloved grandparent/pet just before/after Thanksgiving break
• Realizing that in college, "A" does not stand for "Average"
• that time my roommate accidentally unplugged my printer and im like sooo not good with computers so i couldnt fix it and then when i went to the lab the computer wasn't working i think it had like a virus or something so i couldnt print my paper and then i lost my usb with like alllll my work on it and the professor thought i was like making it up and im like wtf?
• Gonorrhea

3. Please rank the following alternative syllabus formats, in the order in which you'd be likely to read them:

• txt msg
• bar mat
• retinal implant
• vid-shizzle
• trampstamp on the front-row skank

4. Your Facebook friend request to the professor was motivated by:

• loneliness
• OCD
• pity
• sycophancy
• genuine desire to share a hot-tub (please specify phone number: )

5. Do these tan slacks make my ass look big?

• Yes
• No
• Who wears slacks anyway?

6. Would you tap it anyway?

• Yes
• No
• Only if you back dat shit up

Nikon Advertising: FAIL

Have you seen Nikon's latest commercial featuring Ashton Kutcher?  I can't find a video to embed, but it's the one in which he appears to be crashing some event at an art gallery.  Within the 30-second spot, we see Asston Kooch-hair act like the snickering bully on a junior high school field trip to a museum, physically harassing some stereotypical artsy dude, rolling his eyes condescendingly at some stereotypical artsy chick, and snatching another guy's pocket square and using it to dust off his camera lens and then stuffing it back in the guy's pocket.  I don't get the whole premise.  If Asston is so above art exhibits, WTF is he doing there all dressed up?  Is he supposed to be Punk'ing the gallery?  All I can say for sure about this commercial is that it's making me NOT want to buy a Nikon Toolpix Coolpix camera. 

It's gonna be a LONNNG football season.

Here in Lilongwe, we ain't got real good cell phone reception as it is.  But during the past nine months of bliss, I had forgotten what happens when all eighty-five fans of Ye Olde Academic Sweat Shoppe's football team show up in the village at one time and want to use their Jitterbugs to call their whorey granddaughters to meet them for fried chicken at Pawpaw's tent:  nobody who lives up in this biotch can make a cell phone call or send a text message.  If you ever get serious about committing suicide, come here on a home game weekend to do it... you'll never get an ambulance because 911 will never even know.  But hey, it's worth it... how often does your team get to play against the South Carolina State School for the Blind?

Trivial Facebook Rant

The word "yum" is starting to make my ass hurt.  I never hear anyone actually say it in real life, but it's in 85% of all status updates on Facebook.  And if you really want me to kick your ass, try "yummy!" 

Sure, there are some things I like to eat.  Recently, I was compelled to spread the word about the pickle plate at the Snackbar, for example.  Or Don Beer (does that count, since it's alcoholic?).  But I have NEVER used the word "yum," in speech or in print.

At a conceptual level, I understand that some people enjoy food.  I also recognize, that because I tend to view food as the ultimate enemy, I don't always 'get' it when people get all orgasmic on Facebook about the muffins they just baked, or the iced tea they just brewed, or the gouda they brought back from the gourmet grocery store.  And part of me wishes that homegrown yams or a cappuccino was all it took to get me off.  I do sometimes wonder, wouldn't my life be a better place if all it took to get me tantric was homemade oatmeal cookies with raisins?  It's a deviled egg, people... not an all-night coke-fueled celebrity orgy in the VIP room of some hot new club in LA.  Which is about what it would take for Sweet Pickles to go on Facebook to tell every 'tard I went to kindergarten with that something was "yummy!"

Summer 2009

Is it just me and stinkin’ thinkin’, or has Summer 2009 been kind of a bust?  Don’t get me wrong… I’ll still take it over the other seasons, any day.  But now that we’re winding down to the final week, the whole thing seems somehow less memorable than summers past.  When I look back at my Facebook photo albums from this summer and last, my gut instinct feels confirmed. 

