Sweet Pickles

Sweet Pickles gots back (and not in a good way)!

I sometimes forget how taking a late shower (instead of first thing in the morning) is usually a bad idea, because I might already have my contact lenses in (and thus, can see my naked self in focus).  Passing the mirror on the way to the shower, I thought for a moment that Kim Kardashian might have been lazing around my house in the nude.  Although nowhere near as pretty in the face as Kim, Sweet Pickles has a similar motor in the the back of his Honda.  Although my weight gains are primarily and fairly consistently ass-centric, that is by no means my only issue.  I am constantly baffled at where this excess weight comes from, because I've never really been a big fan of the food.  But a realization that I've long struggled to suppress is dawning... I've known all along who the real culprits were, but I didn't want to admit to myself what they're doing to my body because they're two of my oldest and dearest friends:

At a minimum, I need to drop 22 pounds and cut my body-fat percentage in half before Perdido (mid-August) if I want to wear my H&M swimsuit (instead of something from the Big and Not-So-Tall Men's store).  When I put it on now, my ass pushes the waistband so far away from my back that people can easily slip things down the back of my trunks (and I mean things like ice-chests).  I don't need people asking me "Hey Sweet Pickles, would you carry these lawn-chairs down to the beach for us on that large shelf you call your ass?"  With that threat looming, I think I'm going to start blogging more about trying to reduce the junk in my trunk, as a way of keeping on track and committed.  So, be on notice that this could be a summer full of weight-related postings that you can feel free to ignore.  Note to K-Fiel:  We're gonna need to start incorporating that Stairmaster into our exercise regimen.  Note to all my co-barflies:  Please help me to keep my drinking regimen strictly in the vodka zone. 

Misty water-colored memories of the way we were...

Last night after I got home from barhopping and around lunchtime when I woke up, I was part of a little back-and-forth on Facebook with former co-workers of mine from the waterpark where I worked every summer in college and graduate school.  The exchange (redacted below) took place in the comments on a photo of recent new father Big Daddy's swimming pool...

Some Dude at 8:55pm June 5

Does [Big Daddy's newborn daughter] have a bikini?

Sweet Pickles at 1:06am June 6

If [Big Daddy's newborn daughter] doesn't look good in a bikini, she can't work at [the waterpark where we all used to work together] (I'm sorry). But if she DOES, I'll expedite her application!!

Old Friend at 10:20am June 6

Sweet Pickles, I thought the only job requirement was keeping the bikini ON until at least 7 p.m.... not looking good in it-- can you afford to be that picky in [our hometown]? And if there's such a thing as a stripper gene, I'd say [Big Daddy's newborn daughter] is a carrier-- didn't her daddy's lily-white ass almost get us sued once for making an unscheduled appearance in the office during business hours?

Sweet Pickles at 12:15pm June 6

On more than one occasion, if I'm remembering correctly.

Big Daddy at 2:17pm June 6

My ass was the main attraction at the water park why do you think we charged so much to get in that place!

Even after all these years, and with a newborn on his hands, Big Daddy still never fails to bring the sexy.  And even after a law degree and a kid of her own, Old Friend still never fails to deliver the sass.  Both of them are part of what I miss about summers in the Lone Star State, where random instances of undress were a part of daily life.  I'm thinking a little December reunion on the drinking patio of our favorite watering hole when I'm home for the holidays might be just what the doctor ordered. 

Music Videos That Changed The World #36

As I've probably stated previously, performance videos usually don't do it for me (Sweet Pickles need a storyline, yo).  However, the venue in which this one was shot is exactly how I'd like my living room to look.  Also, I'd like to hang out with the drummer... she looks like big fun.

Umbrellas? Really??

If it wasn't already the reigning title-holder, China would certainly have to qualify as the world's most childishly unsophisticated government.  It's difficult to take a country seriously until its government grows the hell up. 

All I gots to say is...

"repetitive grinding"

The more things change...

I was going to title this post "I Got Nothin' For Ya," by way of apology for my ass-draggin' inactivity as of late.  But then I was inspired by Yankee Librarian's recent retrospective posting looking back at the past year in her life.  Whereas the Librarian's year was one of big changes, the Pickle's was one of the same ol' same ol'.  Therefore, I decided that my own retrospective would be more focused on what was I doing at this time last year. 

In May of last year...

I was thirsty/hungover.

My Spanish-speaking students were being titillated with a fictional town in Gulliver's Travels named "Laputa" (which weirdly, I was reminded of by one of the aforementioned students just this afternoon!).

I was making lots of Top 3 lists and posting lots of Madonna videos.

Mama and Daddy Pickles visited me.

I was attending parties.

I was nostalgic for the good ol' days when my crash-dieting actually led to drastic weight-loss results for me.

I was irate about Low-Church social mores governing the local acquisition of booze.

I was seeing dumb summer blockbusters with friends at the local theater.

I was comparing local temperatures unfavorably to the much better weather back home.

Déjà frickin' vu!  Am I in a rut, or what?!?!  Although it's a Groundhog Day-level of repetition, I figure I should be grateful that at least it's not anything awful that's recurring. 

Sheesh... anything new in the world of Sweet Pickles?  Nothing earth-shattering.  Let me see. 

Between going out and various parties, I boozed it up 6 times between Friday and Sunday evenings.  [Not sounding very new yet, is it?]

I exercised with K-Fiel this morning, and we ran into L-Shep at the gym on campus.  At a welcome picnic early this evening, I taught our new students how to play Red Rover, Red Rover. 

Brad Bagby called about the rendition of Fiona Apple's song Criminal that I used to sing in the voice of this girl from elementary school who had a speech impediment that we used to make fun of (don't worry, it was never to her face).  He couldn't remember exactly how I did it, and needed me to perform it for him again.  Just FYI, here's how it goes:  "I've been a bad, bad durl.  I've been tareless with a delicate man.  And it's a tad, tad world.  When a durl can break a boy just because she tan."  Don't ask me why this particular song... there was never any particular reason.

So, basically, I guess I still should've just titled this post "I Got Nothin' For Ya!"  Except for this:  For those of you who don't read DListed regularly...  A.) you probably should start, and B.) you might not have seen this Literal Version Video of Total Eclipse of the Heart yet.