Let’s start with the bad.  Too many cool people were out of town for too long.  This happens, but during this summer, it really felt like the expiration pangs of HYFA in the throes of dying.  Summer 2009 must have been officially declared the summer of no dancing.  This oversized booty got shaken  exactly once since the Spring semester ended.  This was probably appropriate considering that pop music never managed to produce a break-out hit of the summer (WTF has Justin Timberlake been doing?)… I haven’t spent so much as ten dollars on iTunes over the past three months.  The three-week bout of weird weather (in which I had to carry a jacket to work every day) and the cancellation of our Japan tour only further soured my impression of Summer 2009.  Overall, there wasn’t nearly enough spontaneous after-work drinking downtown on random weeknights.  What little of it occurred was of such poor quality that I’ve felt compelled to institute boycotts against multiple local establishments.  And finally, the deaths of so many pop culture icons of my youth made me feel sad and old.

Now, in attempt to keep it posi, here are the far-too-few highlights of Summer 2009 for which Sweet Pickles is grateful.  Several really great house-parties (especially those featuring Don Beer), and even more QT on the back porches of good friends.  My job, and all of the amazing students that summer teaching brought into my life (including, but not limited to, the Ecuadorians, my Mexican high school group, the World Learning students from exotic new locales, and a few of my old faves).  And probably the overarching theme to make Summer 2009 at all salvageable, the K-Fiel flava.  What did we ever do with ourselves before that slut rolled into town again?

So, as we approach the ending of another summer, I choose to remind myself that there will always be another one, just nine months away.  And that Perdido still awaits.  Here’s to a fun and exciting Fall 2009 for everybody!

Requiescat in Pace

Arriving home after a delightful afternoon at the home of JustJess, I logged on to Facebook only to discover the end of an era.  Both Michael Jackson's and Farrah Fawcett's deaths struck a blow at my childhood self.  John Hughes' strikes at my teenage self... much closer to home.  I realize that I sound like a crotchety grandpaw, but when I think about what Hollywood is producing for today's teenagers, I can't help but feel that they're being cheated.  I didn't have to walk 10 miles barefoot in the snow to watch any of John Hughes' movies... but I would have.  Thankfully, John Hughes leaves behind the kind of gift that will keep on giving.

Ode to the Elusive Stapler

Over at Rate Your Students, a forum where those of us who teach college can kvetch, a recent post made reference to one of my favorite questions from students:

Do you have a stapler?

No, I don’t have a stapler. Did I have a stapler the first three times you tried this? See, I didn't write a paper that needs stapling. You did. Do you know who does have staplers? The store. That’s right. They are fully stocked. And I hear they barter goods for cash and coinage, so why don’t you plan on walking yourself over there at some point and picking one up? Excellent.

I liked this instructor's response, because it so closely parallels my own attitude in this particular matter.  When I was in grad school, if anybody had told me that the most recurring annoyance of teaching at the college level would be the dearth of stapler ownership among the teenage children of the privileged castes, I wouldn't have believed them.  At least 5 minutes of Sweet Pickles' beginning-of-the-semester 'Fair Warning' lecture (the 'shock and awe' kick-off to every Sweet Pickles class) is dedicated to the stapler.  In fact, the first day of class is the only occasion when I actually bring a stapler with me to class (in order to introduce this rarest of artifacts to students, and to demonstrate how it is used).

For any readers who are also combatants down in the trenches of pedagogical warfare, I'll pass along this small bit of ammo if it helps you to keep fighting the good fight.  This excerpt is a sample drill of what Lieutenant S. Pickles puts his incoming recruits through at the beginning of every semester (i.e., pre-stapler-ownership)...

This device is known as a stapler.  It is used to attach multiple pages, thus keeping them together and in their intended order at all times.  The model that I've brought with me for the purposes of illustration and demonstration is the personal property of your instructor, and today is the first and last time that you will ever lay eyes on it.  My stapler is shy and doesn't like to travel, although it generously agreed to come show itself to you today for the sake of education.  Because one fascinated student last semester tried to touch it, my stapler was against coming today, but I told it that part of the college experience should be exposure to different things so that students won't be frightened of strange new ideas like stapling, and so it relented.  As I said, after today, none of you will see my stapler again.  Ever.  That is because neither my briefcase nor my laptop bag is your mama's purse.  Similarly, I will never have a calculator, a Kleenex tissue, or some Tic-Tacs for you.  While I recommend highly the purchase of a stapler as a worthwhile investment for the next 6 years of your undergraduate studies here, I do recognize that some might not be able to afford one.  In that case, I would advise you to consider stapler-possession when deciding whom to date this semester.  "What is so necessary about having dependable access to a stapler," you might be asking yourselves.  In this course, and likely in others, you will be required to complete and submit assignments whose length will, on occasion, require more than one piece of paper.  In these instances, folding down the corners together like you did in junior high school will no longer suffice in the grown-up world.  Neither will paper clips, glue, saliva, rusty nails, caulk, chewed bubble gum, or fishing hooks.  And as part of my 'Fair Warning', I'm gonna let y'all in on a little secret about the first thing I do after collecting student papers... after class, I take the stack of papers outside into the parking lot (hoping that it's a particularly windy day), and toss them sky-high.  After gathering all of the scattered sheets, I take them home, tap a box of Franzia, and get out my red pen.  Any random, unidentified pages are discarded, and any first pages missing their following pages are marked 'F' with the speed of lightning.  This really cuts down on the amount of grading I have to do, which is time-consuming and labor-intensive.  Part of me wants to kick myself for giving you this 'heads-up', but I believe the children are our future.

Know what I'm tired of?

The ubiquitous misuse of the adverb too, in place of so or very.  You know what I'm talking about.  When you and your girls went out last night and split a dessert that was too delicious, and the bartender was too cute, and y'all had too much fun, and took some pics that were too hilarious (and then posted those pics along with some of your kid that were too precious).  What especially chafes is how this particular irritation is too 2007, and it wasn't cool even then.  File this annoying habit under "How to Lose a Guy in 20 Minutes."

I'm afraid that Parrish's might be starting to suck :(

I wanted to go out tonight since tomorrow will be the only day this week that I don't have to get there by 9:30am.  Met up with JustJess and B-Hale, also knowing that K-Fiel and M-Add might be coming out after seeing some film.  But I was never able to get into the groove, because it took 20 minutes to get a beer.  Every time.  On a Monday night!  However, the deal-breaker was the volume of the music.  It was like shopping in an Abercrombie & Fitch (but hetero-erotic).  Disclaimer:  Most of you already know that I'm pretty hard-of-hearing in the first place.  But this was ridiculous.  If no one else is complaining, I always assume that it's just my deafness.  But I was far from the only one complaining.  If an establishment wants to crank up the jamz, then Sweet Pickles is gonna need a dancefloor and a lightshow.  And some X.  Otherwise, a Monday night in the middle of nowheresville is neither the time nor the place. 

It's that time of the month again...

time for Sweet Pickles to move to another office.  I started packing earlier today (and am still going at it).  Initially, I was excited about the idea.  But my move on Friday will be to my third office in the less than three years since starting this job.  And although it will be nice to have a window again, Sweet Pickles ain't moving on up like George and Weezie.  We'll be using the elementary school desks already up there that are being left by the current tenants.  Since January 2007, I have gone from having my own office, to sharing that office with another person, to my current office which I share with two other people, and now to a new office that I'll be sharing with four other people.  I really like all of my new 'roomates' at the capsule hotel where we'll be officing, but I'm going to miss JustJess terribly.  I don't know what I'm going to do without our daily coffee with routine.  We've had the perfect system going with my little coffee maker... I always 'water up' (i.e., go rinse and fill up the carafe) while she 'powders up' (i.e., puts a filter in and fills it with the coffee), and then we split the pot between us.  But I guess I should try to keep it posi.  At least I'll be a little further removed from the daily pandemonium.  Plus, if it ends up being awful, I just have to wait until next June, when I'm sure I'll be moving again.  I'm guessing that the 10 of us (me, the other five full-time instructors, and all four of the graduate instructors) will most likely be relocated into the janitor's closet tucked beneath the stairwell.  Hopefully, by this time next week I should be all settled in an unpacked.  I'll post my office hours cubby-hole hours soon, so stop by for a cup of coffee (but you'll probably have to sit on my lap while we chat).

This steaming pile...

is apparently available on DVD now, because I see it advertised during every commercial break on television.  I couldn't find an embeddable trailer for Fired Up, which is probably just as well because the trailer alone is enough to make my ass hurt.  But if you're in need of an emetic, you can find the trailer for this 'triple threat' ("Funny, Sexy, and Smart!"  SMART?  For reals??  Wouldn't "profound" or "epic" or "a cinematic tour de force" be less of a stretch for this movie's marketers?) on Youtube.  In an internet age when teenagers can easily access material a hell of a lot more sexified than this bowl full of shite, exactly who is the target audience for this?  I mean, why would anyone pay to see this, no matter how young or stupid you are?  Whose the bigger threat to the Darwinian survival of Western civilization, al-Qaeda or the producers of this travesty of youth entertainment?  Neither.  It's the strap-ons willing to pay money to watch it.  Fired Up proves Sweet Pickles' old adage true... "People are DUMB, y'all."

Summertime Movies = Dumb Fun

Although the weather here now is more like late November, the cinematic offerings at the local théâtre would suggest that summer is already upon us!  Last night, M-Em and L-Shep and I went to see the newest release in the venerable history of the Star Trek franchise. 

Disclaimers:  I've never been a Trekkie (Trekker?), but enjoyed the original series enough when I was a kid, and briefly paid attention to a couple of seasons of the Next Generation on television when I was in college.  Also, the older I get, the less able I am to enjoy much of anything that comes out of Hollywood.   It takes a lot for me to suspend disbelief these days.

For what it was, the latest Star Trek was cute and fun.  On the Sweet Pickles scale of film criticism, I'd give it a solid "well-it-didn't-make-my-ass-hurt."  If you haven't seen it yet, you can probably read on without worrying about me spoiling any surprises, because you've already seen this story dozens of times with only slight variations...

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:

Rakishly handsome young rebel-without-a-cause (let's call him "Maverick") in danger of wasting his father's heroic legacy, until wake-up call from elder statesman (let's call him "Viper") familiar with dad's apotheosis channels the daredevil's energies, setting the young buck on a course of personal growth from lovable poon-hound to leader of men. 

Frigid young prodigy of whom great things are expected (let's call him "Ice Man") torn between two worlds, wrestles with inner demons to learn his own limitations and eventually concede submission to the more potent testosterone of his ne'er-do-well nemesis-turned-BFF. 

Agitated and earnest young med student with charmingly foul mouth (let's call him "Goose") who forms early bond with our spirited ne'er-do-well, matures from protective partner-in-crime to become the perfect wingman. 

Confident and sassy young language expert whose hotness leads those around her to underestimate her genius (let's call her "Charlie"), maintains confrontational facade with young hero in order to prove herself in a man's world, which only fuels his interest in doing sexy times with her. 

SETTING:

Apparently, in the future, all human activity takes place along precarious edges at dizzying heights. 

SCRIPT - A SAMPLE DIALOGUE:

Maverick:  "What can I say, bro... I'm a badboy." [crooked grin]
Goose:  "Dammit, Maverick!  That badboy attitude of yours is going to get us kicked out of Star Fleet Academy!  Or killed!"
Ice Man:  [raises eyebrow]
Charlie:  "You may be a badboy, but I know the square root of pi." 
Maverick:  "As the cadet with the largest penis, I am now in control of this vessel." 
Comic Relief #1 (Asian):  [drops something]
Comic Relief #2 (Celt):  [makes wisecrack]
Goose:  "You can't do this... think of your career!  But if I can't talk some sense into your thick skull... what can I do to help?"
Ice Man:  [cites relevant statistic about penis measurements]
Charlie:  [side-eyed glance, then huffs off sexily...cue music: En Vogue's "Never Gonna Get It"]
Comic Relief #3 (Slav):  "Wessel!"

You know what I hate?

Dumb people.  They're even worse than unattractive people and poor people.

I just noticed the page of this 'volunteer organization' on Facebook.  My favorite quote was this:  "Keep on clicking and with each click you force a private sponsor feed a child a meal! How easy is that!"

Oh really?  It's that easy, huh?  I only wish the world had had the power of magical clicking back in the mid-1980s... I'd have really loved to help Ethiopia's children, but my Sony Walkman didn't have a clicking function.  And does the creator of this Facebook page mean to suggest that we live in a society where we can simply force private parties to do what we think they should be doing?  If so, I'd like to force him or her to attend the ass-kicking I'm planning on his or her behalf.

The creator puts the annual number of children who die of starvation at 6.5 million, and this Facebook group of do-gooders currently has over 1.5 million members.  By my math, the global hunger crisis should have been solved already, if each member had accomplished just 4.33 clicks.  Get busy, you lazy bitches!  There are children starving in Biafra while you complete another personality quiz to determine which character from The Hills you're most like.  Let's stay focused here, people. 

Before I pull an all-nighter of philanthropic clicking (just give me 24 hours and a box of Franzia, and I'll take care of it myself, since our registered legions of clickers-who-care cannot be bothered to follow though on their noble intentions), I'd like some more specifics, please.  For example, what constitutes a "meal" exactly?  What kind of food will my coercive clicking deliver?  And what child will be the lucky recipient of my digital benefaction?  I mean, how do I know that Meals-on-Wheels won't mistakenly deliver my order of Fruit Roll-Ups to Rocco Ritchie?  Or what if Meals-on-Wheels drops off a dozen bags of pork rinds on the doorstep of some Islamic orphanage in the Sudan?

I realize that I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but in case anyone beyond Sweet Pickles' inner circle might stumble upon this post, let me say this in response to such inane efforts at charity: 

Instead of feeding a child with a click, try feeding a child with a check.  Or better yet, get the hell off Facebook and off your ass, and actually do something more meaningful than anonymous clicking if the problem (whatever it may be) bothers you that much.

Honestly, I suspect that the founders of this kind of site are probably sociopathic computer geeks who have a lot of free time on their hands and get off on using their technological skills to see just how gullible the general public actually is.  So that the computer geeks can get back to their Dungeons and Dragons, let me save them the time with this important announcement:  People are DUMB. 

Now, move on.

Oh, I almost forgot...

Last Friday, I was out drinking in town with T-War and M-Chev.  While we were standing out on the curb for a cigarette, the campus-to-town shuttle bus would stop nearby every few minutes and disgorge hordes of identical co-eds ready for a night out on the village.  Every one of them was dressed for Kanye West's after-party on Oscars night.  Except, it was Friday night in the middle of nowhere.  I realize that when you're in college, Mom's not there to warn you when you look like Paris Hilton, but what I don't understand is what goes through the minds of these students when they're purchasing these clothes?  I mean, when you're about to put a $500 charge on your credit-card, are you actually saying to yourself, "This will be perfect for beerpong this weekend."  Whatever the rationale, if you're a twenty-year-old who wants to get all glammed up in Versace for a night of Bud Light in a rural county seat, then don't be arriving on the city bus.  Either A.) put on some jeans, or B.) have the class to arrive in one of your girls' Acuras.  What really heightens the disconnect between their fantasy and reality are the guys they're meeting up with when they stumble off the low-rent public transportation in stilettos.  It's either the poor man's Greg Marmalard, or that douchebag with the popped collar, Live Strong wristband, and visor cap cocked to one side. 

Sick Sad World

Almost every day, a quick glance at CNN's news website makes me wonder if we all shouldn't just kill ourselves.  The "Latest News" section lists updated links to more than a dozen current stories from around the nation and world.  Just the titles are enough to depress.  Usually, I can't even guesstimate the death toll represented by the handful of headlines.  I never click on the more heinous titles, but just seeing them is enough to ruin my day.

I don't want to seem callous, but how much do I really need to know about the man who decapitated his 5-year-old sister in front of police, or the father accused of decades-long incestual rape?  I mean, what is the journalistic value in this?  In what way is this supposed to benefit readers?  Perhaps if I lived in the town where these horrific crimes were perpetrated, I might have some reasonable interest if I knew the parties involved or affected.  But otherwise, the coverage of these kinds of stories strikes me as second only to the outrageous crimes themselves in terms of how sick and destructive humans can be.  What the hell kind of perverse readership is this kind of 'reporting' aimed at?  Nancy Grace fans?

Now I'm going to go think pleasant thoughts about the Sleepy Time Tea bear, to clear my mind of decapitation and rape.

Oh, this should be fun.

I'm in the office, waiting to head out for a picnic with our Intensive English students.  According to Weather.com, it's 51F and windy and cloudy.  Picnics in late March (not my idea) can't expect 78F and sunshine.  Fingers crossed that this turns out reasonably fun.

DirecTV needs to offer some kind of cafeteria plan!

This past week, I called DirecTV to explore options for how I might bring down my monthly cable bill (approx. $70) during this Suave-and-tunafish-salad economy.  What I learned was pretty infuriating.  I've got 3 boxes (living room, my bedroom, and one of the guest bedrooms), but disconnecting one only lowers my bill by five bucks each.  So, I asked about channels and packages, considering that I only watch less than 22 channels on a semi-regular basis.  Apparently you can't get BBC America except as part of some ridiculous package.  I also love how every package is loaded up with religious channels and shopping channels.  I asked the dude on the phone if the packages-in-question included any Jewish religious programming or home-shopping channels where you could buy stuff from H&M, but I think you already know the answer.  In my current cable television package, I have access to a lot more channels than that, but I've only got 22 saved in my "favorite channels" that I ever even browse through, and most of those are nothing to write home about:

CBS - I don't even know what's on network programming anymore.  Sometimes if I get bored waiting for The News Hour to come on PBS, I'll see what's happening on the nightly news on the networks. 
NBC - Ditto.
PBS, Memphis - I do watch a bit of PBS on a pretty regular basis (Washington Week, Nature, Now, Bill Moyers Journal, etc.).  But whatever happened to the great line-up of British sitcoms that PBS used to do?  It seems like that has disappeared so slowly that I hardly noticed.  Regardless, isn't this one free anyway?
FOX - Better than the other major broadcast networks.  I like MAD TV and all of their animated stuff, but that's about it. 
PBS, Jackson - Basically duplicates the function of PBS, Memphis, but all the annoyingly folksy BS programming is about our less interesting state.
ABC - See CBS and NBC.
CNN - This one appears to be all Anderson Cooper, all the time.
Headline News - Far worse, this one appears to be all Nancy Grace, all the time. 
E! - I think Chelsea Lately might be the only thing I'm getting off this one. 
Comedy Central - Probably the one I watch the most (Futurama, South Park, The Sarah Silverman Program, and sometimes The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Reno 911!).
BBC America - Whatever happened to all the great shows they used to do?  I still watch their news, and How Clean Is Your House, but the rest is a faint echo of the channel's former glory. 
History Channel - Pretty dependable. 
Bravo - I totally got in to Millionaire Matchmaker, My Life on the D-List, Project Runway, Tabatha's Salon Takeover, and The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but nowadays, it seems like I'm mostly watching reruns of Kathy Griffin's standup comedy.  Still, it would be in my Top 5 choices if I could get a cafeteria plan with DirecTV. 
National Geographic - I like Dog Whisperer, but there seems to be way too much programming about life in prison. 
Nickelodeon - Strictly for Spongebob Squarepants.  Everything else on there (i.e., tween programming) makes my ass hurt. 
MTV -  Either I'm too old, or MTV completely sucks now (possibly both).  If they're having to do Real World: Brooklyn, it's over.  Here's what it has come to: True Life, Room Raiders, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, My Super Sweet Sixteen, Parental Control, and absolutely nothing musically-related whatsoever.  But I still keep it on my "favorite channels," hoping Martha Quinn will stage a comeback.
MTV2 - Why do I need a second channel for this shite?
VH1 - I think I might actually hate their programming even more than MTV's.  Rock of Love Bus?
C-SPAN - Their specialty programming has only gotten better over the years, but I can't live on a diet that's 50% congressional hearings.
C-SPAN 2 - Ditto.
MSNBC - Dateline and Meet the Press are good, but like once a week.
The Weather Channel - Honestly, I have this one in my "favorite channels" because I like to look at maps.  But I can't do that for more than a few minutes at a time.  Plus, I own an atlas, so...

The question I'm having to ask myself is, Is this worth $70 per month?  I don't really want to lead one of those no-television alternative lifestyles, but this is feeling exploitative.  The bigger question:  In an age where technology has revolutionized our access to entertainment media, why hasn't any of that effected television?  When I want to download Hilary Duff's Reach Out from iTunes, I'm not also required to purchase the Spice Girls' Wannabe (I'm looking at you, K-Fiel).  When I want to go see Slumdog Millionaire at the movies, I don't have to buy a ticket for He's Just Not That Into You as well.  How has this racket been perpetrated so long?

What do y'all do?  Any suggestions/recommendations?  Or willingness to organize a boycott or a revolution?

Enough with the tar tips already.

I'm seeing it everywhere now, but it's just not a program I can get down with.  Black nail polish never looks good to me.  I appreciate attempts to branch out from the little girl pinks and whore reds options traditionally available.  And I understand its appeal for those who think outside the box.  But it just doesn't work.  It looks like you just changed the oil in someone's car.  And when celebrities and Tri-Delts are wearing it too, it has lost its alternative appeal. 

New Goal

On Facebook, my new objective is eventually to have more pending friend-requests (from people whose requests I will never accept) than I have friends.  It'll take a while.  Right now, things stand at a ratio of 38 to 314.  And those 38 pending friend-requests are an ensemble case comparable to The Poseidon Adventure, but for C-Listers. 

Ahhh, my favorite time of year!

It was crazy cold (although bright) here today, and even more so tonight.  I hate to complain when a day isn't dark and depressing, but damn!  I just came in a few minutes ago, and my cheeks still hurt.  I wore long underwear (which I hate because they feel diaper-ish) beneath my jeans today, a sweater over a longsleeved shirt, and took a coat instead of a jacket today, and still have not been able to get completely comfortable all day.  Weirdly, my ass has been really cold and feels kind of numb.  Normally that thing radiates heat like the sun.  Hold on a sec, and I'll go call the Time-and-Temp number to find out what the current temperature actually is.  It's 30F and falling.  Eff a bunch of that.

Later tonight (much later), I'm going to pick up T-War at the Memphis airport.  Her plane gets in at 11:49pm.  Planes flying at midnight??  I never heard of such a thing!  How come anytime I arrive at an airport after 7:00pm, the whole shebang is shut-down and deserted like the big hotel in The Shining?

On the upside, L-Hane's birthday party is tomorrow, which is good because I've been tired of waiting for it to get here!

Both thumbs down (ugh)!

Took the students to the movies tonight.  Saw "You Don't Mess with the Zohan."  I really really wanted to like this movie... I was all like, "I love the Mossad!"  But in the end, it was still just another Adam Sandler movie (i.e., designed strictly for an audience of teenaged boys only).  Part of me feels that I'm just getting too old for bad taste (after all, I'm gonna be 30 next year, y'all!).  The only redeeming factor was the soundtrack.  [See next post for recommendations!]

I bet this baby's name is...

Mercades. Mercades Federline. I hate to sound classist, but I'm classist. Unless there's some cultural/religious impetus (e.g., your family are gypsies), this never looks good. Nothing says 'future stripper' like baby earrings. Except maybe tattoos for babies.

McCain just lost the Japanese-American vote!

Do not handle money like this (i.e., between two fingers like scissors)! EVER! Especially in front of Japanese people. For my BFF's mother, this might be even tackier than failing to pre-wash rice until the water runs crystal clear! Which is just nasty.

At Wal-Mart...

Different Cashier: "Did you find everything alright?"
Sweet Pickles: "No. Y'all are still out of sunflower seeds, and the only milk y'all have got is whole milk."
Different Cashier: "I'm sorry."
Sweet Pickles: "Yeah."

Only 81%?

You Are 81% Misanthropic

You are misanthropic to the point of being scary. In your view, people are a disease. You may want to lighten up a little - before you become a super villain!

How Misanthropic Are You?

At Wal-Mart...

Cashier: "Did you find everything alright?"
Sweet Pickles: "No. Y'all are out of sunflower seeds, and apparently y'all carry only one brand of hotdog buns."
Cashier: "Oh."

Why?

As I sit here, freezing in this over air-conditioned cafeteria monitoring test-takers, I am reminded of another recent trend of which I disapprove: sleepwear in public.

From where I'm sitting right now, I can count three students in their sleepwear. I'm not talking about trackpants or hoodies, I'm talking PAJAMAS! And, this figure does not include others who are wearing house-shoes/slippers with their regular clothes.

I'm not going to harp on the fact that it's too cold this morning for dressing so lightly. I've accepted flipflops during blizzards as a fact of life when you live among undergraduates who are both lazy AND developmentally challenged. But when did tshirts and shorts become too burdensome to bother with?? Nobody's asking you to get into a ball gown for class, but for God's sake, put on some panties before leaving your dorm room.